X MIXED JOKES

The Rabbi
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
 "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked,
"What's wrong?"
The man replied,
"My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks,
"How can that be?"
The man then pleads,
"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers,
"Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and
I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says.
"I spoke to your
Wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes,
&
The Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."
~~~~~~~~~~
Butter
This company had a real superior product in its butter substitute, but
the company went under one time when it received an order for a
million pounds of the stuff.
Some of the employees made mistakes in preparing the product and much
of it was wasted.
They were not able to deliver in time.
The company had not allowed enough margarine for error.
~~~~~~~~~~
Better To Be Male
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this
one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Graying hair adds attraction.
Wedding Dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~
Better To Be Female
*
We got off the Titanic first.
*
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
*
We never ejaculate prematurely.
*
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls,
And are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
*
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of
our sexuality.
*
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.
*
When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
*
We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...and it's much
easier for us to get "some" in the first place.
*
We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
*
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look
like complete idiots in ours.
*
We can be groupies.
Male groupies are stalkers.
*
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
*
We live longer,
So we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes
and shouting at strangers...
*
Men die earlier
So we get to cash in on the life insurance.
*
Taxis stop for us.
*
We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a
computer game.
*
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.