XX - Adult Puns!

Mrs. Custer grabs the artist.
"Oh! I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts.
You give me cows with halos and Indians making love?"
"Mrs. Custer," he says, "Those are your husband's last thoughts.
'Holy Cow! Look at all those f**king Indians.'"

It's is smarter to cop a feel than to feel a cop,

A pharmacist told his new assistant to he polite to every customer that came in.
"If you re stuck for conversation, talk about the weather," he advised.
When the pharmacist came back from having his dinner, the assistant
was sporting a lovely black eye.
"So, much for your advice" moaned the assistant.
"What happened? Asked the pharmacist.
"Well, this woman came in for a packet of sanitary napkins.
Trying to make conversation, I said that it looked like it was qoing
to be a dull weekend…

A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season,
but when gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and
starts kicking up dust.
The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to
race,so he calls the vet.
The vet tells him to tie a bedsheet around the filly's rump to keep
the stallion away.
So, that day, the farmer does just that.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's
solution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found.
The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbour's farm and sees the
neighbour's kid out by their barn.
"Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bedsheet tied around her
rump?" the farmer asks.
The kid replies,
"No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a
handkerchief sticking out of her ass!!"

"I think we should go Dutch," the nurse said to the doctor in the
dimly lit restaurant.
"You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your night can be on me."

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for
the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought
it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
" Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the woman and asks,
"What's wrong?"
She explains the situation with the toaster.
He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
"Because, I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"
She got her refund!!

The blonde had two chances to get pregnant.
She blew it both times!

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PUNS OF THE DAY...

  I am sure of this:
  If you marry a widow,
  You won't wed amiss.

I recently lost a lot of money at the poker table.
I was dealt some good hands--high pair, two pair-- but my opponents
kept getting dealt flushes and straights.
So, the whole night I was completely flush-straightened.

"The reception on the shortwave radio is clearer now," Tom said ecstatically.

"You know," I said, "that Sherlock Holmes was remarkable for his great dignity."
"He was?" said my victim, undoubtedly searching his memory of the stories.
"Oh, yes," I said gravely, "I‚m sure you have often heard of the
stately Holmes of England."

Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Although Sigmund Freud was addicted to cocaine, he actually died when
one day after taking a bath.
Getting out of the tub he slipped and fractured his skull killing him instantly.
Might this be another Freudian slip?

Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could have a
hunting bow when he turned 12.
On his birthday he unwrapped his gift box revealing the long-sought-for bow.
Yet, Gordon was still disappointed.
"But dad, where are the arrows?"
His cautious father replied,
I never promised you arrows, Gordon."

A man tried to drive across a state line with a dog sitting in a pan
of quinine water.
When he explained to the state police that his dog was under
treatment, they said,
"You can't bring in a dog like that.This is a catatonic state."

A banker married an attractive widow with two beautiful teenage daughters.
After several weeks, gossip established that the banker was making it
out well with his step-daughters.
One day, a friend cornered him and said,
"Clyde, I don't mean to pry, but people are saying you pay more
attention to your step-daughters than your wife."
The banker replied,
"Of course I do, why should I touch my principle when I'm doing so
well with my interest."

My doctor thought I had a brain tumour.
But after extensive testing they found there was nothing there.

When I was just beginning to take an interest in the opposite sex I
remember my slightly prejudicial Mom telling me,
"Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."
Later on, as a young man, I learned the fallacy of that statement,
when it became quite apparent to me that I was having one hell of a
hard time trying to please any of them.

Lump Settlement:
What you get from Workman's Comp if you get hit on the head at work.

A professor stood before his class of senior organic biology students,
about to hand out the final exam.
"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester.
I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to
medical school after summer.
So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been
celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out
of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."
There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to
the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the
handful of remaining students and asked,
"Anyone else? This is your last chance."
One final student rose up and opted out of the final.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining.
"I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."

The transvestite asked the shop girl where she lived,
So she gave him a dress.

A senile old man sitting on the park bench crying.
A guy walks up to him and says,
"What's the matter, buddy?"
The old man responds,
"I have the best life in the world.
I have a beautiful home.
I have great kids, and wonderful grandchildren.
I'm married to a gorgeous woman forty years younger than I who can
cook like nobody's business.
We make love every day, and she's amazing at it.
I have all the money I could ever need.
It's great!"
"So why are you crying?"
"I can't remember the way home!"

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X - Puns of the day!

A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

'Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a
banner that said ''N I L''.
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to
"The Great Nullity,"
"The Blessed Emptiness," and
"The Big Zero in the Sky".
Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and whispered,
"Is Nothing Sacred?"'

At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the
class asked,
"What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"
After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said:
"Sin?"'

An old-time Excedrine slogan has been recycled into pushing a
lemon-lime-type soft drink:
"Mother, Please! I'd Rather Dew It Myself!"

A coprolite (fossil faeces) was recently discovered which was 17
inches long by 5 inches wide, and 65,000,000 years old and had chopped
up dinosaur bone in it, Paleontologists announced that it was probably
from a Tyranosaurus Rex.
They determined it was from a T. Rex by a process of elimination.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

My sister-in-law was married to a prominent surgeon who was a member
of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in
the Chicago area.
He would operate in the morning, then field calls about his patients
in the evening.
Once, when I was visiting his home, he was on the phone talking to a
resident at Christ Hospital when the other phone rang.
My sister-in-law answered, then whispered to her husband,
"It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back,
"Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."

A executive took his secretary to a restaurant for dinner.
He said,
"We become what we eat. What do you want?"
She answered,
"Something rich."

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the
church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one
consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the
church paper. "Gladly," responded the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned
at once to the "appreciation" column.
There he read:
"The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit
and for the spirit in which it was given."

Some times it's difficult for disabled people to find jobs, so I was
happy to hear from Terry, a double amputee who used a manual
wheelchair, that he had a job.
Terry said he worked in a strip club, taking back the clothes after
the women had left the stage.
I asked him what the money was like.
"Twenty bucks a week," he told me.
"Oh, that's not much" was my comment.
"Well," he replied, "that's all I could afford

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

As a schoolteacher expecting my first child, I had attended
natural-childbirth classes.
One of my classmates was in the hospital in labour at the same time I
was. She quickly requested drugs to ease her pain, while I gave birth
aided only by my husband's coaching.
When the nurses rolled me out of the delivery room, I spotted a
chalkboard. Beside my classmate's name was an A-; next to mine was a
B+.
"Alan, look at that!" I complained to my husband. "She took all the
drugs they'd give her and made an A-. I did it naturally and only got
a B+."
My patient husband rolled his eyes.
"Kathy," he said, "that's your blood type."

There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it
graduates from medical school.

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First Condom...an oldie but worth a repeat.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Levin's pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she
could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

 So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

 I apparently still looked confused.

So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty.

It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it...

 Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse
and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' She asked.

 Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties
and lay down on a desk. '

Well, come on', she said,  'We  don't have much  time...'

So, I climbed on her.

It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back
and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. '

Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the shit out of me...

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XX - Adult Puns!

Did you hear about the British sex pervert who broke into a gift shop
and performed lewd acts with the porcelain figures?
They charged him with statue Tory rape.
Apparently, he is a Hummel sexual.

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer.
He happened to look down the bar and see a man sitting there with a
head the size of a cue ball!
So, he walked down and said to the man,
"Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but I noticed you have a small
head. Is this a birth defect?"
The man said,
"No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German's in
WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship so I swam to shore. One day
a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes. For
my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S. The mermaid granted that
wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish
granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid.
She said,
'I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex.'"
So I said,
"How about a little head?"

The effect of taking Viagra, Prozac, and castor oil at the same time
is you don't care if you're coming or going.

A woman brought a picture into a frame shop to be framed.
"I have just the thing," the shopkeeper said.
He disappeared into the back room and returned with several frames.
"Which one would you like?" he asked.
"The burgundy one," the woman answered.
Thinking about how it would be fastened to a wall, the shopkeeper
turned the frame over, studied the back and said to the woman,
"Do you want a screw for this frame?"
The woman gasped and bellowed,
"What kind of girl do you think I am?"

One determined young woman finally got so fed up with her shy
boyfriend's fumbling advances she decided to put him in her place.

If marriages are made in heaven, where are the brides maid?

The best thing about dating homeless girls is you can drop them off anywhere

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new
Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to
her, he replied, "Can't, it's Lent."
In tears, she remarked,
"Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did
you lend it to, and for how long?"

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XX - Adult Puns!

"My friend works in the ER.
A woman came in with a cell phone shoved up her rectum!
She claimed she and her husband were playing some 'adult games'."
"Well, it had to be either that, or she doesn't understand the meaning
of phone sex."

Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him and says,
"Come on Willie, we're going upstairs!"
Willie replies,
"OK - That's one of my favourite things!"
As soon as they get upstairs Ethel grabs Willie and throws him down on
the bed and jumps aboard.
Willie protests,
"Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"
Ethel asks,
"What do you mean Willie, I like it that way and so do you."
Willie replies,
"You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my favourite
things. But if we do it that way any more I'll loose my job."
Ethel asks,
"What do you mean Willie - that doesn't make good sense!"
Willie explains,
"The boss called me in the office today and told me 'Willie - You
screw up one more time - and you're fired!'"

If you don't enjoy masturbation,
You only have yourself to blame!

There were these three guys.
They all worked together at a factory.
Everyday they notice that their boss leaves work a little early.
So, one day they meet together and say that today when the boss
leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they.
The first guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start.
The second guy goes home and cooks dinner.
The third guy goes home and walks to his bedroom.
He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss,
So, he quietly closes the door and leaves.
The next day the first and second guys are talking and plan to go home
early again.
They ask the third guy if he wants to leave early again and he says,
"No."
They ask him why not and he said,
"Because yesterday I almost got caught!"

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies,
'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says,
'No, I told her I was 90.

A gay in the navy is known as a 'rear admiral'.

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An Australian Poem - Goodbye Granddad

 It has something for everyone - If you know the bush, it will appeal to you,
  if you work in the oil industry, there is something in it for you too,
 if you have a sense of humour - well,
 it might test it a little and if you are not an Australian,
 then it won't help your knowledge of Australian life one
bit.......................

   Goodbye Grand-dad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

 He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers 'round his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable had to have his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest; of snakebite without trace,

 Of redbacks quietly creeping, and death from outer space.

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about.

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This oil exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

 They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

 Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,

And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor old Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located, when that night he had to go.

But you're probably still wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

Well, he always used to hold his breath

Until he heard the splash!!

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Cool Grandpa

This one is dedicated to all dedicated (and otherwise) grandfathers !

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child
screaming  for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit
aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long  . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.  Hang in
there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the
trolley,  and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William,
William, relax  buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes;
stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time,
you  kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he
got, you  just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is
very lucky to  have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . this
little bastard's name is Kevin."

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What's true and what's not...

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without knee-caps. They don't appear until they are
2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 years old will have spent almost 5 years
waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to
search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without
turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a
Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk,a mixture of white
paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same
airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle, built in 1903, used a tomato
can for a carburetor..

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from
women who give birth.  They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If colouring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

They are all true...

Now go back and think about No. 16.

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XX - A few QUICKIES

In life, never look down on anybody, unless you are getting a lovely
view of the cleavage!

Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity, don't screw the opportunity!

Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand Stuff?
New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.

The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. The Lord Almighty
sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !

Girl: excuse me brother, that's my seat.
Boy: OK! But I'm not your brother, my father never slept with your mom.
Girl: True, but my father did!

A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks.
The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes
the Headline. It read: Team to play with Dicks out.

What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another damn woman trying to do a man's job!!!

On a NUDIST's beach a man shakes hand with a lady & says: Pleased to meet you!
Lady: Yeah, I can SEE that.

Mr CHU from China & Mr TIYA from Korea came to India & setup a Firm...
Till now, they have no Business & are still wondering why their firm:
CHUTIYA & CO. Failed?

Note: popular in Hindi slang for "ass hole" - sorry ladies.

When God made me, He asked, "Great Memory or Giant Penis?".
I cant Remember what I said.

What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes?
Stay out of BED for two days.

I told my wife I want to die in bed.
She said, "You did last night - three times!"

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees
a guy leaping out of the window..
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you the first time?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

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A poem written by a scholar Roman Catholic Priest

Footprints In The Sands

Politics in Lanka is a dirty game
Sans sense of honesty, honour or shame.
On election-campaigns that squander millions,
When in power, make illicit billions.

Full of corruption, nepotism, crime,
They leave no footprints in the sands of time,
Self-seeking, self-serving, power-drunk quacks,
Cover up their crab-like, crooked tracks.

Parliament's pack of jokers, jerks,
Abuse their power for self and perks,
Goons and buffoons, men of straw,
Brazenly bend and break the law.

They promise us the sun and the moon.
Pledges broken or forgotten soon,
Barefaced, through their teeth they lie,
On hollow words can we rely?

They flagrantly flout every rule in the book,
To come into power by hook or by crook,
From one party to another they jump,
Kiss President's feet and lick his rump.

In sumptuous luxury they wine and dine,
Make ample hay while sun doth shine.
Of life's best things they have their fill,
The taxpayers have to foot the bill.

They trot the globe and have a ball,
In five-star hotel, shopping mall,
Lavishly splurge like duke or count,
On bankrupt Lanka's state account.

Their life is sweet, a bed of roses,
Gobbling Lanka's scarce resources,
Our so-called rulers, leading lights,
Are a bunch of social parasites.

Their hands are soiled, palms well greased,
Our people, rich and poor are fleeced,
Most of them to the core are rotten,
They flaunt and flash their wealth ill-gotten.

How could these robbers ever dare
Their numerous assets to declare?
An auditor's test they will not pass,
Many would end up behind bars.

Crime and corruption they cannot battle,
In their own cupboards many skeletons rattle.
A sincere statesman I fail to see
Among Sri Lanka's powers-that-be.

Idolized heroes of yesterday,
Made traitors, villains of today..
Free-media muzzled, my country's bane.
Journalists, editors attacked and slain.

Many politicians are vermin, pests,
Who earn fast-bucks and feather their nests,
They leave no footprints in the sands of time,
But craftily cover up their tracks of crime.

Fr Derrick Mendis SJ
Colombo 4.

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XX - Adult Puns!

Little Susie was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared,
"A baby brother."
"Sweetheart, Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said
her mom, "But there just isn't time before your birthday."
Susie thought for a moment and replied,
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want
something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."

Wife asks husband,
"How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other.
"I'm filing for an divorce."
"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner.
"May I ask why?"
"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.
"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see
leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."
"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago!"

Vatican Press Release:
All Women should informed that lying in bed, naked, entangled with
somebody and screaming:
'Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!" is not considered praying.

Two boys were skinny dippin and the one couldn't help noticing the
size of the other's manhood,
So, he asked,
"How did ya get it that big?"
The other boy responded,
"Well I rub it down every night with lard."
Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole.
Once again, there was a comparison made with no results.
The first boy said,
"I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco."
The other boy exclaimed,
"Well, no wonder, that's shortening."

We tend to blame everything on the priests, but the members of the
congregation can be guilty, too.
A young woman chased a handsome young priest all over the church.
She finally caught him by the organ.

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young
woman in a pub and said,
"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman,
"But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway."
"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man,
"How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" snapped the woman.
"Oh, cool!" said the young man. "I didn't realize you made a living at it!"

Little Wendy is in line to see Santa.
When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks,
"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
Little Wendy replies,
"I want a Barbie and G. I.Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
"I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said Wendy, "She comes with G. I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken!"

A rich man and a poor man are having lunch together one day, and both
have anniversaries coming up.
Poor man asks rich man,
"What'd you get your wife for your anniversary?"
"A diamond ring and a Mercedes," the rich man replies.
"Why both?" asks the poor man.
The rich man says,
"Well, that way if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive in the
Mercedes to return it, and she'll still be happy. So, what'd you get
your wife?"
The poor man answers,
"A pair of slippers and a vibrator."
"Why both?" the rich man asks.
The poor man replies,
"Well, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go Fxxk herself."

Read More...

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For Grandparents.....and others

 RETARDED  GRANDPARENTS

       (this  was actually reported by a teacher)

After  Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their  holiday away from school.

One child wrote the  following:

We  always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and  Grandpa.

They  used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they  moved
to Bateau Bay where  everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they
don't have to
mow the grass anymore!

They  ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags
because they don't know who they are anymore.

They  go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got  it fixed
because it is all okay now. They do exercises  there,
but they don't do them very well.

There  is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it
with  hats on.
At  their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in  it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes  they sneak out,
and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody  there cooks, they just eat out.
And,  they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some  of the people can't get out past the man in the doll  house.
The  ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot  luck.

My  Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday  too.

When  I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll  house.
Then  I will let people out, so they can visit their  grandchildren.

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XX - Adult Puns!

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life,
The British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.
At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: -
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence
on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet
retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward
to in these retirement years?" -
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table.
Everyone heard her answer... And no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said: -
Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "appiness"!

To take their minds off children,
The Pope has said it's now OK for the priests to flirt with the nuns.
Just don't get into the habit!

I'm living with a girl but we're not married.
Its kinda like leasing with an option to buy.

The very first sex education classes were in the 50's.
Naturally, some of the teachers were embarrassed and used only very
carefully chosen words.
In one class, the teacher was explaining the anatomy of the male genitalia.
He said,
"The human male testicles are about the size of Plover's eggs."
A female voice from the back quipped,
"Hey... Neat!!! I've always wondered how big Plover's eggs were."

"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight."
"Okay, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, Dearest."
"That's not true. The last time, you woke me up twice!"

"Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the
Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the
woman who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and a
see-through negligee.
"How do I know that?" the young woman replied.
"How do I know you're really with the Salvation Army? How do I know
you aren't some sex fiend who has come to take advantage of a poor,
defenseless female who's all alone in her house... And will be until
5:30pm this evening?"

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Always Ask, Never Assume...

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell
phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,

'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the
fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to
get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,

'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Life is short...

Someone said: When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME...

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Letter To Jessie James - Sandra Bullock's husband

You Stupid Bastard!  You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid?  You are married to one of the
most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now
named " America 's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down
in front of the world , while you were fooling around with other
women.

You are really a piece of work!  You are the most hated cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

You are despicable and I only have one thing to say to you:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.

 ~Tiger

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XX - Adult Puns!

Gas prices are affecting my sex life.
With prices at over $3 a gallon, I only date women in a 5-gallon radius.

Woman calls 911:
"I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those Kegel exercises
- you know to tighten up things down there [giggle].
"Yes, ma'am, I understand.
Are you in pain?"
"No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do those
exercises I have an orgasm." "I'm sorry, did you say orgasm?"
"Yes. Am I doing them right?"
"Sounds like it to me."

Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date,
and then stick her with the bill.

Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don't
know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader.
Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having
to explain how it's done.
One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she
explained it.
I found out why when I overheard her tell one man,
"Strip down facing me."

Man was sobbing in a bar.
His friend asked,
'Why?'
He said:
"My wife makes me pay $100 - for sex!"
Friend said:
"You're lucky, she charges others $250!"

"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight."
"Okay, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, Dearest."
"That's not true. The last time, you woke me up twice!"

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THIS WILL MAKE YOU SMILE

A guy is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a
cigarette.  He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."  Johnny looks
up but doesn't say anything.  The man asks, "Son, how old are you?"

 Little Johnny says, "Four."

 Stunned, the man says, "Four!?  When did you start smoking?"

Johnny replies, "Right after the first time I had sex."

 "Right after the first time you had sex?  When was that?"

Little Johnny answered, "I don't remember.  I was drunk."

 

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Saudi Prince goes to Germany to study.

 A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is
wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit
ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers
travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten ...million
dollar cheque saying:

"Stop embarrassing us! go and get yourself a train too!"

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

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Let's Offend Everybody!

Q.  What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A.   Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q.  Where does an Irish family go on vacation.
A.   A different bar.

Q.  What did the Chinese couple name their blond, curly-haired baby?
A.   Sum Ting Wong.  (read out loud!)

Q.  What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A.    A speech impediment.

Q.  Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A.    Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q.  Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A.   Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it.

Q.  What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A.    The northern zoo has a description of the animal.
The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q.  How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A.    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
(HOW TRUE)

Q.  What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale???
A.     A northern fairytale begins, .....'Once upon a time...'
       A southern fairytale begins,.... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.

Q.  Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in
the United States.

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This is hilarious

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his
Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking
down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday
that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this .)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Read More...

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XX - ADULT PUNS!

Some are crude

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to
asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to fill in Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday.
"I can't," says the woman. "On those days my husband is home, and I
have a headache."

To get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm,
Call her and tell her where you are.

One day Jason comes home from school, goes straight to his father and asks,
"What is fornication, Dad?"
Jason gets the same answer all Jewish fathers give:
Why don't you ask your mother, Son?"
So, Jason goes into the kitchen and asks his mother,
"What is fornication Mom? Dad said you would know."
His mother replies,
"I'm busy right now Jason, why don't you go and ask your bubbe?
She will tell you."
So Jason goes upstairs to his bubbe's room, knocks on her door and shouts,
"Please, Bubbe, what is fornication? No one here seems to know."
Bubbe says,
"Come inside, tatteleh."
She then takes him to her closet, opens the door, takes out a
beautiful full-length pink, beaded evening dress and says,
"Now, this, tatteleh, is foranoccasion!"

Parents:
Couples who practice the Rhythm Method.

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day
And passes a shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window
To admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much, it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church
basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli
leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they
dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?'
Gennaro answers,
'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do
you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?'
He replies,
'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do
you like them?'
Now, as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face Turns red.
He states, '
Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no
panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps,
'Thanka God, I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

The Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a sure-fire
method for making absolutely certain that people entering the program
are never found by anyone. They just change the witness's name to G.
Spot.

A midget gets married to a regular sized girl and they go on their honeymoon.
When the midget gets back home, a friend asks him how was his honeymoon.
He said,
"It was OK but I was a little disappointed."
His friend asks him why he was disappointed.
He replies,
"Well, when we were nose to nose, my toes were in it. When we were
toes to toes, my nose was in it. And when I was in it, there was no
one to talk to."

If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,
You should sniff some Windex first.
It'll keep you from streaking.

A girl entered the family bathroom unexpected while her father was bathing.
She let out a shriek, then ran out of the room...
"Mommy, mommy! Daddy has a big, ugly snake in the tub with him!" the
girl screamed. "It's not a snake, honey," her mother began to explain,
"it's part of Daddy's body--an important part. In fact, if Daddy
didn't have it, you wouldn't be here."
As the child ran off to play, her mother thought to herself,
"And neither would I!"

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Religious Indian

An Indian in the US suffered a heart attack on the road and was picked
up by an ambulance.  Being religious, he kept repeating - Hari Om Hari
Om Hari Om.
When the ambulance pulled into his home , his wife came out and
screamed to the paramedics: 'Why didn't you take him straight to the
hospital?'

They replied 'Because he kept saying Hurry home Hurry home Hurry home!'

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Kamashustra explained...

You have to hand it to the ancient Indian maha-rishis
For their deep understanding of life,

Maharishi Vatsyayan has stated in his magnum opus "Kamashustra" that ...

Sex is…

"Duty", if done with your Wife.

"Art", if done with your Lover.

"Education", if done with a Virgin.

"Business Transaction", if done with a Prostitute.

"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee.

"Charity", if done with a Widow.

&

"Meditative Trance", if done by Yourself.

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A Blond situation

  One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the
  Shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..

  Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who
  Owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

  The blonde said it was hers.

  'Your dog seems to be in heat'  the officer said.

  The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under
that shade tree.'

  The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

  'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't
hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

  The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog
wants to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said,

'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a Police Dog.'

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XX - ADULT PUNS!

Cathy and I went to the Mardi Gras festivals to New Orleans for our
35th Anniversary. They had a nice room in a hotel just outside of
Bourbon Street.
I couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk at 1 AM the first night there.
As I was cruising down Bourbon Street, I saw a skimpily dressed woman
on a balcony above me.
"Would you like to sleep with me for $100," she called down to me.
I told her,
"Making love at my age is always a real effort. But I could sure use the money."

"I think we should go Dutch," the nurse said to the doctor in the
dimly lit restaurant.
"You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your night can be on me."

The fastest way to get a nun pregnant is to dress her up as an altar boy.

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, while she was waiting for the manager to finish talking
to a customer, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked.
"How much for that faucet?"
Manager replied,
"that's gold plated and it costs $500.00 which one it was I'm not sure."
"My goodness that sure is a lot," Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to
buy and the manager went to the back room to find it.
From the back room manager yelled,
"Ma'am, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary paused and then shouted back,
"No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

When we found out our wives were attending a sex-toy party,
We refused to go and pick them up. Instead we decided to leave them to
their own devices.

Orgy:
Grope therapy.

A small town doctor helps a young woman deliver her first baby.
About the same time the next year she comes back to deliver her second baby.
Next year, same thing.
Many years pass each time with a visit from the woman to deliver a baby.
Finally, after helping her deliver her 10th child, the doctor says,
"Well, I guess I'll see you next year."
The woman replies
"No you won't, I finally figured out what's causing this!"

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Do you know???

1. Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange
clay called 'pygg'.
When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became
known as 'pygg banks.'
When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that
resembled a pig. And it caught on.

2. Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have
notches, while pennies and nickels do not?

A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing
gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small
quantities of the precious metals.
Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to
contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals
they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

3. Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's
clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn
primarily by the rich.
Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the
buttons on the maid's right!
Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on
the right through holes on the left.
And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

4. Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write,
documents were often signed using an X.
Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfil obligations specified in
the document.
The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

5. Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?

A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a
buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal.
If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would 'pass
the buck' to the next player.

6. Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by
offering him a poisoned drink.
To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a
guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host.
Both men would drink it simultaneously.
When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the
host's glass with his own.

7. Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?

A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage
lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant
light.
In the theatre, performers on stage 'in the limelight' were seen by
the audience to be the centre of attention.

8. Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use 'mayday' as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' – and
is pronounced 'mayday.'

9. Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they
attain, with nine being the highest cloud.
If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well
above worldly cares.

10. Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?

A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on
the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is
French for 'egg.'
When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it 'love.'

11. Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?

A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl
(for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she
loved the Scot game 'golf.'
So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment.
To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she
played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.
Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very
good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her.
In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed
it into 'caddie.'

Now YOU know just about everything!!!

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XX - Adult Puns!

There was this guy who really took care of his body and jogged six
miles every day.
One morning he looked into the mirror and admired his body and noticed
that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis, which
he readily decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed, buried himself in the
sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
About that time two little old ladies came strolling along the beach,
one using a cane.
On seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it
round with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady saying,
"There is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady said,
"What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady said,
"Look at that." When I was 20 I was curious about it.  When I was 30
enjoyed it. When I was 40 I asked for it. When I was 50 I paid for it.
When I was 60 I prayed for it. When I was 70 I forgot about it. And
now that I am 80, the damned thing is growing wild, and I'm too old to
squat."

Joe and Tom were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," Joe said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?"
Tom asked.
Joe replied
"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument
about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said,
"Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so
obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it
and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear
or your finger?"

Walruses go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal.

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son.
"One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different
things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing. For
example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For
example, a prostitute will tend to say,
"Are you done yet?"
On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask,
"Are you done already?"
A school teacher will say,
"We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!"
A nurse will say,
"This won't hurt one bit."
A bank teller will say,
"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
A stewardess will say,
"Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."
"And what does mother say?"
She says,
"Beige, beige, I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

Coffins for blondes are shaped like a triangle because every time
their heads hit a pillow, their legs spread open.

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist,
"I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"
The pharmacist replied,
"Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not
pesticide. They're on aisle 4."
"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.
"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining,
"PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm.
I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."
"Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on
it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it."

Red Riding Hood:
A Russian condom.

A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers.
The little boy says,
"Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and works all night.
She sleeps during the day."
The salesman scratches his head and says,
"Well, I'll be a son of a bitch"
The little boy replies,
"I'm a bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's
doorbells and telling them about it."

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Irish Wit

An Irish priest, Father O'Malley, was transferred to far Western Queensland.

One spring morning he rose from his bed in his parish. He walked to
the window of his bedroom

and as he took a deep breath he noticed a donkey lying dead in the
middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of the last rites!"

There was a long silence after which Father O'Malley replied:

"Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!

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Week Jokes

MONDAY The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her
daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,the
mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother,
saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY Aman went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake
the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a
damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,'Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find
her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent
and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor
apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the
charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own
defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he
could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can
anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet,
a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his   hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with
her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and
listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all
aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd
you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my
wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you
persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What,
did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told
her I was 90.'

SUNDAY
 Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She
showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are   the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America
with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered,
'They send us on bus tours!

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How do we compare?

A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about
what they would like

God to do for them...

At the end of the day, while marking the essays, she read one that
made her very emotional.

Her husband, who had just walked in, saw her crying and asked her:-
'What happened?'

She answered- 'Read this. It's one of my students essays.'

'Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a
television. I want to take its place:

Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place, And have my
family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk....

I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without
interruptions or questions.

I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it
is not working.

Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when
he is tired.

And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of
ignoring me...

And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me... I want to feel
that family just leaves everything aside,

every now and then, just to spend some time with me. And last but not
least make it that I can

make them all happy and entertain them...

Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV.'

At that moment the husband said:- 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!'

The wife looked up at him and said:- 'That essay is our son's!!!

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XX - Adult Puns!

Sex is evil.
Evil is sin.
Sins are forgiven.
So stick it in.

A little boy came home from playing outside one day.
He was huffing and puffing, like he was winded.
All of sudden, the boy's father heard a kitten squalling like it was
extremely uncomfortable. He turned around and looked.
Sure enough, there's his son -- holding a kitten - obviously no more
than 6 weeks old! "What have you got there, son?"
"It's especially for you, Dad," the boy replied.
The father asked,
"What do you mean?"
"Remember the other night, you told Mom you wanted 'a little pussy?'
"Well, I heard you, and I went out and got you one!"

Premature Ejaculation:
The come before the scorn.

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.
The first guy says,
"Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
"You're kidding!" exclaims the pal. "I can't even manage to do it
once! What's your secret? "Well, the secret is to eat lots of
whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!" says the guy.
So, the second old man rushes to the local deli.
"May I help you?" asks the deli man.
The old guy replies,
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."
"That's a lot of bread!" says the deli man.
"It's sure to get hard before you're done!"
"Damn!" exclaims the old man. "Does EVERYONE know about this except me?"

"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys," sobbed
the pretty young wife.
"Don't worry about me, babe," he soothed her. "I'll be back before you know it."
"I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when
the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.
"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and
thoroughly offended. "Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl.
"The only reason I'm asking is that if it is food, we don't have to
charge you sales tax.

A traveling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed
a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye.
In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had
known her all his life.
Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. And Mrs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk
that he was checking out.
The clerk presented him with his bill for $7,600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month.

The stock market is like an old man's dick, just refusing to rise.
The irony is that everyone is still getting screwed.

A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as the Mayor of
Key West, Florida.
After the election results were in, a hoard of reporters surrounded
him and began asking him questions on how he won.
A young reporter walked up to him and said:
"Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to
win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...
I even heard that you kissed a parakeet."
The mayor relied:
"That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I
must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet... I kissed a
Cock-or-two."

Two tall trees are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other:
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The tall tree says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my
friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

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XXX - Adult Puns!

.
In Curt Smith's 'Voice of the Game' he recounts the episode with Phil
Rizzuto's longtime partner Bill White.
According to White, the game was a long drawn out affair with not much
action, on the field.
As the cameras were scanning the lightly populated crowd they caught
sight of a couple kissing in the stands.
After viewing this for awhile Rizzuto noted that it seems that the
fellow would kiss his girl on the strikes and she would kiss him on
the balls.

The biggest problem for an atheist is no one to talk to during orgasm.

A Lady Rector of a Ladies hostel was fond of using English language
though her English was poor.
She she usually spoke in very short sentences to communicate.
One night the electricity at the hostel went off.
She immediately called the electricity company saying.,
"Lights gone in our ladies hostel. Send Men immediately. Girls using candles."

"I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere.
I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women."

One of the young page boys in Arthur's castle was particularly
attractive to, well, those knights who leaned that way.
The unfortunate fellow was forced to juggle his schedule to the point
where he could no longer perform his royal duties -- even if he didn't
have "conflicting appointments," he was running short on sleep.
Something had to give.
In desperation he made an appointment to see Sir Jacko during office
hours -- and explained his predicament as well as he could.
The knight decided to call a meeting among those knights who had been
calling on the boy.
After drinks had been passed around, he called the meeting to order and began:
"Before we start, 'd like to be sure we're all on the same page..."

Prostitute: Receiver of swollen goods.

The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the
convent was a problem.
She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless.
"Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.
"I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick
in and wick out."

Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work.
For the past year, pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave
him the eye as he passed.
Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he
stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and
didn't want to cheat on his wife.
However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get
her out of his mind. After spending many sleepless nights, he went to
consult a psychiatrist.
He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 45
years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.
"What should I do?" asked Jake.
The psychiatrist said:
"Take Melrose Avenue."

A New York fashion designer warns that if hemlines get any shorter,
women won't dare sit down and men won't dare stand up.

Another three guys are debating which of their languages is the most
pleasing to the ear. The Italian says,
"Seniori, consider the phrase, 'I love you.' In Italian, it is: 'Ti
amo'. What a lovely sound!" The French guy says,
"True, mes amis, but en French it is: 'Je t'adore'. An even more
beautiful sound!"
"Ja, zo... Vat ist wrong mit: 'Ick leiber dik," asks the German?

"My hubby & I have, what he calls "Olympic sex."
"Wow, must be a terrific sex life."
"Not really. It only happens once every 4 years."

An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work.
Suddenly, a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of
her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her.
Unruffled, she takes a look and remarks,
"This you call a lining?"

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XXX - Adult Puns!

A Greek and Italian were talking one day discussing who had the
superior culture.
Over coffee the Greek says,
"Well, we have the Parthenon."
The Italian replies,
"We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts,
"We Greeks gave birth to mathematics"
The Italian, nodding, says,
"But we built the Roman Empire."
And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will
end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says,
"We invented sex!"
The Italian replies,
"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

Cops shoot farther.

An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the wait- ress in his
hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.
She is indignant.
The guy says,
"Don't get excited. This is all in the Bible."
Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks.
Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry.
The man explains,
"It's in the Bible."
An hour later they're in the guy's hotel room and he suggests they
undress and have some fun.
He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful since it's in the Bible.
"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"
Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front
cover where someone has written,
"Thelma the waitress is a great lay."

I went to an extremely sexy female doctor today for my annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why and she said,
"Because I'm trying to examine you."

There once was a yellow frog and all the other frogs used to tease him.
So, one day he went to an old witch and asked if she could change him to green.
The witch said she could and she said the magic words.
The frog was green!
But when the frog looked down he said,
"Witch, my private parts are still yellow!"
The witch said,
"I don't do private parts; you'll have to go to my sister down the road."
And so off the frog went.
Later that day a blue deer came to ask the witch to change him to brown.
The witch did.
Then he too saw that his private parts were blue.
"What about my private parts?"
The witch told him to go to his sister's house and she'd change his
private parts to brown. The deer said,
"I'm not very good with directions. How do I get there?"
The witch said,
"Oh that's easy, just follow the yellow dicked toad!"

The nipple on a Jewish wife's breast is just the tip of the iceberg.

A drunk wandered down the street looking for a whorehouse to frequent,
but he stumbled into a podiatrist's office by mistake!
When he walked in, the nurse told him to go behind a curtain and put
it through the hole. He did as he was told.
The nurse screamed,
"That's not a foot!"
"I didn't know there was a minimum!" shouted the drunk.

Men are like... Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw, they lose interest.

Bill rents an apartment in Chicago, and goes to the lobby to put his
name on the group mailbox.
While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the
apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has
nothing on under the robe.
Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, he places her hand on his arm and says,
"Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..."
Bill follows her into the apartment.
Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off
completely.
Now completely nude, she purrs,
"What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several
times, and finally squeaks out,
"Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!"
She's astounded!
"Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They' re full, they don't sag,
and they're 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesn't sag, and have no
cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best
feature?"
Clearing his throat once again,
Bill stammers,
"Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone
coming... That was me!"

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!

A guy goes to a house of prostitution.
He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed.
She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarm rings!
She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand.
He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her.
He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs
outside looking for her.
By this time, the firemen are there.
He sees one of them and asks,
"Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200
in her hand?"
The fireman says,
"No!"
The guy then says,
"Well if you do see her, f*ck her. She's paid for!"

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Chinese divorce:

A Chinese man goes for divorce.

Judge:

What's the reason?

Chinese:

Me no come, She no come, Baby come, How come?

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X - A wedding occurred just outside Govan in Glasgow.

A wedding occurred just outside Govan in Glasgow.

To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's
and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the
reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each
other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight and the following week,
all members of both families appear in court.

Ronny the best man stands up and says "Judge, I was the best man at
the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".

The Judge agrees and Ronny takes the stand telling the court that it
is traditional in a Govan wedding that the Best Man gets the first
dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK".

"Well", said Ronny, "After I had finished the first dance, the music
kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that
the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of
a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the
Bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs".

Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"HURT!" Ronny replies, "Broke three of my fingers!"

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XX - Adult Puns!

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled
by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy
income and good looks.
In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with
him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there
some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her,
"Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the
phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what
you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

Give an example of "Complete business failure due to professional negligence":
A pregnant prostitute!

Little Johnny paints a sign that reads:
"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME."
He tells his buddy Roy to get his wagon and both sit under a shade
tree in Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.
Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone, so she paints a bigger
sign that reads:
"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL."
She tells her friend Nellie to get her wagon, and they both sit in
front of Kathy's yard. Johnny's pissed.
How dare that GIRL?
Then, a flash and Johnny hauls Roy across the street saying,
"Let's get some laughs."
"Say, Kathy, you move ANYTHING?"
"Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you."
"Roy, give me your nickel!"
Johnny takes it and hands it to Kathy.
"What you want moved, boy?"
"Move my BOWELS!" Johnny said and starts laughing.
So, Kathy kicked the shit out of him.

When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes," but not with you.

A 60-year-old woman goes to her doctor for her annual physical.
He examines her thoroughly and says,
'Well, I've got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that
you are in wonderful shape. I can't find anything at all wrong with
you.'
She then asked,
'What's the bad news?'
The doctor said,
'I'm a little surprised, but you're pregnant!'
She flew out of his office, ran home and called her husband at work.
When he answered, she blurted out,
'You stupid old goat -- you got me pregnant!'
After a long pause,
He said,
'I'm sorry, but who is that calling?'

Ricky and his sister walked into the bank and dumped bagfuls of change
on the counter. "My goodness!" said the teller, "did you two hoard all
of this?"
"Uh-uh" said Ricky. "My sister whored, I only pimped."

Nancy and Rita were always trying to get the other's goat and today
they were meeting for lunch together.
Nancy noticed that Rita was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.
Rita replied,
"Oh nothing. It's just that if my husband were any bigger I couldn't take it."
Nancy replied,
"I know! I know!!!"

It's an age-old truism.
Men will quickly fall asleep after having sex.
And I know why, too.
It's because they've been up half the night begging for it.

A woman who works for the state of California got a call from a man
who paused when she told him the name of her agency.
He then asked her to repeat it.
"It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again.
There was another pause.
"For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."

The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor.
He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it.
The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills
the prescription.
Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the
little blue pills. When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his
wife with words.
That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes.
They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.
He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.
*Three times! *
He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asks.
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's
doing you in," she sighs. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages,
and then three come all at once!"

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Racial Discrimination - How to Deal?

An Indian goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (grocery store in
Australia ). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of
cat      food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a
cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show
him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home
and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

    Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a
dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.
The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat
but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids.
He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let
him have dog food.
The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog
food.

    Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the
manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and
immediately takes it out.
He shouts at the Indian, "What the F*** is this? Is this shit, you
Idiot?"

    The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.."

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West Texas Lawman

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big -- 6'2" -- and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang.

He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally became of age he applied to the only place he had
dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a big mess of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally
called him into his office for the young man's final interview.

"You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot," the Chief Deputy
says. "So far your qualifications all look good. But we have what you
call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can
be accepted."

"Yes, sir," the boy replied.

"We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

"No, sir!" he answer.

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the
Chief says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
Six illegal aliens,
Six lawyers,
Six meth dealers,
Six extremists,
And a rabbit."

"A rabbit?" the kid replies. "Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude, son," says the Chief Deputy, putting the pistol back
in his drawer. "When can you start?"

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XX - Adult Puns!

The laundry man at the convent picked up all the dirty habits.

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day, they decide that they want to get married,
So, Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her
hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr.
Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies,
"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a
week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just
have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

You might be a redneck if you divorced your first cousin, married your
second cousin, and are diddlin' your third cousin on the side.

If you accumulate 365 used condoms in 2010, melt them down, make a
tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Two couples went out golfing together.
The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to
their tee box.
The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely,
while passing some gas rather loudly in the process.
No one commented. She addressed the ball again but this time she
passed just little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it
and moving it only a short distance.
She said,
"I wonder why it didn't go any further?"
One of the men said,
"I don't think you gave it enough gas."

A donkey had an IQ of 186.
He had no friends at all though.
Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.
After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache
specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms
are and he replies,
"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and... ''
He is interrupted by the doctor.
"And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear? "
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know? "
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I
myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is
caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it:
Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would
squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would
relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and
come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back.
"Well, how do you feel? " the doctor asked.
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I
started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And by the way, you
have a lovely home."

Mine Shaft: What a German calls his dick.

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GOT TO LOVE THIS ONE !

                       A little  boy was waiting for his mother to
come out of the  grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a
man  who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office  is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight  down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your  right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and  said,  "I'm the new pastor in
town.  I'd like  for you to come to church on Sunday.  I'll show you
how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a  chuckle. "Awww, come on...You don't
even know the way to  the Post  Office.

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X - Adult Puns.

"I can't believe that you and Claire are splitting up," said John to
his friend Pete.
"I've always thought of you as the perfect couple, that you'd be
together forever.
Surely you can sort things out, it can't be that bad, can it?"
"Well" explained Pete, "We were driving through a red light district
last night when Claire said:
"Oh look, it's one of those hookers, or prossies, or whores or
whatever you call them."
And I said:
'It's Kelly. Her name is Kelly.'"
John fell silent for a moment, and then said:
"So who do you think will get to keep the house?"

Little Johnny was talking to a friend, complaining about his mom.
He said,
"My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through
her mental pause."

On the eve of the couple's 10th wedding anniversary, the still slim
wife was bragging about her figure.
"You know, honey," she said, "I can still get into the same skirts I
did before we were married."
"Yeah?" the husband replied, "I wish to hell I could."

When the bride found out her husband was gay,
She turned around and took it like a man.

A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall.
In fact, he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow.
With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that
would be a good venue to reach more people.
With this in mind he went to the local TV station.
The farmer said,
"I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to
advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of
all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans..."
The sales manager said,
"Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this
amount of prime advertising time?"
The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly,
"I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."
"$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!! The
current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super
Bowl! For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to
reach the audience!"
The farmer very evenly replied,
"I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood! I'm just
farting around."

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating.
Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

"Dad, why does love-making makes you feels good?"
"Just like digging in your nose, it's feels good, right!"
"Why is it that guys don't usually feel as good as gals?"
"Just like when you dig in your nose, it's your nose that feel good,
not your finger!"
"Then, why do gals feel bad when they are raped?"
"If a stranger comes along and digs in your nose, will you feel the same way?"
"When girls are having their menstruation, why don't they usually want
to have sex?"
"If your nose is bleeding, will you still want your nose to be dug?"
"Dad, one last question, why don't guys like to wear condoms when they
make love?" "Would you want to wear a glove when you dig your nose?"

A cave-dwelling virgin is called "Never Bin Laidon".

The bar room was crowded.
All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.
The barkeep asked,
"What's the trouble, Sweetie?"
She sobbed,
"I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me
because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"
Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.

An elderly couple were in church.
The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband,
"I just let out a long silent fart... What should I do?"
The husband replied,
"Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."

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