MISCELLANEOUS1

Recent Quips from Late Night.

"Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but
the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and
once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think
it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an
old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material."
--Conan O'Brien.

"Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small
donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay
Leno.

"Our official policy is to punish Syria for not renouncing terrorism.
Hey, maybe the visit from Nancy Pelosi was probably the punishment."
--Jay Leno.

"The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not
tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British
food.'" --Conan O'Brien.

"Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after
talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family
were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno.

"Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they
should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's
open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien.

"Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can
cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in
the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where
they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'" --Jay
Leno.

The Procrastinator's Creed.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the
amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of
the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater
the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done
prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles
(the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

She Was So Blonde That:

- She tripped over a cordless phone.

- She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"concentrate."

- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

- She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

- She studied for a blood test.

- When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
Left," she turned around and went home.

- She sold the car for gas money!