JokeGalore!

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs agent stops them and tells them:
"Itsa illegal to putta fiva people inna Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort
disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five people."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are
therefore breakin'a the law".
The Englishmen reply angrily:
"You idiot! Call your supervisor over - we want to speak to someone
with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy
with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

**************


Remember When................ (Classic)

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show.
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....

MEG was the name of my girlfriend.
And GIG was your middle finger upright.
Now, they all mean different things.
And that really MEGA bytes.

An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy, you hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage. not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut, you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper.
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash.
But when it happens they wish they were dead

------------------

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Non-smoking area:
"If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door:
"Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door:
"Gone Fission".

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window:
"Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher's window:
"Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot:
"Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop:
"May we have the next dents?"

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium:
"Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door:
"Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you
don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop:
"Dye now!"

On the side of a Garbage Truck:
"We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a Cafeteria:
"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

On the door of a Music Library:
"Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a Counsellor's office:
"Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

-------------

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I
know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says,
"I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
----------
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So, he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says:
Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better."
The salesman asks,
"How do you want me to put it?"
The man says,
"Well put 'You are not getting older,' at the top and 'You are getting
better' at the bottom."
The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party
watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom."
-------------
"Dad," said Little Johnny,
"I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
The father said irately,
"Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"Yeah, I know," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it
a try, couldn't you?"
------------
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to
appraise my grandfather's violin.
"Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from
you, it's a fiddle."
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