Hello Mummy. Hello Daddy...

Dear Mum and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college.
I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness
in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but
before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further
unless you are sitting down... Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and
the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory
when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed
now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost
normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who
called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at
the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out
dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.
It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine
boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.
We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy
begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking
forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and
give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I
was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my
boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our
premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will
soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind
and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a
different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerance
will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is
somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His
family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an
important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there
was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture,
I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do
not have syphilis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am
getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to
see these marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Dorothy.