Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Your space to post your happy stuff. Anything is acceptable except graphically or otherwise offensive material. Feel free to email the link ( www.jokehaus.com ) to your friends. Your content will be seen by many more and will be archived for a longer time (Check Archives for old material). You can email your material to meisterjoker@gmail.com.(We have removed the ability to email directly to the Blog due to spammers sending inappropriate material - but can provide it to you on request). Enjoy.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Queen am I

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,�who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could
just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked
you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."

Sunday, April 29, 2007

XXX- Voted best joke of 2006 in UK

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course
they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why
the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they
look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone
would shag you twice!"

the social security saga (FYI)

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my
wallet at home "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and
she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social
security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability too."

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Perks of being over 50!!!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pen sion plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list .

Another lot from Udurawana

Udurawana bought a new mobile.
He called everyone from his Phone Book & said
"My Mobile No. has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"

Udurawana : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College
Friend : Really, what is he studying.
Udurawana : No he is not studying, They r Studying him.

Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Udurawana: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. ....
Interviewer shouts: Stop it.
Udurawana : Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

Udurawana : Doctor, In my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Udurawana : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

Udurawana : If I die will u remarry?
Wife : No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Udurawana : No, I'll also stay with your sister

Udurawana : People consider me as a "GOD"
Wife : How do you know??
Udurawana : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD ! U have came again..

Udurawana complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing,
except the TV in my house.
Police : How the thief did not take TV???
Udurawana : I was watching TV news...

Friday, April 27, 2007

HYMN # 365.

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he
said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it
into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete he sat down.........

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced

With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,

Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Men jokes...

What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?
They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.

What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds

Why can't a man be both good-looking and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.

Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.

Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions.

Why are men like the letter Q?
Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion.

Why do fewer women get married these days?
Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge, than a pig in the
living room.

What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject!

Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?
It is rarer.

What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man?
You can enjoy all but the head

Why do men prefer to marry virgins?
They cannot handle the criticism.

What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man?
A rumour.

Why don't men go through menopause?
They never left puberty.

performance appraisal

1 > > Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 > > hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 > > wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 > > thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 > > finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6 > > measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 > > breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 > > vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 > > knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10> > classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11> > dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12> > promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13> > sent away as soon as possible.
> > Sd/-
> > Project Leader
>
>
> THE FOLLOWING MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
> > That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote
> > the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
lines 1,3,5,7,9,11,13 of the above paragraph for my true
assessment of him.
Regards,
Sd/-
Project Leader

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Wrong side!

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two

novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.

As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I

think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled

Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters

who had been teaching at the convent for several years.

She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God

give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you." But

again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong

side of the bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an

irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching,

step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother

Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before

greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God

watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the

wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored!

"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three

times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.

"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing

Father Murphy's slippers."

Take this test

>> This was developed as an age test by an R&D
>> department at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can
>> read each line aloud without a mistake.
>> The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
>>
>> 1. This is this cat
>> 2. This is is cat
>> 3. This is how cat
>> 4. This is to cat
>> 5. This is keep cat
>> 6. This is an cat
>> 7. This is old cat
>> 8. This is chap cat
>> 9. This is busy cat
>> 10. This is for cat
>> 11. This is forty cat
>> 12. This is seconds cat
>>

>> Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top
down.

Funny!!!

Has the bus come yet?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks,
"Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here?
~ Billy Connoly

Compatible: Your money fits in the salesperson's wallet.
~Rod Carty

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
~J. Paul Getty

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
~Gracie Allen

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity. But not in that order.

Perfect office computer
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer.
If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
~Milton Berle

Making the last car payment
Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . .
Making the last ca r payment.

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
~Laurence J Peter

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like ev eryone else.

Louder horn
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A domestic animal.
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Bible Story

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious
financial trouble. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and
distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, h e asked for three volunteers
from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles
door-to-door for$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the
church. Peter, Pauland Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for
the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living
as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles But he
had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always
kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louie, the
minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them
away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked
them to meet with him and report the results oftheir door-to-door
selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how
successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well,
Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?". Proudly
handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales
prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Peter!" the minister
said, vigorously shaking his hand "You are indeed a fine salesman and
the church is indebted to you." Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many
bibles did you sell for the church last week?". Paul, smiling and
sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional
salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I
collected." The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid,
Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also
indebted to you." Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and
said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?".
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend
opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister
exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3,200 inhere! Are you suggesting that you
sold 320 bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in
unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold
10times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem
unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you
managed to accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-
re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he
stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud,
Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the
door!" Louie replied, "A-a-a-all I-I-I- s-s-said wa-wa-was,
"w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this
b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks, o-o-or wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and
r-r-r-read it t-t-toy-y-you?

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Udurawana in Saudi Arabia

Udurawana, a German and an American got arrested consuming alcohol
which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime
they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were
preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow
each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then
said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had
to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The American was next up. After watching the German in horror he said
smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the American was
also led away whimpering loudly.

Udurawana was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheikh turned to him and said:

"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is
one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Udurawana replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me
not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are
also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And what is your
second wish?" the Sheik asked.

Udurawana smiled and said, "Tie the American to my back"!!!

Monday, April 23, 2007

CAT 'N DOG LIVES ...

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
6:00 a.m. - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 a.m. - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 a.m. - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 a.m. - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 a.m. - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 p.m . - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 p.m. - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 p.m. - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 p.m. - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 p.m. - They're home! My favorite thing!>
7:00 p.m. - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 p.m. - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite
thing!
11:00 p.m. - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with
bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry
nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my
dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again
vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at
their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely
made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I
am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I
was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the
event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I
overheard that my confinement was due to the power of
"allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to
my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one
of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is
obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I
observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain
that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell so he is
safe....for now.

Medical anecdotes

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

--Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

--Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan
Steinberg

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered
what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.

--Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was
alive."

--Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly".

--Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on
the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the
grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

--Submitted by an RN - no name

The Bacon Tree

You want a groaner?? Here's a good one!

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,
Wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when
all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."
"Is, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ... there's fried bacon,
back bacon, double smoked bacon...
Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!"
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?; We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...
ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that ....Luis races toward the tree.
He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when
all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his
tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he
manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right...ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis, Mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees..........

Ees...

Ees.........

Ees....

... Eees a Ham Bush!"

Father at different stages......

HOW A SON / DAUGHTER THINKS OF HIS / HER FATHER AT DIFFERENT AGES

At 04 Years My father is great.

At 06 Years My father knows everybody.

At 10 Years My father is good but is short tempered.

At 12 Years My father was very nice to me when I was young.

At 14 Years My father is getting fastidious.

At 16 Years My father is not in line with the current times.

At 18 Years My father is becoming increasingly cranky.

At 20 Years Oh! It's becoming difficult to tolerate father.
Wonder how mother puts up with him.

At 25 Years Father is objecting to everything.

At 30 Years It's becoming difficult to manage my son. I was
so scared of my father when I was young.

At 40 Years Father brought me up with so much discipline.
Even I should do the same.

At 45 Years I am baffled as to how my father brought us up.

At 50 Years My father faced so many hardships to bring us
up. I am unable to manage a single son.

At 55 Years My father was so far sighted and planned so
many things for us. He is one of his kind and unique.

At 60 Years My father is great.

Thus, it took 56 years to complete the cycle and come back to the 1st stage.

One for the road..

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.
As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the
guy started feeling a little in the mood.
With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall
and smiling, he said to her "Honey , would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
" Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way , it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and.............
The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled.
And in a sleepy voice she said,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need
be mom says she can come down herself and do it but for God' sake and
all of ours..
TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........

Sunday, April 22, 2007

WHY - O - WHY

1 why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
Batteries are flat?
2 why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
There is not enough?
3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
Stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
Throw a gun at him?
8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10 What is the speed of darkness?
11 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people At
The Special Olympics?
12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be
Twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others
Doing here?
16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide,
Is it a hostage situation?
18 Can you cry under water?
19 What level of importance must a person have, before they are
Considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
Would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
Wake up, like, every two hours?
24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
Binoculars to look at things on the ground?
26 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or
Close the cubicle curtain while you change?..... They're still going
To see you naked anyway.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Innocent Questions

1) NUDITY.
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a
seat belt!"
***********
2) OPINIONS.
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."
***********
3) KETCHUP.
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk
to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
***********
4) MORE NUDITY.
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the
matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
***********
5) POLICE # 1.
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform,
She asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing
the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well,
then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please
tie my shoe?"
***********
6) POLICE # 2.
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment,
My K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in
at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I
replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of
the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"
***********
7) ELDERLY.
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a
glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe
this!"
***********
8) DRESS-UP.
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a
headache the next morning."
***********
9) DEATH.
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a
small box and cotton batting , then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of
what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the
Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."
***********

10) SCHOOL.
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother .. "I can't read, I can't
write and they won't let me talk!"
***********
11) BIBLE.
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object
and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed
in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
; ; "What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think
it's Adam's underwear. "
***********

Round and round

Answer please

Soppy but very readable

Colonialism...British style

Friday, April 20, 2007

Dating My Daughter.

Doug asks,
"I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What
are you going to do when she starts to date"?
Bill says,
"I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his
shoulder and pull him close to me so that only he can hear.
Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my
only daughter and I love her very much. If you were thinking about
touching, kissing or being ph ysically affectionate to her in any way,
just remember, I don't mind going back to prison."

Catholic Parrots (No offense intented)

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible..

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise
and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase
. . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As
he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been
answered!"

Semantics

The "semantics" game of Political Correctness......

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an
"unlicensed pharmacist."

Far better to drink wine

BECAUSE I CARE

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. Body waste.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do not
run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other
liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling or filtering and/or fermenting.

WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH

Hence: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink
water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this
valuable information. I am doing it as a public service

Thursday, April 19, 2007

MARRIAGE!!!

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want then,
When you see what the other person has,
You wish you had ordered that.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No but the thought of long life will never come

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like
Two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It's like asking someone,
If suicide is better or being murdered.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is difficult to understand GOD.
He makes such beautiful things as women
and
Then, he turns them into Wives.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you are married please ignore this msg,
For everyone else:
Happy Independence Day!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before marriage,
A man will lie awake all night
Thinking about something you say.

After marriage,
he'll fall asleep before you finish.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's a way of transferring funds
That is even faster than electronic banking.

It's called marriage.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Girlfriends are like CHOCOLATES,
Taste good anytime.

Lovers are like PIZZAS,
Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.

Husbands are like Dhal RICE,
Eaten when there's no choice.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?

Man: Don't take any chances.
Burn the body and bury the ash.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prospective husband:
Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?

Salesgirl:
The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this guy who told his woman
That he loved her so much that he
Would go through hell for her.

They got married
and
now he is going thru hell.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fact of life:
One woman brings you into this world crying
&
the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per the law
You cannot be punished twice
For the same offence!

LIVE & LET LIVE!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Marriage

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man marries typical

good-looking woman and after the wedding,

he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and

at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and
card-playing when I want with my old buddies

and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules!

Any comments?"

His new bride says, "No, that's fine with me.

Just understand that there will be sex

here at seven o'clock every night

whether you're here or not."

(SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the

day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die,

I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die,

I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

******************************
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife

are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says,

"You're no good in bed either!"

and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty

and decides to make amends

and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings,

and the irritated husband says,

"What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

She says,

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud

of his ach ievements. He is so proud of himself,

that he starts calling his wife,

"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party.

The man decides that it's time to go home

and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice,

"Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack

of discretion , shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(DITTO!)

**************************************
Marriage (Part V) The
Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems

at home and were giving each other the

silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,

he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM

for an early morning bus iness flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence

(and LOSE),

he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up,

only to discover it was 9:00 AM

and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why

his wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped

for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before

the masterpiece.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

humor1-jokes.

The Worst Book I've Ever Read.

A blonde walks into the library.
She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian:
"This is the WORST book I've ever read!"
"It has NO plot and far too many characters!"
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks:
"So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

----------------

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour
peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked:
"What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned:
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied:
"That's because he's inside your f.....ing cat.

---------------

Male Or Female?

Ever think about it?
A lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines
for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight
shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all,
and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha ! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

MISCELLANEOUS1

Recent Quips from Late Night.

"Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but
the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and
once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think
it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an
old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material."
--Conan O'Brien.

"Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small
donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay
Leno.

"Our official policy is to punish Syria for not renouncing terrorism.
Hey, maybe the visit from Nancy Pelosi was probably the punishment."
--Jay Leno.

"The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not
tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British
food.'" --Conan O'Brien.

"Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after
talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family
were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno.

"Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they
should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's
open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien.

"Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can
cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in
the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where
they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'" --Jay
Leno.

The Procrastinator's Creed.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the
amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of
the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater
the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done
prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles
(the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

She Was So Blonde That:

- She tripped over a cordless phone.

- She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"concentrate."

- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

- She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

- She studied for a blood test.

- When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
Left," she turned around and went home.

- She sold the car for gas money!

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Old Sea Captain..........

An old sea captain, and a little
guy who played the fiddle, were
arguing about women.

The old sea captain tells the little
fiddle player that women can't be
trusted, and they will not be faithful
under any circumstances.

The little fiddle player said well he
bet his wife would not do anything
like that.

So, the old sea captain said he would
bet his ship and cargo against the
fiddler player's violin that she would
be unfaithful.

The fiddle player took the bet, and invited
the sea captain over to his house, and
sent the two of them into the bedroom
while he waited outside the door.

A half hour went by and he heard nothing
from his wife, so he started singing to the
tune of Auld Lang Sine:

Be true, my love, be true my love,
It's only for an hour.
Don't screw, my love, don't screw, my love,
And the ship and cargo's ours.

She sang back to him:

Too late, my love, too late, my love,
He's got me round the middle,
He's screwed me once, he'll do it twice,
And you've lost your damned old fiddle!!!

JokesGalore

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences.
The first man said:
"My wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins."
"That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the
three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted:
"Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed:
"When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!

----------
Spanish Proverb.

Whoever gossips to you; will also gossip about you

-------------

---------------------

HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked
intellectual leadership.
He received a $26 million severance package.
(Let that be a lesson to him!)

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man
was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
(No one ever said you had to be "smart" to be a cop.)

NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL...NOT!
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines.
The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
(Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)

WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY...READ THIS.
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destroyed a $1,270,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's
newly installed fire prevention alarm system.
"This is even worse than last year, "said the distraught homeowner,
"when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
(...hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?)

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.
(Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?)

I WANNA BE A BRAIN SURGEON WHEN I GROW UP!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police
station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly
asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which
he claimed had been stolen.
Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep
hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the
wire in to try and find the missing brain.
(After his hospital stay, he was immediately enrolled in law school!)

FOOT IN MOUTH...UP TO THE KNEE!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a line-up.
When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words,
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not
what I said!"
(Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didn't pick him!)

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up
a Bank of America branch without a weapon.
King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)

~~~~~~~~

IRISH SMILES - a bit late for St. Patrick's day

Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often
among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy
opponent.

An American lawyer asked,
"Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he
answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.
The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Irish lass customer:
"Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper:
"I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen,
"Is that you I hear spitting in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but, I'm gettin' closer all the time."

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

Finnegan:
My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the
morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan:
What on earth is she doing at that time?
Finnegan:
Waiting for me to come home!

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
"Quick!" he said.
"Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve
your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but, it keeps fallin' off!"

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

My mother wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then, once a week people
come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

Saturday, April 14, 2007

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS!

There was a World wide survey of " Most Embarrassing Moment in Human Life" and the final three incidents are ....

Third Place.

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.

As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.

I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone.

Since we didn't want to miss the call.

We didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!".

My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there !

My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

Second Place (a lady).

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!".

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing!

I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.

And the Winner Is.....First place.

This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked,

"If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"

"That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data.

Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked,

"Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.

However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.

Totally straight-faced, he answered her question,

"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat! "

Friday, April 13, 2007

The Priest

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met
up with Father Rafferty. The Father said,
"Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs.. Donovan & didn't I marry
ye & yer husband two years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week & I'll light a
candle for ye & yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways. Some years
later they met again.
The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs.. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me,
have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins & 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful!"
How is ye loving husband doing?" She replied,

"E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!"

Irish joke...

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London.

Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said

"Suits #5.00, Shirts #2.00, Trousers #2.50 per pair."

Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent. "

"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will." says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at #5.00 each, 100 shirts at #2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at #2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?" Well ..... yes," says a surprised Paddy.

"How der hell d' y' know dat?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Six Classic Affairs!!! An oldie but worth a repeat!!!

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying !

You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved
for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked
it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with
a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two
days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing"

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and
a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying !

You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved
for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked
it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with
a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two
days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing"

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and
a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

FEMALE COMPASSION!!!

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach .
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said
"Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said,
"No."
So, she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said,
"Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said,
"No."
So, she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear,
"Have you ever been f****d?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said,
"No"
She said,
"You will be when the tide comes in!"

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
'Ryan, you be Jesus!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday, April 09, 2007

Say What?

George W. and Laura are at the Yankees opening game of the season, sitting
in the first row, with the Secret Service people all around both
sides, kneeling in front and directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to
George W.

At first, Bush stares at the guy, looks at Laura, looks back at the
agent, and shakes his head "no."

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the
entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy." George W.
hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him
the fans would love it! George W. shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If
that is what the people want.

C'mere Laura, baby..." With that, George W. gets up, grabs Laura by her
collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right
over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "George, you "!^$#@&!".

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering,
hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. George W. is bowing, smiling and
waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about
that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first
Pitch."

The Soldier & the Nun

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts

for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running

along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt
and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see -- I don't

want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but

you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have

seen a great pair of balls . . . I don't want to go to Iraq either.

The soldier fainted !!!!!!!.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Good stuff

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and
were lifelong friends.
But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying.
While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn,
"O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'aver a request for ye."
Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawnee ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm
leaving 'ere. I 'aver one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears,
"Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey
in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die,
and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey
over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy
it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his
friend's request, he asked:
"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey.
But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

Laughter!!!

God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God: "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds:
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said: "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've
placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of
black people. Balance in all things,"
God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said: "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests,
hills and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be
handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be
found travelling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the
world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked: "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled: "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the
idiots I put there."

Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he
was, since his birth- records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable
lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; life isn't always air; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children. It declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a
student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant
and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little
in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense
was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife,
Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else
Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and
do nothing.

Ain't Life Peachy..

There is hope in old age

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny...

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now

NEAREST RELATIVE .7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY T HAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock!***

Rudy's Last Chance to Save NY

Push Now Rudy..Push...

Fast fotos - Fantastic

Florida-Alabama Annual Belly-Button Jewelry Contest

Could be a little too revealing ...

FLORIDA

ALABAMA

Blind man

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in
their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes,
they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.

An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.

"Who is it?" they called out.

"I'm the blind man," came the reply.

The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see
them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting.
They were surprised when he walked around the room with no
difficulty.

"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she
had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave
the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the
counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother
you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to
my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But,
just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching
the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly
bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Men just don't listen !

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)