XXX ADULT PUNS!

I got a sweater for Christmas...
Really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Little Bobby says
"Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?"
His mom says,
"Why, a stork, little Bobby."
Little Bobby says,
"Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?"
His mom says,
"A raven, dear."
Little Bobby then says,
"Then, what kind of bird brings no babies at all?"
His mom says,
"A swallow!"

The law prohibits sex between lawyers and their clients
This is to prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day.
Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.
"Yes. . .  Uh huh. . . OK. . . Yes. . . Bye"
Her husband's best friend says,
"Who was it?"
"That was my husband," she replied
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf
with you"

I was sexually abused as a child,
First, by my right hand, then, by my left.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in the midst of a bitter divorce.
Unable to amicably resolve their differences, they ended up in court.
After considering all the evidence, the judge addressed Mickey.
"Mickey, I'm afraid there is insufficient evidence to substantiate your
claim that Minnie is insane."
Mickey replied,
"Damn it Judge. I didn't say she was insane. I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"

Bernie says to his wife Sarah,
"Let's go out tonight, darling and have some fun."
Sarah replies,
"OK, but if you get home before I do, please leave the light in the hall
on."

Fearing that she might be a haemophiliac, the prostitute went to see her
doctor.
"It's awful," she says. "Every time I get even a small cut, it takes days
for the bleeding to stop."
"I see," said the physician. "And how much do you lose when you get your
period?"
She thought for a moment, then answered,
"About five grand.

What should you do if your date yells,
"I can't take it any longer."?
Tell her not to worry;
it's not gonna get any longer!

A young Irish boy falls in love with a girl and takes her home to meet his
family.
The boy, his lady friend, and his family gather around the dining room
table, and his mother asks the girlfriend what she does.
The girl hesitates, then says,
"I'm a prostitute."
The mother screams, faints and has to have water splashed in her face to
bring her round.
"Forgive me, my dear. But I don't think I heard that correctly. Did you say
you were a prostitute?"
"Yes," says the girl.
The mother laughs and says,
"Thank goodness. For a moment I thought you said you were a Protestant."

I caught my son having sex today.
I then said to him,
"Go to your room and think about what you have done!"
Five minutes later, I walked in to his room to find him having a wank.