XXX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who walked around belly-to-belly.
It seems in their haste,
They used Carter's paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.


You can tell if a bride is horny when she comes walking down the aisle.

Beau and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came
across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.
"Boy," said Beau, "that sight sure makes me want to do the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."

Have you heard about the gigolo in the leper colony?
Everything was fine until his business started falling off.

Lorraine was driving through a town in Montana and stopped Little Johnny, to
ask where she could find a taxidermist.
Little Johnny said he did not think there was any there.
She said, "Are you sure?"
At that, he admitted he did not know what the word meant.
Therefore, she explained that a taxidermist is a man who mounts animals.
Little Johnny said,
"Oh hell, we have got plenty of them around here, only we call them
sheepherders!"

One of the dancers from the strip joint disappeared last week and hasn't
been obscene since.

I was telling a girl in the bar about my uncanny ability to guess the day a
woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then. Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
I took my hands from her chest and replied,
"Yesterday?

They say that with sex you burn off as many calories as running 3 miles.
Who the hell runs 3 miles in 30 seconds?

A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says
"Howdy. How you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?"
"Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?"
"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will
screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens."
He interrupts in a very indignant tone,
"CHICKENS?!"

Confucius say,
"Sheep shagging wrecks lives but makes ewe happy"

I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden
this cat jumped out in front of me.
I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump,
So I stopped.
There was the cat lying right in the road.
It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of
the tire had cut it off.
A lady came running out of a house screaming,
"You killed my cat!"
I told her,
"No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll fix that."
I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped
the cat's tail back on.
The lady immediately blushed and called the cops.
A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket.
Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted.
What a bummer.
All for retailing pussy in a residential area.

At a drugstore counter:
"Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?"
"Don't miss me, mister!"
"Well then, you better make it thirteen."

"I really don't know what you see in him, Susan," said the young trial
lawyer to her lunch companion. "He's just an everyday sort of man."
"Well, Jeez," Susan said, putting down her fork and giving her friend a
look.
"What more could a girl ask for?"

A gay masochist is:
A sucker for punishment.