XXX ADULT PUNS!

If the skirts got any shorter"
Said the typist with a blush.
"There'd be two more cheeks to powder
And lots more hair to brush!"
(Bob Hope)

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather.
Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one
day.
Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.
Shocked and furious to see her daughter's friend with his mouth in her
crouch, she said
"You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home!"
Mary replied,
"But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"

Men are like bananas.
The older they get,
The less firm they are.

I recently hired a temp to fill in while my secretary was off for six months
on maternity leave.
Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked her what she expected to
earn.
The temp replied,
"Well, the minimum I could possibly work for is four hundred a week."
I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.
The temp shook her head and replied,
"With 'pleasure,' it'll be $600 a week."

A woman came over to look at her boyfriend's unfurnished apartment.
She was floored.

The manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood
received this testimonial from a little old lady who lived on a farm in
Tennessee:
"Before taking your tonic," the woman wrote, "I was too tired to hoe the
fields or pick the cotton. But after only two bottles of your delicious
mixture, I've become the best cotton-picking hoer in the county."

A one-story cat house makes more money than a two-story cat house,
Because,
There's no fuckin' overhead.

There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what
they would like to be when birthed and grown up.
The first one said
"I wanna be a plumber."
The others laughed at this, and asked,
"Why a plumber?"
He replied,
"So I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."
The second one said,
"I wanna be an electrician."
The others laughed at this and asked,
"Why an electrician?"
He replied,
"So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said,
"I wanna be a boxer."
The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes,
before asking,
"Why in G*d's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied,
"So I can beat the Hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and
spitting on us!"

Giving a Blow Job is a win/lose situation.
He may have you on your knees,
But
You have him by the balls!

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two
tampons.
Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,
 "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded,
"Nah, they're stuck up cunts."

The difference between a modern woman and a 90's computer is
A modern woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.