XXX ADULT PUNS!

Confucius Say:
A 400 pound lady, who likes both men and women,
Is a bisexual built for two.

While making up her teen-age daughter's bed, she was shocked to discover a
large carrot under the pillow.
When Mary Jo came home, Mother demanded an explanation of the carrot.
"Mother, I want to be honest with you," she confessed, "for the past few
weeks that carrot has been my husband." "Well," the Mother replied,
"consider yourself a widow, because your husband just went into tonight's
stew!"

Dancing:
A vertical expression for horizontal intention.

On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped
into a sexy, but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into
bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied,
"Because it's Lent."
"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she exclaimed,
close to tears. "To whom and for how long?"

The difference between light and hard is,
You can sleep with a light on.

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some
time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his
hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained,
"I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable ass hole!" she screamed.
"That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."

What should you do if your date yells,
"I can't take it any longer"?
Tell her not to worry; it's not gonna get any longer!

A woman answers the phone in a busy office,
'Good morning, Cleveland Parachute Club.'
A startled man on the other end replied,
'Excuse me, but isn't this the Cleveland Prostitute Club'?
'Oh no sir,' came the embarrassed reply, 'this is the Cleveland Parachute
Club.'
'Damn!' said the man. 'I'm afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your
salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week'

What do you call a gay dentist?
A tooth fairy!