XX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a fellow named Clyde,
Who fell in a privy and died...
He had a young brother,
Who fell in another,
And now they're interred side by side.

How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil

The actress Betsy Drake, who was once married to Cary Grant, was invited to
attend a party on the opulent yacht of the Greek shipping tycoon Aristotle
Onassis.
While sitting at the bar, someone said,
"Did you know that the bar stool you are sitting on comes from the skin of a
whale's penis?"
Ms. Drake jumped up in mock surprise and exclaimed:
"Oh my God! Moby's dick!"

Zipper:
A Penis Fly Trap.

Two guys were at a circus fair and were trying some of the rides when they
came to the bungee jump.
One says to the other,
"How about it?"
The other replies,
"No way! I came in to this world cuz of a broken rubber and I'm not leaving
it the same way!"

Democrats generally have more children than Republicans.
Who ever heard of anyone enjoying a good piece of elephant?

The janitor in a Jewish synagogue collected the cut-off pieces after each
Bris (circumcision) was performed.
He realized it was a shame to throw them away and thought that they could be
turned into something useful.
So, he walked into a cobbler's shop, dropped a load of them onto the
counter, and asked the cobbler to make him a wallet.
The cobbler asked him to come back tin a week.
When he did, he was overwhelmed with his foreskin wallet.
It had beautiful stitching, plenty of pockets for holding cards and cash and
was the best wallet he had ever seen.
"How much for your work?" he inquired.
"$100" said the cobbler.
"$100?" gasped the janitor. "But I can buy a new, top of the line wallet for
$40."
"That's true," replied the cobbler, "but this one is special. When I gave it
a quick polish and shine last night, it turned into a suitcase!"

Dorothy Parker named her pet canary Onan.
When people asked, as many did,
"Why did you name your canary Onan?"
She had a stock answer:
"Because he spills his seed upon the ground."

Doug married one of a pair of identical twin girls.
Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honour," Doug started, "Every once in a while my sister-in-law
would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical
looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge
said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honour. That's why I want
the divorce!"

I went to the restroom after lunch.
An associate was there at the sink.
I washed my hands then went over to the urinal.
He said,
"You wash your hands before you piss?"
I said,
"I just had KFC, I don't want my wife to tell me I taste like chicken."

What do you call a woman who puts her diaphragm in crooked?
"Mother"