XX ADULT PUNS!

What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
Butter is difficult to spread.

My ex- is probably the dumbest man I've ever known.
He came into our bedroom one night holding a jalapeno pepper in his hand.
I said,
"Why in hell did you bring that pepper to the bedroom?"
He said,
"You told me to add spice to our sex life."

Aspic:
Rectal scratching.)

An army nurse went to bed eating popcorn.
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

A judge kept ruling that no pornographic movie could be offered one the
market.
Several enraged porn actors and actresses ganged up one him in a dark alley
and choked his honour to death.
Ever since he's been known as the star-strangled banner.

A reporter goes to a mental institution to do a story.
He's walking around when he sees a man swinging a baseball bat.
He walks up to him and asks,
"Buddy, What the heck are you doing?".
The man replies,
"I'm Babe Ruth. One more home run and I'm out of here."
The reporter just nods and walks on.
He sees another guy swinging a golf club on the other side of the room.
He walks over and says,
"Excuse me, but what the heck are you doing?"
The guy says,
"I'm Tiger Woods. One more hole in one and I'm out of here."
The reporter just nods and walks away.
Then, he sees another guy in the corner with a peanut on the end of his
penis.
He goes over and asks the guy what he thinks he's doing and the guy replies,
"I'm fucking nuts and I ain't ever getting out of here!"

The best blonde secretary in the world is
One that never misses a period.

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.
He says to his buddy at lunch,
"Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife one the shoulder,
gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! A little later I rolled
over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance.
Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly
in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. I gave her a
little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately
had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a
performance?"
"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

The constipated accountant couldn't budget.