XX ADULT PUNS!

Life is all about ass!
You are either:
Covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Behaving like one,
Or
Living with one.

The secret to a happy marriage to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
It's also important to find a woman that earns good money.
And it's important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
It's very important that these three women never meet.

Voyeurs:
People who need peepholes.

Jill walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the fact that
they are about to be audited during the coming month.
Says the first guy with a groan,
"I'm screwed!"
"I'm screwed, too!" says the other guy, slapping his forehead.
"Guys, I am about to be fucked beyond all recognition by this audit!"
exclaims the third guy in anguish.
Just then, one of the guys notices Jill who has been standing there
listening.
She now has a very thoughtful look on her face.
"Are you OK?" asks the guy.
"Yes," replies Jill, "but I was wondering how do I go about getting
audited?"

I keep telling my wife,
"It's not cheating on you with your sister, It's making love to you by
proxy." Some women just don't understand.

In an after-dinner discussion with other members of London's Hellfire Club,
the eighteenth-century English prelate George Selwyn was told a story about
a father, son, and grandson who had all shared the same mistress, passing
her on from generation to generation.
While most members of the group considered this quite remarkable, one member
of the club casually remarked,
"There's nothing new under the sun."
Selwyn quipped:
"Nor under the grandson."
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

An old gentleman wearing a beat-up leather-flying jacket sat down at the
Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the man and asked,
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied,
"Well, I've spent my whole life flying; biplanes, cubs, Aeroncas, T-6s, flew
in W WII in a B-25, and later Sabre Jets in the Korean conflict. I taught 50
people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so yes, I guess I am a pilot."
She said,
"I'm a Lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as
I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think
about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems
everything makes me think of naked women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old
pilot and asked,
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied,
"I always thought I was, but I just found out I am a Lesbian."

The ref called a penalty during the Leper hockey game because there was a
face off in the corner.

The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the congregation,
"Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do something about people
parking behind the church at night. I was out there this morning and there
are enough beer cans out there to build a car."
One of the old sisters stood up and said,
"Amen, Brother, and enough rubber for the tires."

Sometimes I lie in bed with insomnia, thinking of all the things I did wrong
in my life.
I end up counting sheep.
All the sheep I've screwed.