XX Adult Puns!

Philosophers aren't a good source
For sexual info, of course
For advice on their art
Consult nympho or tart
And don't put Descartes 'fore the whores.

Taking Viagra is like an attraction at Disneyland.
You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride.

A little boy walks into the living room where his parents are entertaining a
large gathering of their friends and loudly announces,
"Mommy, I have to poop!"
The mother takes the boy to the bathroom and says,
"Now, Billy, the next time you have to go to the bathroom , say, 'Mommy, I
have to whisper.'"
"Okay," says the boy.
That night little Billy wakes up at 3:00 AM and goes to his parents' bedroom
where they are sound asleep.
He goes up to his mother and says,
"Mommy, I have to whisper."
The mother drowsily replies,
"I'm too tired now. Go whisper in Daddy's ear.

Prostitute:
A woman who makes her living being laid back but who is always pressed for
cash.

A woman goes into a dentist's office.
After he is through examining her he says:
"I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful! I'd rather have a
baby!"
To which the dentist replies,
"Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

I know an 80 year old man who has sex almost every day.
He almost has it on Monday, almost has it on Tuesday

The blonde full-bosomed high-school cheerleader confessed to her kindly old
Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his
car.
"Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it,
you'll know you've been doing something wrong."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." replied the cheerleader. "It probably would be
more comfortable in the back seat."

Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark.
They start raping the nuns and the first nun says,
"Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!"
The second one says,
"This one does!"

Three women were returning to their village when they spotted a man,
obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him
stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle.
When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she
recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped
his pants.
She remarked,
"Well, he's not my husband."
The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed,
"Your right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and
said,
"He's not even from our village."

Confucius say,
"Girl who sits on Judge's lap get honourable discharge."

A man went to his doctor for a check-up.
Half way through, the doctor told him to take down his trousers.
The doctor stood back in surprise, as there was a squirrel in a chauffeur's
uniform in the man's shorts.
Did you know you have a squirrel dressed as a chauffeur in your pants?"
asked the doctor.
"Yes," answered the man, "he's driving me nuts."

The difference between a blonde and a brick is
A brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.