XX - Adult Puns!

The difference between a boxer and a woman is:
A boxer stands up to get knocked down and
A woman lies down to get knocked up.

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a
husband for her.
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure
you are compatible in bed.
He wants...
"A sample."
The woman was shocked.
"Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would
suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.
What kind of a woman does he think I am?"
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said,
"He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods.
By him, it's not a big deal... Just a sample."
She thought a minute.
"He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I
can give him 50 or 60 references."

I have been on a new diet which consists of a lot of chicken, turkey
and Cornish game hens.
I'm losing weight, but it sure leaves a fowl taste in my mouth.

"Say," said the smooth operator in a confidential tone to the host of
the party, "there's a lot of hot babes at this party. If I find one
that's ready to grab a quick one, would you mind if I used your extra
bedroom?"
"What about your wife?"
"Oh, I won't be gone that long. She'll never miss me."
"No, I'm sure she won't miss you," smirked the host, "but fifteen
minutes ago. She borrowed the extra bedroom."

Ellen DeGeneres drowned.
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

A redneck left his drinking buddy at the bar and headed home early,
explaining he had to get up early the next day.
The buddy was surprised to see the redneck come back in just  fifteen
minutes, order another drink and sit down next to him.
"What's up?" the buddy asked. "When I got home early I found my wife
in bed with another guy," the redneck explained.
"Aren't you furious?" the friend asked.
"No, there's no problem. She promised she'd change the sheets afterwards."

He said,
"Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you
really badly."
She said,
"Well, you succeeded."

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor
spotted her.
The supervisor couldn't believe it:
The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her
overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open
front of her uniform! "Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading
around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your
breast exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns! They never put anything back when they're
through using it!"

I hear that in the Middle East all a man has to do to divorce his wife
is to say,
"I divorce you" three times.
Heck, in the U. S. it's easier.
All a man has to say is,
"Yes, that dress does make your butt look big" once.

After dinner, Jill settled on the couch next to John and started
removing his clothes. Wordlessly, she made it clear that they were
going to make love.
Afterward, John said,
"That was very nice, but why didn't you just say something?"
Jill purred,
"At dinner you said you'd like a little piece and quiet around here sometimes."

Death a lot like sex.
It feels funny for a second, but then it's over.