XX Adult Puns!

Female officer to flasher:
"Right, Sir. Let's see if it will stand up in court."
Johnny walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks,
"Can your dog perform other tricks?"
"But of course," Johnny answers, "he can give a woman great pleasure."
Anxious to know more the girl leads Johnny and his dog into a little
room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies
down on the bed.
The dog looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!" shouts Johnny,
"OK, I'll show you how to do it one last time."

Why would your girlfriend get mad if you put your condom on backwards?
Because you'd rubber the wrong way.

The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good
sex life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to ya another way."

What do you call a blonde with her hands up her skirt?
Self employed.

A teenage girl walked into a bank with several glass jars filled with quarters.
After running them through the automated counting machine, the teller
announced, "That came out to $793.75. Tell me, young lady, how long
have you been hoarding all those quarters?"
"All year," replied the girl, "but my sister whored half of them."

You know you're leading a sad life when a nymphomaniac tells you,
"Let's just be friends."

A salesman was testifying in his divorce trial against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused
you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So
naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of heavy
love-making when the  old lady in the apartment next door pounded on
the wall and yelled,
'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

The pretty young secretary had been transferred to the, company's Dallas office.
"We operate the same here in Dallas as you did in Detroit," her boss told her.
"All right then," she answered. "Pull your pants down so I can get started.