ACTUAL AD IN AN AMERICAN NEWS PAPER

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that
I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's
purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this
rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect
you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you
took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the
jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber
Model 1911 ...45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a
shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it
is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come
from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse
walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and
wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your
buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your
cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went
and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the
gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home
took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along
with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was
parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window
and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma
Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a
little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I
managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and
one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target
.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I
guess while he traced your number etc..).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I
feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for
your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some
of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you
have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the
career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you
might not be so lucky .Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex