XX - Adult Puns!

At the mah jongg game, a matron was bragging to her club members.
"That old goat of a husband of mine can't spend a dime without my
consent. My lawyer drew up an agreement that will hold up 100% in any
court. And when he dies, I get every cent under his last will and
testicles."
"You must mean testament," said one of the ladies.
"When I say testicles, I mean testicles," laughed the woman. "Even
after he's buried, I'll still have him by the balls!"
His wife asked him,

"How many women have you slept with?"
He proudly replied,
"Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM.

Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests.
The first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to
go back to his house and have sex.
Once in the house, the girl stripped off her clothes, lay down on the
bed with legs apart and panted,
"I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that
well-hung, asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do - I laid her twice and smacked her in
the face!"

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.
Two divers can't go down alone,
So, they have to go down on each other.

One morning a little girl ran inside and said Daddy,
"Daddy my sister and the man you hired last week are up on the hay
loft in the barn on all that new hay we just bought. She has her dress
up and he has his pants down. I think they are about to piss all over
that new hay!

Men are like bank accounts.
Once they withdraw they lose interest.

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the lecture
topic and on to his favourite subject; the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors about marijuana.
"Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility,
cancer and castration!" "Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a
student. "Castration?!"
"You bet son," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your
girlfriend uses marijuana, you're having sex, and she gets the
munches?"

The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed within eye-
sight of the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks.
The guide noted,
"We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America."
From the back of the bus, a question rang out,
"Why?"