XX - Adult Puns!

A blonde went fishing with a group of men, and came back with a red snapper!

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar,
when one said to the other:
"If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here
find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't
noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

The secretary walks into her boss's office and says,
"Sir, may I use your Dictaphone?"
Her boss says,
"No. You use your finger just like everybody else."

"My teacher is really giving me a tough time," Little Johnny was
telling his father. "Handle it this way, Johnny," his father advised.
"Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay
attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly."
"I really don't think that'll help, Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed
at me during study break that she's three weeks overdue."

Love is complicated machinery.
But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.

A man says to his blonde wife,
"Guess what I heard at our favourite pub today? They were saying the
milkman is having sex with every woman in our apartment building
except one, but they are not sure who that one is."
And right a way she jumps up and says,
"I know who it is, it's that stuck-up bitch Phyllis, in apartment 12."

My ex-girlfriend left a box of tampons at my house.
I keep a couple of them with me at all times.
In case someone starts playing classical music, I'll jam them in my ears.
I hate music from that period!

A guy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses.
He checks them out, but isn't fully convinced they are worth $50.
The salesman assures him that they work and that $50 is a great price.
The blonde decides to buy them.
On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo, he sees
everyone in the street naked!
He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on.
Puts the glasses back on...
Everyone is naked!
'Cool!'
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife
but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and
some guy, naked in bed.
He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked.
He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
He throws down the glasses in disgust and says,
'Damn, I just paid fifty-bucks for these, and they're already broken!'

One blonde's leg said to the other,
"Between you and me, we could make a lot of money."