XX - Adult Puns!

Mary: "So you're happy with John, huh?"
Jill: "Absolutely! He's good to me, and he's so sexy. Before I met
him, I thought sex was just for making babies and keeping the landlord
happy."

The other day I was walking by this convention centre and I heard a
crude remark made towards me.
I told them to "suck my dick".
Little did I know it was the International Nymphomaniacs convention.
Six days later, the police found me in the gutter.
I had lost 30 pounds, and later at the hospital, it took 12 hours of
surgery to get the smile off my face.

A little boy with diarrhoea told his mom he needs Viagra.
The mom asked,
"Why on earth do you need that?"
The little boy replied,
"Isn't that what you give dad when his shit won't get hard"

A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for
paying a prostitute for sex.
"How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.
"Not Guilty, your honour."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds,
"How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have
both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged
prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I
wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another
'heinous' crime, gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor, "How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady
earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to
her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me
tonight'. That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"

Mike picked up an attractive woman, named Linda, who flagged down his
car in a seedy part of town.
As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living.
Linda winked at Mike and said,
"I'm a magician."
"No way," Mike scoffed. 'Prove it."
So, Linda touched him on the thigh, and "Poof" Mike turned into a hotel.

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent love-making session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was
doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded,
"I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied,
"And you must be what's passing through.

A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.
The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says,
"Come again?"
The blonde blushes slightly and giggles,
"Oh, no it's just mustard this time."