Watch out for the Fridge

At a Doctor's surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining
of serious back ache. The doctor examines him and asks him,
"What the hell did you do to your back?
"The patient replies, "You know that I am a bouncer at a local night
club?
Well, yesterday morning I got home to my flat quite early and heard
a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping
with my wife as my wife was lying naked in bed and the balcony door
was open.
I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked
down from the balcony I saw a man running out of the building and he
was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him.
That's how I strained my back.

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor says, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look
Terrible.
What the hell happened to you? The 2nd patient replies, "You know I
Have been unemployed for a while now Doctor? Well yesterday morning
was my first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was
Running late.
I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time,
and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge that fell from the sky.

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two
Patients did.
The doctor was shocked. Again he asks, "What the hell happened to
You???"
"Well you see Doc; I was sitting inside a fridge ...........

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XX Adult Puns!

There was a young girl named Ann Heiser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder  - Budweiser.

The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation, but I
hear that it's coming quickly.

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man stopped in
front of them and flashed them.
The first old lady bent over and had a stroke.
The second old lady bent over and had a stroke.
The third old lady bent over but her arms weren't long enough.

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Men taking iron supplements must be warned that taking Viagra may
cause them to spin around and point north.

This little dog was romping on the railroad and just having a blast
when a train came along and lo-and-behold it cut the very tip of his
tail off before he could get off the track. He went scampering off,
just a screaming because it hurt.
After awhile it quit hurting and he got to wondering what had happened
to the part of his tail that had been cut off.
So, he went back to the tracks to find out.
And being busy looking for the tail that had got cut off he didn't
notice another train coming and it cut his head off.
The moral of this tale is to:
Never lose your head over a little piece of tail.

Harry and Bill are at the bar and chatting.
"Harry, I do not understand my girlfriend. You know, I can't really read her."
"I read mine like a book."
"How?"
"Like I read all books - in bed."

A young archaeologist on his first dig, was examining one of the
chambers of a just uncovered site believed to be the burial vault of a
great Persian ruler's son, when he came upon a round cylindrical
object about 6 inches long.
After closely examining his find, he quickly and excitedly dispatched
a telegram to the Archaeological Research Department at the
Smithsonian Institute.
This is what he said:
"Believe I have found the petrified penis of a proud and passionate
Persian prince. Please verify."
After waiting several weeks for a reply, the Smithsonian's response
finally arrived.
This is what they said:
Regret to inform you that you have not found the petrified penis of a
proud and passionate Persian prince. What you have found is the
calcified crap of a cautious cat that crept into the crypt and
crapped.

A necromantic loves every body.

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XX - Going down in flame ...

Years ago during the battle of Britain (a small island off mainland
Europe, for you chaps reading in the States!) a famous French (from
the noun France, meaning a bigger country on mainland Europe situated
close to Britain!) fighter pilot had evaded capture by the Germans and
was now the RAF's (Royal Air Force, chaps) top flying ace.

Having come back from one harrowing sortie, Herve (pronounced Ur -
vay) the sole surviving member of the squadron crash landed his
damaged & smoking spitfire on the grass runway..

"Fuel up another one" shouts Herve "I fight the dreaded Germans on my own"

He duly got into a new plane flew across the channel (a sea between
Britain & France) and when over northern France encountered a large
squadron of German planes.

Throwing caution to the wind Herve lined them up in his sights and
dived into attack.

He was promptly, unsurprisingly, shot down and crashed in a farmers field.

Climbing from the smoking wreckage Herve is confronted by an angry
farmer brandishing a shotgun and threatening to "blow his German head
off".
(the French fought the Germans in WW2 and were on "our side").

"Non non" says Herve "I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot and
have been shot down, you idiot farmer."

The fame of Herve had even spread to this little farm in northern
France and now reassured the farmer was delighted.

Taking Herve's flight bag in one hand and supporting the tired Herve
with the other the farmer led our intrepid hero back to his simple
farm house for some warming food and a glass of wine (this is an
alcoholic drink favoured in France. It has absolutely no relation to
similarly labeled drinks sold in the US - it is actually rather
pleasant).

On entering the house the farmer introduces Herve to his wife and his
beautiful blonde 18-year-old daughter Nicole.

After a fabulous meal and a few more glasses of real wine, the farmer
announces that it is time for bed.

But there was one problem, there were only 2 bedrooms, one for the
farmer & his wife the other for Nicole (the lovely young daughter -
concentrate).

Herve swore on his honour that he would not lay a finger on Nicole and
could be trusted to share her bed for the night before escaping the
next day across the channel to Blighty (aka Britain see comment line
one).

Needless to say, that no sooner had Herve closed the bedroom door he
jumped the lovely young Nicole.

"Oh Herve, kiss me! Kiss me!" cries Nicole

Herve reaches into his flight bag and brings out a bottle of Merlot
(see previous comment on wine) and splashes it on Nicole's lips.

"What are you doing, Herve?" says the startled Nicole.

"I am Herve, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I
like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Nicole says,

"Herve, kiss me lower."

Herve tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay from his
flight bag and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Herve! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Nicole.

"I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I
like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Nicole leans close to his ear and whispers,
"Herve, kiss me lower!"

Herve, grabs a bottle of Brandy (a highly combustible alcoholic drink
made from grapes and much stronger than Budweiser) and pours it in her
lap.
He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Nicole shrieks as she bats out her flaming bush then shouts angrily at Herve,

"Herve, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

To which Herve replies,

"I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot and when I go down, I go
down in flames!"

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XX - Adult Puns!

Jill was talking to her hair stylist.
"It's silly," she said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea
about losing her hair." "What do you mean?" the beautician asked.
"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best
friend that she hoped she'd be 'bald' soon."

The ultimate rejection occurs when you're masturbating,
And your hand falls asleep.

Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out.
One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.
"Whenever I`m having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters,"
Pinocchio says. Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he
feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his penis.
Happy, Pinocchio says he will try it.
A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street.
He stops him, and asks how its going with the girls,
To which Pinocchio replies,
"Hey, who needs girls?"

Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland -
A one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride

The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to
his college class. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool
cloth in the other, he told his students,
"You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod."
What was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

Confucius says,
"Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands."

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a
much younger salesman.
"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an
occasional piece in the living room!"

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob,
"If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts."

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up." said one doctor. "She does everything
absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2
milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams
every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said,
"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an
enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The
guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God,!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse
Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

I don't know whether Elizabeth Montgomery was a real witch or not, but
she had both Dick York and Dick Sargent play her husband on Bewitched.
How many mortal women do YOU know with two dicks?

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BE CAREFUL HOW YOU MAKE A PHONE CALL

*"A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they

will call it a 'PHONE CALL' so that the kids will not decode.

One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that
he wants to make a phone call.

Mother replies: Tell your father that the Network is bad today.

Husband: Tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to
the* *"Public Phone".**

Wife sent back, tell your father that if he dares goes to a Public Phone,
then I will open a* *" Call Center* *" at home."*

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XX Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Women with Big Tits...

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the centre of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Tits...

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

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IT WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF!

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was
asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was:

1. A four-year-old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly
gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry the little boy went into the old gentleman's
yard climbed onto his lap and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbour the little
boy just said,
'NothingI just helped him cry.'

*********************************************

2. Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family.
One little boy in the picture had a different hair colour than the
other members.
One of her students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said,
'I know all about adoption. I was adopted..'
'What does it mean to be adopted?'asked another child.
'It means' said the girl 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead
of her tummy!'

************************
3. To watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
park near my home.
As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base lineI asked one of
the boys what the score was,
'We're behind 14 to nothing' he answered with a smile.
'Really' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.'
'Discouraged?' the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face...
'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet.'

***********************
4.  Spot In life.
 I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play.
His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it though she
feared he would not be chosen...
On the day the parts were awarded I went with her to collect him after school.
Jamie rushed up to her eyes shining with pride and excitement..
'Guess what Mom' he shouted and then said those words that will remain
a lesson to
Me....
'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

*********************************************

5. An eye witness account from New York City on a cold day in December
some years ago:
A little boy about 10-years-old was standing before a shoe store on
the roadway barefooted peering through the window and shivering with
cold.
 A lady approached the young boy and said
'My but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes' was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand went into the store and asked the clerk
to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy.
She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel.
He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and removing
her gloves knelt down washed his little feet and dried them with the
towel.

By this time the clerk had returned with the socks..
Placing a pair upon the boy's feet she purchased him a pair of shoes..
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him..
She patted him on the head and said.
'No doubt you will be more comfortable now.'
As she turned to go the astonished kid caught her by the hand and
looking up into her face with tears In his eyes asked her.
'Are you God's wife?'

*********************************************

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A Diplomat is a person who:

  -always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.

-can always make himself misunderstood.

-can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.

-can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.

-can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.

-can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.

-can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.

-can make nothing sound like something.

-can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

-can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.

-can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.

-can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.

-can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.

-comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.

-divides his time between running for office and running for cover.

-has a straightforward way of dodging issues.

-lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.

-puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.

-straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one.

-will approach every question with an open mouth.

-will lay down your life for his country.

-will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

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University aspirants should be asked to answer this:

"If a girl faints, we must first feel her pu_s_".

*Those who write 'Pulse' become doctors/nurses

*Those who answer 'Purse' become investment

  bankers, lawyers and professional thieves

*The rest are considered normal, and good enough

  to go straight into adult life...

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AND NOW FACE BOOK ADDICTION !

The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions
Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the
"Heroin Addiction Department (HAD)," the "Smoking Addiction Department
(SAD)" and the "Bingo Addiction Department (BAD)." Then she spotted
the department she was looking for: "Facebook Addiction Department
(FAD)."

It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen
people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into
their Blackberries and iPhones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair
was pacing the room, muttering,"I need to milk my cows. I need to milk
my cows."

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his
hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him.

"Don't worry. It'll be all right."

"I just don't understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but
none of my friends even clicked the 'like' button."

"How long has it been?"

"Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world."

The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed
the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction
Counselor.

"Please have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me
how it all started."

"Well, it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join
Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was
something for me, because I usually have my face in a book."

"How soon were you hooked?"

"Faster than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on
Facebook at least eight times each day -- and more times at night.
Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in
case there was an update from one of my new friends in India . My
husband didn't like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing
and should never be outsourced."

"What do you like most about Facebook?"

"It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only
five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I'm even friends
with Juan Carlos Montoya."

"Who's he?"

"I don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous."

"Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see."

"Oh yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school --
I still call them 'gals.' I hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so
it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who's
retired, who's still working, and who's had some work done. I love
browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they've
been on vacation, which movies they've watched, and whether they hang
their toilet paper over or under. I've also been playing a game with
some of them."

"Let me guess. Farmville?"

"No, Mafia Wars. I'm a Hitman. No one messes with Edna."

"Wouldn't you rather meet some of your friends in person?"

"No, not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to
gussy ourselves up. We don't need to take baths or wear perfume or use
mouthwash. That's the best thing about Facebook -- you can't smell
anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good
profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken,
I'm pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. "

"What pic are you using?"

"Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn't
find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty
salon."

"To make yourself look prettier?"

"No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm using."

"Didn't your friends notice that you look different?"

"Some of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga."

"When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?"

"I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a
message on my wall from my husband: 'I moved out of the house five
days ago. Just thought you should know.'"

"What did you do?"

"What else? I unfriended him of course!"

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HOUSE WARMING party

  Went to a HOUSE WARMING party of my new friend Jignesh Patel.
  On arrival, he greets me with his pretty wife & says,
  "LICK HER IN D FRONT & POKE HER AT D BACK."

  I am scandalized. His wife clarified,
  "Arrey bhai.... He Means, LIQUOR IS IN FRONT & POKER IS IN D

  BACK."

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Honeymoon

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a
honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if
there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been
married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

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He said/She said???

He said to me . . .
I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him ...
You wear pants don't you?
He said to me ...
Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said ...
That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the
sofa and fart

He said to me ...
What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him ...
Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me ...
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ...
They don't have time.

He said to me ...
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him ...
I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me ...
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
I said to him ...
They already have boyfriends.

He said ...
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said ...
A widow.

He said to me....
Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him ...
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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XX - Adult Puns!

Mary: "So you're happy with John, huh?"
Jill: "Absolutely! He's good to me, and he's so sexy. Before I met
him, I thought sex was just for making babies and keeping the landlord
happy."

The other day I was walking by this convention centre and I heard a
crude remark made towards me.
I told them to "suck my dick".
Little did I know it was the International Nymphomaniacs convention.
Six days later, the police found me in the gutter.
I had lost 30 pounds, and later at the hospital, it took 12 hours of
surgery to get the smile off my face.

A little boy with diarrhoea told his mom he needs Viagra.
The mom asked,
"Why on earth do you need that?"
The little boy replied,
"Isn't that what you give dad when his shit won't get hard"

A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for
paying a prostitute for sex.
"How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.
"Not Guilty, your honour."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds,
"How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have
both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged
prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I
wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another
'heinous' crime, gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor, "How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady
earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to
her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me
tonight'. That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"

Mike picked up an attractive woman, named Linda, who flagged down his
car in a seedy part of town.
As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living.
Linda winked at Mike and said,
"I'm a magician."
"No way," Mike scoffed. 'Prove it."
So, Linda touched him on the thigh, and "Poof" Mike turned into a hotel.

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent love-making session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was
doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded,
"I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied,
"And you must be what's passing through.

A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.
The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says,
"Come again?"
The blonde blushes slightly and giggles,
"Oh, no it's just mustard this time."

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XX Adult Puns!

Female officer to flasher:
"Right, Sir. Let's see if it will stand up in court."
Johnny walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks,
"Can your dog perform other tricks?"
"But of course," Johnny answers, "he can give a woman great pleasure."
Anxious to know more the girl leads Johnny and his dog into a little
room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies
down on the bed.
The dog looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!" shouts Johnny,
"OK, I'll show you how to do it one last time."

Why would your girlfriend get mad if you put your condom on backwards?
Because you'd rubber the wrong way.

The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good
sex life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to ya another way."

What do you call a blonde with her hands up her skirt?
Self employed.

A teenage girl walked into a bank with several glass jars filled with quarters.
After running them through the automated counting machine, the teller
announced, "That came out to $793.75. Tell me, young lady, how long
have you been hoarding all those quarters?"
"All year," replied the girl, "but my sister whored half of them."

You know you're leading a sad life when a nymphomaniac tells you,
"Let's just be friends."

A salesman was testifying in his divorce trial against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused
you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So
naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of heavy
love-making when the  old lady in the apartment next door pounded on
the wall and yelled,
'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

The pretty young secretary had been transferred to the, company's Dallas office.
"We operate the same here in Dallas as you did in Detroit," her boss told her.
"All right then," she answered. "Pull your pants down so I can get started.

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ACTUAL AD IN AN AMERICAN NEWS PAPER

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that
I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's
purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this
rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect
you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you
took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the
jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber
Model 1911 ...45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a
shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it
is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come
from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse
walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and
wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your
buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your
cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went
and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the
gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home
took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along
with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was
parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window
and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma
Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a
little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I
managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and
one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target
.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I
guess while he traced your number etc..).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I
feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for
your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some
of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you
have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the
career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you
might not be so lucky .Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

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WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that
women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She
recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban
regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you
now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so hard to
change?'

The woman replied "Land mines."

Read More...

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Lecture

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 AM and is asked where
he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, the problems it causes in a
marriage,  and other long term effects of drinking."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that kind of lecture at
this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

Read More...

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A little dirty

Once upon a time there were two brothers
One brother was very mischievous, always
getting into trouble. The other brother
however, was very good. He was always
kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors,
and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in
touch but were never close. The evil
brother became a heavy drinker and a
womanizer. The other brother was a
devoted husband and father and supported
many charities.
One day the evil brother died.
Then, after a few years, the good
brother passed away. He went to heaven
and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked,
"Where is my brother? He died before me
but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother
led an evil life, so he is not spending
eternity here in heaven. He has been sent
elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good
brother replied. "But I do miss him and
wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish," God said.
 "I will give you the power to gaze into
hell."
So the power was granted and the good
brother gazed into hell. Before long he
saw his brother sitting on a bench.
In one arm he held a keg of beer,
and in the other he cradled a gorgeous
young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said,
"I can't believe what I'm seeing.
I have found my brother, and he has a
keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful
woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot
be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as
they seem. The keg has a hole in it.
The blonde doesn't."

Read More...

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Grandma

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to
communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
"Bastards won't let me fart."

Read More...

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One of the best Police reports I have read.

" Orville Smith, a store manager for BEST BUY in Augusta, Georgia,
told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone
Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer
under his jacket.  When confronted the man became irate, knocked down
an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.

Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the Toys
for Tots program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he
stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the
injury did not appear to be severe.

After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was
transported for treatment.

The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken
arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible
broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose
and a broken jaw..injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off
the curb after stabbing the Marine."

Now, that's a well written Police report.

Read More...

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Evolution of Mum

Your Clothes
1st baby:
You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms
your pregnancy.

2nd baby:
You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby:
Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
1st baby:
You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favourites.

2nd baby:
Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right?
It might as well be you.

3rd baby:
You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby:
You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby:
You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby:
You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
1st baby:
You pre-wash your newborn's clothes,
Colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby:
You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the
ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby:
Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
1st baby:
At the first sign of distress -- a  whimper, a frown --
You pick up the baby.

2nd baby:
You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby:
You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
1st baby:
You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics,
Baby Swing,
&
Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby:
You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby:
You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby:
The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
You call home 5 times.

2nd baby:
Just before you walk out the door,
You remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby:
You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby:
You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby:
You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby:
You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Read More...

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Hilarious Quotes ...

1.
If time doesn't wait for you,
Don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock
&
Enjoy life!

2.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person
Is like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Think about it!

3.
Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and
What clothes we wear,
But what we are inside ..
So, try going out naked tomorrow
&
See the admiration!

4.
 Don't walk as if you rule the world,
Walk as if you don't care
Who rules the world!

That's called Attitude…!
Keep on rocking!

5.
Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
&
Is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

6.
He was a good man.
He never smoked,
Drank had no affair.
When he died,
The insurance company
Refused the claim.

They said,
He who never lived,
Cannot die!

7.
A man threw his wife in a pond of crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists
For being cruel to the crocodiles!

8.
So many options for suicide:
Poison,
Sleeping pills,
Hanging,
Jumping from a building,
Lying on train tracks,
But we chose Marriage,
Slow sure!

9.
Only 20 percent boys have brains,
Rest have girlfriends!

10.
All desirable things in life are either:
Illegal,
Banned,
Expensive
Or
Married
To someone else!

11.
Laziness is our biggest enemy-
Jawaharlal Nehru

We should learn to love our enemies-
Mahatma Gandhi

12.
10% of road accidents are Due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to
driving without drinking!

Read More...

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XX - Adult Puns!

A blonde went fishing with a group of men, and came back with a red snapper!

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar,
when one said to the other:
"If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here
find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't
noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

The secretary walks into her boss's office and says,
"Sir, may I use your Dictaphone?"
Her boss says,
"No. You use your finger just like everybody else."

"My teacher is really giving me a tough time," Little Johnny was
telling his father. "Handle it this way, Johnny," his father advised.
"Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay
attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly."
"I really don't think that'll help, Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed
at me during study break that she's three weeks overdue."

Love is complicated machinery.
But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.

A man says to his blonde wife,
"Guess what I heard at our favourite pub today? They were saying the
milkman is having sex with every woman in our apartment building
except one, but they are not sure who that one is."
And right a way she jumps up and says,
"I know who it is, it's that stuck-up bitch Phyllis, in apartment 12."

My ex-girlfriend left a box of tampons at my house.
I keep a couple of them with me at all times.
In case someone starts playing classical music, I'll jam them in my ears.
I hate music from that period!

A guy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses.
He checks them out, but isn't fully convinced they are worth $50.
The salesman assures him that they work and that $50 is a great price.
The blonde decides to buy them.
On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo, he sees
everyone in the street naked!
He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on.
Puts the glasses back on...
Everyone is naked!
'Cool!'
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife
but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and
some guy, naked in bed.
He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked.
He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
He throws down the glasses in disgust and says,
'Damn, I just paid fifty-bucks for these, and they're already broken!'

One blonde's leg said to the other,
"Between you and me, we could make a lot of money."

Read More...

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XX - Adult Puns!

The difference between a boxer and a woman is:
A boxer stands up to get knocked down and
A woman lies down to get knocked up.

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a
husband for her.
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure
you are compatible in bed.
He wants...
"A sample."
The woman was shocked.
"Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would
suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.
What kind of a woman does he think I am?"
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said,
"He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods.
By him, it's not a big deal... Just a sample."
She thought a minute.
"He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I
can give him 50 or 60 references."

I have been on a new diet which consists of a lot of chicken, turkey
and Cornish game hens.
I'm losing weight, but it sure leaves a fowl taste in my mouth.

"Say," said the smooth operator in a confidential tone to the host of
the party, "there's a lot of hot babes at this party. If I find one
that's ready to grab a quick one, would you mind if I used your extra
bedroom?"
"What about your wife?"
"Oh, I won't be gone that long. She'll never miss me."
"No, I'm sure she won't miss you," smirked the host, "but fifteen
minutes ago. She borrowed the extra bedroom."

Ellen DeGeneres drowned.
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

A redneck left his drinking buddy at the bar and headed home early,
explaining he had to get up early the next day.
The buddy was surprised to see the redneck come back in just  fifteen
minutes, order another drink and sit down next to him.
"What's up?" the buddy asked. "When I got home early I found my wife
in bed with another guy," the redneck explained.
"Aren't you furious?" the friend asked.
"No, there's no problem. She promised she'd change the sheets afterwards."

He said,
"Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you
really badly."
She said,
"Well, you succeeded."

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor
spotted her.
The supervisor couldn't believe it:
The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her
overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open
front of her uniform! "Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading
around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your
breast exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns! They never put anything back when they're
through using it!"

I hear that in the Middle East all a man has to do to divorce his wife
is to say,
"I divorce you" three times.
Heck, in the U. S. it's easier.
All a man has to say is,
"Yes, that dress does make your butt look big" once.

After dinner, Jill settled on the couch next to John and started
removing his clothes. Wordlessly, she made it clear that they were
going to make love.
Afterward, John said,
"That was very nice, but why didn't you just say something?"
Jill purred,
"At dinner you said you'd like a little piece and quiet around here sometimes."

Death a lot like sex.
It feels funny for a second, but then it's over.

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An Adult LETTER TO THE DOCTOR.

Dear Doctor,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile.
My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and
having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that
contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method."
Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I
ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period.
At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three
weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty.
Needless to say, this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love
while breast-feeding we would be al right.
It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin,
silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was, if my wife jumped up and down after sex
this would prevent pregnancy.
After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she
would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself
unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom.
He demonstrated how easy it was to use.
So, I bought a packet.
My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to
see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful
attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread
and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next.
We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all.
But alas... It did give my wife a severe headache.
We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally, we tried the pill.
At first it kept falling out, then we realized we were doing it wrong.
My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me
from getting anywhere near her.
This did work for a while until the night she forgot it.... Another
child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I
shall have to revert to oral sex.
Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the
same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Ray Jackson.

Read More...

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The Future

 David Cameron goes to a science exhibition and is shown a time
machine which can see 100 years into the future.

The man in charge invites him to ask any question he likes.

Cameron asks "What will Australia be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives a
printout,which the man reads:
 "The country is in good hands under the new Prime Minister, crime is
non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are
no worries."

 He has another go "What will China be like in 100 years time?"

Another print out:"The country will be the world's leading economy and
everyonethere will enjoy the highest standard of living in the world"

 Cameron then asks "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action. The man gets a
print -out but he just stares at it.

"Come on", says Cameron"What does it say?"

The man replies, "Buggered if I know ! It's all in Arabic!"

Read More...

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XX - Adult Puns!

At the mah jongg game, a matron was bragging to her club members.
"That old goat of a husband of mine can't spend a dime without my
consent. My lawyer drew up an agreement that will hold up 100% in any
court. And when he dies, I get every cent under his last will and
testicles."
"You must mean testament," said one of the ladies.
"When I say testicles, I mean testicles," laughed the woman. "Even
after he's buried, I'll still have him by the balls!"
His wife asked him,

"How many women have you slept with?"
He proudly replied,
"Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM.

Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests.
The first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to
go back to his house and have sex.
Once in the house, the girl stripped off her clothes, lay down on the
bed with legs apart and panted,
"I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that
well-hung, asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do - I laid her twice and smacked her in
the face!"

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.
Two divers can't go down alone,
So, they have to go down on each other.

One morning a little girl ran inside and said Daddy,
"Daddy my sister and the man you hired last week are up on the hay
loft in the barn on all that new hay we just bought. She has her dress
up and he has his pants down. I think they are about to piss all over
that new hay!

Men are like bank accounts.
Once they withdraw they lose interest.

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the lecture
topic and on to his favourite subject; the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors about marijuana.
"Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility,
cancer and castration!" "Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a
student. "Castration?!"
"You bet son," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your
girlfriend uses marijuana, you're having sex, and she gets the
munches?"

The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed within eye-
sight of the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks.
The guide noted,
"We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America."
From the back of the bus, a question rang out,
"Why?"

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DIFFERENT ANSWERS GIVEN BY SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN

Why did God make mothers?
1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3.-Mostly to clean the house.
4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me.
    He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We're related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
   In the world and one dab of mean.
2.-They had to get their start from men's bones.
Then they mostly use string.
I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.- I don't know because I wasn't there,
But my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.- They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?
1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.- His last name.
2.- She had to know his background.
Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer?
Does he make at least $800 a year?
Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.
And my mom eats a lot.
2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss,
But she has to because dads such a goofball.
2.- Mom, you can tell by room inspection.
She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.- I guess Mom is,
But only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.- Dads are taller and stronger,
But moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if
you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.- Mothers don't do spare time.
2.- To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1.- About 30 years.
2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy.
Sometimes, Moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest mom?
1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!

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Its a classic!

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said,

'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.

She asked:

'What does that mean?'

He said,

Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.

She said,

'Oh that's so lovely.

And what about I, J, K?'

He said,  I'm Just Kidding...

The husband is still recovering…

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Me and Dad..

A young Arab asks his father,

"What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said,

"Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads
from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' .. because in the desert it is very hot and it
protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning
our feet in the desert."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why the f**k are you living in Bradford , England and still wearing
all this shit?"

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Differences Between Men and Women

Men have flu,
Women have colds.

Men drive to a party,
Women drive back.

Heterosexual women are not frightened by lesbians,
Whereas
Heterosexual men are terrified of homosexuals --
Once they are pointed out to them, by women.

Even though we can now explain differences between men and women's
social conducts genetically several facts remain puzzling and
distinguished professors in the field think answer may be a few
centuries away
Yet...for instance, can you explain why:

Men are biologically incapable of letting a women light a barbecue.

Women do not replace tops on jars and tubes.
Men put them on so tightly that they cannot be removed at all.

Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time:
(e.g. Drink a cup of coffee.)
In the same time a multitasking women can
Make breakfast,
Make the children's sandwiches,
Organize the window cleaner,
Phone the office,
Dress the children,
Write shopping list, iron a shirt
&
DE-flea the cat.
Women have not yet realized this is an evolutionary disadvantage.

Men warm their posteriors at the fire,
Women do not.
Women's posteriors enable them to sit comfortably on the floor,
men's do not.

A man who regularly visits his mother is a mommy's boy.
A women who does the same is a good daughter.

A man who has no difficulty in undressing
An adult women will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small
child into a nightgown.

A woman believes that visitors will be impressed by a clean house.
A man believes that the visitors will be impressed with his large
stereo system.

Exactly the same haircut will cost $30 more for a woman than it will for a man.

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The Newsboy

An 11 year-old newspaper vendor of Cape Town, in South Africa, sold
the most newspapers over 12 month period and was rewarded as a first
prize a one week stay in a London hotel.
The second day in the hotel the lad was so bored that just about
everyone noticed it.
Some one telephoned the Daily Mirror. The Mirror reporter interviewed
the lad and published a photo and a story about the lad being bored to
death with his first prize.
The manager of the Mirror decided to change all that by offering the
lad a job to sell the Mirror.
The lad gladly accepted. After his first day he came back without
selling a single newspaper.
The Mirror's manager wanted to know how this was possible. How could
the lad have sold the most newspapers in Cape Town, yet he could not
sell a single paper in London.
The lad explained that he did not have the answer either. He was
shouting the paper's name, like he was used to do in Cape Town:
"Mirror,Mirror!" Daily Mirror!", but no one bought a paper.
The manager then explained that things are done a bit different in
London.In London the newspaper vendors pick themselves a story on the
front page and then shout the headline. That is how it is done in
London.
The next day the lad was selling newspapers at a horrific rate,
outselling all other vendors. The manager and the editor decided to go
and have alook.
On a street corner they found the lad shouting: "Prince Charles
castrated,Prince Charles castrated!" And people were buying papers
like crazy.
Both the manager and the editor realized that the Mirror was heading
for big trouble, so they jumped out of their car, grabbed the boy and
pulled him into the car. Both wanted to know
how on earth the lad could shout such things on street corners.
The lad explained: "Well, you said I must pick a story on the front
page and shout its headlines."
"Yes," said the manager, "but where the hell do you see such a story
on today's front page?"
The lad replied: "Look, here it is, it says: 'Royal Ball Off'!"

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Pregnant prostitute

Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute..

"Do you know who the father is?"

"For goodness sakes, if you ate a tin of beans

would you know which one made you fart?"

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This Is YOUR LIfe

A young Chinese couple, both of whom are waiters, get married. She's a
virgin & truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her
husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss
anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to
sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for
her request.

She shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about
from other girls ... Nummaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

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SEVEN degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said,
'Who was that?'
The wife answered,
'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says,
'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,
'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly
&
When she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells,
'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies,
'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. It's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed
the Delaware ...'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
Ransacked and burglarised.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
And a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
moaned,
'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for
help, and what do
They do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

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XX - Adult Puns!

Everyone wants to work at the impotency clinic because it's a soft job.

An eight-year-old boy asked his father what is the difference with an
old-time woman's panty and a now-a- days panty.
His father told him that from his experience the only suitable answer
he could give him was that:
You had to move the panty to see the ass a long time ago,
But now you have to move the ass to see the panty!

Bungee jumping and hookers both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber
breaks, you're screwed.

A man went to the tattoo parlor and had the words "yes" and "no"
tattooed on his penis. When he got home that night, he approached his
wife in their bedroom.
He stripped off his pants and shorts, revealing his aroused organ and
its new tattoo. "What do you think, honey?" he asked his wife.
Deliberately she said,
"You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to clean the house, you tell
me how to do the laundry, and now you're going to put words in my
mouth?"

Headquarters:
The room where enlisted women blow the officers.

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says,
"Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we're privates," protests Jasper.
"We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we's privates," says Jasper.
"You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now."
So, they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.
"Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad
case of gonorrhoea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers,
"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhoea means. If
it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So, Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible
case of gonorrhoea. "Jasper," he says, "Why'd you give me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates."
He points to his stripes.
"But we're sergeants now."

Nothing can burst your parental bubble faster than hearing your
daughter come home from a date and saying,
"Some nights I don't know why I even bother to wear panties."

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl.
They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time.
She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure she was
shaking and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had.
He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.
A nurse asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied,
"Err, I think her orgasm is stuck!"

A man who dies from a Viagra overdose is a dead stiff.

The loneliness of a middle-aged man and woman - both divorcees,
eventually blossomed into love and finally marriage, but the wedding
night turned into a real disaster.
"You just do not fulfil me sexual expectations," the bride commented
the following morning.
"You're right about that." replied the new husband. "But when I
promised to fill the void in your life, I simply had no idea that it
would be so blooming large!"

"Are you and Larry serious?" one girl asked her friend while talking
over cocktails. "We're still a little short of a meeting of the
minds," she replied.
"I want a big, old-fashioned June wedding, and he wants a quickie in
the back seat."

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Answers to Questions on Science Tests By 5th and 6th graders in the USA.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones.
The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then
forcing it through an aviator.

The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.

It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.

Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun,
But I never have been able to make out the numbers.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

When planets run around and around in circles,
We say they are orbiting.
When people do it,
We say they are crazy.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the victim is dead.

Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun
Because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

To keep milk from turning sour,
Keep it in the cow.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.

Water vapour gets together in a big cloud.
When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the centre of the Earth
because so many people are stomping around there these days.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit.
If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

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Top Ten April Fool's Day Hoaxes

#1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
1957:
The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very
mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti
weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop.
It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants
pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees.
Huge numbers of viewers were taken in.
Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own
spaghetti tree.
To this the BBC diplomatically replied, "place a sprig of spaghetti in
a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."

#2: Sidd Finch
1985:
Sports Illustrated published a story about a new rookie pitcher who
planned to play for the Mets.
His name was Sidd Finch, and he could reportedly throw a baseball at
168 mph with pinpoint accuracy.
This was 65 mph faster than the previous record.
Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never even played the game before.
Instead, he had mastered the "art of the pitch" in a Tibetan monastery
under the guidance of the "great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa."
Mets fans celebrated their teams' amazing luck at having found such a
gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for
more information.
In reality this legendary player only existed in the imagination of
the author of the article, George Plimpton.

#3: Instant Color TV
1962:
In 1962 there was only one TV channel in Sweden, and it broadcast in
black and white.
The station's technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news
to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert
their existing sets to display colour reception.
All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their TV screen.
Stensson proceeded to demonstrate the process.
Thousands of people were taken in. Regular color broadcasts only
commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970.

#4: 1996:
The Taco Bell Corporation announced it had bought the Liberty Bell and
was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell.
Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in
Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger.
Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours
later, that it was all a practical joke.
The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike
McCurry was asked about the sale.
Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also
been sold. It would now be known, he said, as the Ford Lincoln Mercury
Memorial.
#5: San Serriffe
1977:
The British newspaper The Guardian published a special seven-page
supplement devoted to San Serriffe, a small republic said to consist
of several semi-colon-shaped islands located in the Indian Ocean.
A series of articles affectionately described the geography and
culture of this obscure nation.
Its two main islands were named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse.
Its capital was Bodoni, and its leader was General Pica.
The Guardian's phones rang all day as readers sought more information
about the idyllic holiday spot.
Only a few noticed that everything about the island was named after
printer's terminology.
The success of this hoax is widely credited with launching the
enthusiasm for April Foolery that gripped the British tabloids in
subsequent decades.

#6: Nixon for President
1992:
National Public Radio's Talk of the Nation program announced that
Richard Nixon, in a surprise move, was running for President again.
His new campaign slogan was, "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't
do it again."
Accompanying this announcement were audio clips of Nixon delivering
his candidacy speech.
Listeners responded viscerally to the announcement, flooding the show
with calls expressing shock and outrage.
Only during the second half of the show did the host John Hockenberry
reveal that the announcement was a practical joke.
Nixon's voice was impersonated by comedian Rich Little.

#7: Alabama Changes the Value of Pi
1998:
The April 1998 issue of the New Mexicans for Science and Reason
newsletter contained an article claiming that the Alabama state
legislature had voted to change the value of the mathematical constant
pi from 3.14159 to the 'Biblical value' of 3.0.
Soon the article made its way onto the Internet, and then it rapidly
spread around the world, forwarded by email.
It only became apparent how far the article had spread when the
Alabama legislature began receiving hundreds of calls from people
protesting the legislation.
The original article, which was intended as a parody of legislative
attempts to circumscribe the teaching of evolution, was written by
physicist Mark Boslough.

#8: The Left-Handed Whopper
1998:
Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today
announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a
"Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million
left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper
included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce,
tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated
180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers.
The following day, Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing
that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of
customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich.
Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested
their own 'right handed' version."

#9: Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers
1995:
Discover Magazine reported that the highly respected wildlife
biologist Dr. Aprile Pazzo had found a new species in Antarctica: the
hotheaded naked ice borer.
These fascinating creatures had bony plates on their heads that, fed
by numerous blood vessels, could become burning hot, allowing the
animals to bore through ice at high speeds.
They used this ability to hunt penguins, melting the ice beneath the
penguins and causing them to sink downwards into the resulting slush
where the hotheads consumed them.
After much research, Dr. Pazzo theorized that the hotheads might have
been responsible for the mysterious disappearance of noted Antarctic
explorer Philippe Poisson in 1837.
"To the ice borers, he would have looked like a penguin," the article
quoted her as saying.
Discover received more mail in response to this article than they had
received for any other article in their history.

#10: Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity
1976:
The British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at
9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur
that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet
Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational
alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth's own gravity.
Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact
moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a
strange floating sensation.
When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls
from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation.
One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from
their chairs and floated around the room.

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