XXX - Adult Puns!

There was a sale on bras.
I misunderstood when my wife said the bras at the mall were all 75% off.
I was ready to go!
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.
According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six
midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance
the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the
going rate for rent.
Since we have only one "little person" living here, it turns out that
he won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy
covers everything.
We call it a "Stay Free Mini Pad!!!"

The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the red neck patient.
"Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no
relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the young patient
replied,
"Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbours?"

My neighbour died in his locked garage last night.
When I asked the cop what did him in, he said "ass fixation."
Holy cow, I better start deleting my porn right now!

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their
dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model.
The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbour
and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to
return.
One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall
between the two apartments.
There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine.
Finally, she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.
When the model answered, the wife fumed,
"I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get
something over here."
"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't
helping none either."

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.
One said,
"I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy.
"What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount
her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts
in your hands and whisper in her ear, ' Boy, these feel just like your
sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

Virgin:
A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.

A little girl answered the knock on the door of the farmhouse.
The caller, a rather troubled-looking, middle-aged man, asked to see her father.
"If you've come about the bull," she said, "he's fifty dollars. We
have the papers and everything and he's guaranteed."
"Young lady," the man said, "I want to see your father."
"If that's too much," the little girl replied, "we got another bull
for twenty-five dollars, and he's guaranteed, too, but he doesn't have
any papers."
"Young lady" the man repeated, "I want to see your father!"
"If that's too much," said the little girl, "we got another bull for
only ten dollars, but he's not guaranteed."
"I'm not here for a bull," said the man angrily. "I want to talk about
your brother, Elmer. He's gotten my daughter in trouble!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the little girl. "You'll have to see Pa about
that, 'cause I don't know what he charges for Elmer."

The new college physician was bewildered by the procession of unhappy
young women regularly visiting his campus clinic for pregnancy tests.
"There seems to be something in the air this time of year that causes
young girls to get pregnant," he commented to an colleague.
"What is it, I wonder?"
"Their legs," replied his friend

Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house.
"Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"
Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks,
"What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No silly, it's salty!"

A drunk guy is sitting in a bar.
There is a very buxom lady a few seats down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra.
A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of
her breasts.
This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts.
She decks him! He's laying on the floor and moans,
"Why do you let the bartender do it?"
"Because he has a liquor license! You don't!"

The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location.
A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a safe without knowing the
combination.
In Georgia it's an AIDS-free white girl on the pill.