XX Adult Puns!

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D. A. What the
defendant said before the alleged assault.
Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write
out the answer. After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury
foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him.
He took the note from her and read,
"I'm going to have sex with you like you've had it never before."
The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.
"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic.
It reads:
"We may never piss this way again."

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers:
"Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says:
"An Italian girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey,
how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you. And, what happened to my
present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for
nine months to see if it is a girl!"

The height of conceit is having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

I got tired of Mom telling me how to live my life, so I decided to get revenge.
During her monthly ladies club meeting, I took off my clothes, stuck a
carrot up my ass and walked into the living room.
She stopped, looked concerned, then said,
"Fanny, I don't think you're eating right."

I'd call you a sadistic sodomitic necrophiliac,
But that would be beating a dead horse.

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and I was a bit lonely,
So, I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone books.
I decided to phone one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over
in the photo -- beautiful.
So, I picked up the card and I dialled the number.
"Can I help you?" the woman says.
"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room and
give me a massage. No, wait, I want sex. I want it hard, fast and now!
I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring
implements, bring toys, do the lot, all night, tie me up, cover me in
anything. Now how does that sound?"
She says,
"That sounds fantastic. But for an outside line you need to press 9 first."

The waitress at the Greek beanery married the boss, and they seemed quite happy.
But one day she sued him for divorce.
Her charge:
He was indifferent.

At the mah jongg game, a matron was bragging to her club members.
"That old goat of a husband of mine can't spend a dime without my
consent. My lawyer drew up an agreement that will hold up 100% in any
court. And when he dies, I get every cent under his last will and
testicles."
"You must mean testament," said one of the ladies.
"When I say testicles, I mean testicles," laughed the woman. "Even
after he's buried, I'll still have him by the balls!"

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night on the last question.
It was:
"Where do most women have curly hair?"
The correct answer is Africa.
I've been asked to find another place to worship."

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking, he
looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying
pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked me to do last
night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself,
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."