Puns of the Day...

Two bees ran into each other.
One asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet
and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any
honey..."
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn
left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah
going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first
bee asked,
"How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to
think I was a wasp."

I used to be a heavy gambler.
But now I just make mental bets.
That's how I lost my mind.

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and
the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database.
One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs.
Suspecting that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. Smith that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:
"Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

The Los Angeles Airport Commission has finally released the plans for
the expansion of Los Angeles International Airport which when built
will be able to accommodate twice the number of international flights
that now come into LAX.
The plans have passed all necessary environmental impact studies and
construction appears to depend on obtaining adequate funding.
A $1,200,000,000 Airport Bond measure will have to be passed by Los
Angeles County voters for construction to occur.
The original plans were to call the enlarged airport,
"Charlton Heston International Airport" because of the high caliber of
the famed resident, and his close relationship to John Wayne whose
name is attached to the airport 50 miles to the south.
However, many Los Angeles residents oppose this name because they feel
it might be an open invitation to bring firearms to the new airport.
The Los Angeles TIMES, a supporter of the new airport expansion has
been conducting a poll of its readers for an appropriate name for the
new facility.
By far, the most popular name of all those suggested, leading by a
three to one margin at present, has been to call the new airport LAX
and change the current airport to EX-LAX.
A lady bought a stamp at the post office and asked the clerk,
"Shall I stick it on myself?"
The clerk replied, "It'll get there faster if you stick it on the envelope.

I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a driver's manual.
On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove.
I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time
to get her driver's permit.
"Oh," she said, "I already know everything in the book."
"You do?" I returned.
"Yep", she said, very smugly.
I thought,
"OK, we'll just see about that. I'll give her a hard one."
So, I asked her,
"How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60
miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?"
"One," she replied.
"What?" I asked. "One?!"
She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my
face, she added, "Only one, Mom. You always told me never to use my
left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."

The things my wife buys at auction is keeping me baroque.
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package
and a large bird cage.
She was gone several days but finally she returned.
Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.
Liz spoke to Sally about her apparent unhappiness:
Liz: "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you
got back okay... But you look so sad. Why??"
Sally: "Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz: "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally: "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods 'cause
I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find
it."
Liz: "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally: "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead
mice and a bird cage."
Liz: "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."
Sally: "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair
of hooters
."