XX - Adult Puns!

To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, the young man went
up to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and
managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade."
This young man was determined not to miss this date.
So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man
treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the
living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again.
He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a
tall, cool, glass of milk.
He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced an
immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the
kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in the glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed,
"So that's how you guys re-load those things!"

A mother can get pregnant while nursing,
But it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts
him to sleep first.

A man went to the tattoo parlour and had the words "yes" and "no"
tattooed on his penis. When he got home that night, he approached his
wife in their bedroom.
He stripped off his pants and shorts, revealing his aroused organ and
its new tattoo. "What do you think, honey?" he asked his wife.
Deliberately, she said,
"You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to clean the house, you tell
me how to do the laundry, and now you're going to put words in my
mouth?"

When I was born, I was given a choice -- a big dick or a good memory.
I don't remember which one I chose.

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench
having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the
park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and
opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then, Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Attorney: "Are you sexually active?"
Witness: "No, I just lie there."

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge.
So, he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was
waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked,
'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied,
'That's pewter and it costs $300..'
'My goodness, that sure is a lot' Mary exclaimed.
Then, she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to
buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it...
From the back room Walt yelled,
'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied,
'No, but I will for the faucet.'
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot. . .

Last night I was in a rare tender mood.
I made love to my wife and afterward held her close.
"I love you terribly," I whispered.
"You certainly do," was her reply.

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for quite a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject
of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about Sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently" she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then
leaned over towards her and whispered:
"Is that one word or two?"

If she says she's into "bondage,"
Don't show her your financial portfolio.

Two fellas were sitting in a bar.
One was complaining about his live-in girlfriend.
"I'm telling ya, Sam, I've about had it with Sally. She keeps bringing
her work home, night after night! I'm seriously considering just
moving out of her place and ending the relationship."
"Well," replied his buddy, "I can see how that could indeed be
annoying. But having a girl who's interested in her career is hardly
reason enough to break up. She just wants to get more money to prepare
for marriage!"
"Even if the girl's a hooker?" the first man asked.

Muster some sympathy for the dilemma of the out-of-work stripper:
All undressed and no place to show.