Paraprosdokian sentences

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes
the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.
It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Ø   I asked God for a bike,
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So, I stole a bike
And
Asked for forgiveness.

Ø    Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep,
Like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Ø    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
Standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on the list.

Ø    Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø    If I agreed with you,
We'd both be wrong.

Ø    We never really grow up;
We only learn how to act in public.

Ø    War does not determine who is right --
Only who is left.

Ø    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø    The early bird might get the worm,
But the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,'
And
Then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a  train stops.
My desk is a work station.

Ø    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
But it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø    Some people are like Slinkies ....
Not really good for anything,
But you can't help smiling when you push one  down the stairs.

Ø    Dolphins are so smart,
That within a few weeks of captivity they can train people
To stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø   I  thought I wanted a career;
 Turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

Ø    A bank is a place that will lend you money
If you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø    Whenever I fill out an application,
In the part that says.
"In case of an emergency, notify - - -",
I put "DOCTOR."

Ø    I didn't say it was your fault,
I said I was blaming you.

Ø    I saw a chesty woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...
So, I said "Implants?"

Ø    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
But check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø    Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And
A beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Ø    Why do Americans choose from just two people
To run for President
And
Fifty for Miss America?

Ø    Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø    A clear conscience is usually
The sign of a bad memory.

Ø    You do not need a parachute to sky dive.
You only need a parachute to sky dive,,,, twice.

Ø    The voices in my head may not be real,
But they have some good ideas!

Ø    Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He won't expect it back.

Ø    A diplomat is someone who can tell
You to go to hell in such a way that
You will look forward to the trip.

Ø    Hospitality:
Making your guests feel like they're at home,
Even if you wish they were.

Ø    Money can't buy happiness,
But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø    I discovered I scream the same way
Whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark
Or
If a piece of seaweed touches my  foot.

Ø    Some cause happiness
Wherever they go.
Others,
Whenever they go.

Ø    There's a fine line between cuddling
And
Holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø    I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.

Ø    I always take life with a grain of salt...
Plus a slice of lemon...
And
A shot of tequila.

Ø    When tempted to fight fire with fire,
Remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø    You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø    To be sure of hitting the target,
Shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when
You are after it as opposed to when you are in it.

Ø    If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes,
Why do some people have more than one child?

Ø    Change is inevitable,
Except from a vending machine.

   Ø    When something works just fine,,
DON'T fix it !!!

   Ø    Insanity is contagious,
You get it from your children.

   Ø    Hire a teenager,,
While they still know everything.