Puns of the Day...

Bringing a baby into the world is labour of love.

Once, I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.
There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, urologists,
gynaecologists, proctologists.
Any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole.
They make an entire career out of that hole.
And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, urologist,
gynaecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a
surgeon.
Why?
So, he can make a new hole!

I thought I might become a psychic televangelist but I couldn't find
anyone willing to fundamentalist preacher.
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man.
But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him, his height.
Or, should I say... His very obvious lack of it.
One day, he stormed through the front door and announced angrily,
"Someone just picked my pocket!"
Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who
just had to blurt out. . .
"How could anyone stoop so low?"

When the archaeologist found a huge wall sculpture,
It was quite a relief.

I was all excited when my doctor gave me a prescription for the
medical marijuana that sells under the name brand, "Reeferal."
Then, I found out he was a poor speller and was just sending me to
another doctor.

They tore strips off my dog before kicking him off that logging ship.
He was disembarked.

I recall hearing about a baseball game where a superstar pitcher was
on his way to a strikeout record.
Strangely, he would disappear into the dugout whenever his team was at
bat and return with a newly laundered uniform.
One of his teammates following him into the dugout and found that he
was washing and pressing his uniforms.
When asked what that was all about, the pitcher replied,
"Well, you have to iron when the strike is hot!"

My Uncle Joe is so stupid he put beer in his water bed so he'd have a
foam mattress!

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
'Yes..'
So, I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's why I was admitted to the trauma I.C.U.

Geologists aren't perfect, they have their faults.

I heard my wife mention one morning while getting ready for Church,
"I sure need some new stockings."
When she went into the bakery on the way home that afternoon, I spied
a clothing store next door.
So, I thought I would surprise her and went in to buy her some new stockings...
"Can I help you," the sales lady asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I would like to get some stockings for me wife please."
"Sheer?" she asked.
"No, she ain't here," I replied. "She's next door at the bakery."

A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge
nuggets on the counter.
"Well, don't just stand there, assay something!"

Few people know that George Washington was actually a Texan.
As a young boy, he used his bowie knife and chopped down his father's
favourite mesquite tree.
His father returned from a hard day of riding the range and demanded
to know who had cut down his prized tree.
"Father," said young George, "I cannot tell a lie. I chopped it down."
"That settles it," said his father, "we're moving to Virginia. With an
attitude like that, you'll never make it in Texas politics."

Jimmy Swaggert, Jim Bakker and Jesse Jackson are collaborating on a new book.
It's to be titled:
"Ministers Do More Than Laypeople"

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations
that customs officials must follow.
But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler.
The judge asked the court,
"Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed,
"I am the alligator, Your
Honour."