XX Adult Puns!

The bar was getting ready to close.
So, he asked the nearest woman:
'What would you say to a little "oral" activity?'
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
So, she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned to a grin.
So, she moved again.
The man seemed even more amused.
When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
"Well your Honour, it was like this... When the lady got on the bus, I
couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that
said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned. Then she
moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Slogan's Liniment will reduce
the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could
hardly contain myself. But your Honour, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented
this Accident,' I just lost it."

My girlfriend was in labour with our first child.
She was shouting,
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs."
She looked at me and said,
"You did this to me you bastard!"
I casually replied,
"If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but
you said, "It'll be too painful."

A blonde's idea of safe sex is locking the car door.

A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist,
"I was out of town on business," he told the doctor, " and I wired my
wife that I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead of Wednesday.
When I got home I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I
got there I found her in bed with my best friend."
The man then broke down into uncontrollable tears.
The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments, then
shrugged and said, "Maybe she never got the telegram."

The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store
information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery.
He was directed to the notions department on the third floor,
But in the crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the
fourth floor by mistake.
Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator
doors, he said, "Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?"
"Sure," she replied mischievously, "but during the work week I try to
suppress them until after five o'clock."
"No, no, you don't understand," he stammered. "I mean to say, do you
keep stationery?" "No, I like to go with the flow right till the end,"
replied the floor manager, laughing. "And then I just start quivering
all over."

Doug and Bill were discussing the new secretary at their office.
Doug said,
"Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot
better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later, Bill said to Doug,
"Well, I dated her, too, and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a
lot better than your wife."

The sculptor and one of his students went out for coffee after class.
"You have the most delicate, slender hands," said the student, a cute redhead.
"Forgive me for saying so, but they belong on a woman."
Not only did he forgive her, he obliged.

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which
he had been in many battles and won many decorations.
He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and
son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him
and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple
heart on!"
To which the mother replied,
"I don't give a damn what colour it is! Let him in, and you go play at
the Joneses' for a couple hours."