XX - Adult Puns!

The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure
you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample."
The woman was shocked.
"Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person
would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a
gentleman."
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said,
"He's a pragmatic man. After all, to him it's not a big deal... Just a sample."
She thought a minute.
"A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don't give samples. I can give
him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.

A good ol' boy walked over to a good looking girl in a bar and said,
"Howdy! How'd y'all like to come on over to my house and we can have a
real good time?" "I'm not too sure," she replied, "where exactly are
you from?"
"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys
will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."
He interrupts in a very indignant tone,
"CHICKENS?"

I'd love to recruit a bunch of porn stars to join me in a charity
event for world unity, because nothing would satisfy me more than all
of us coming together.

While I was in law school,
I did some legal work for my boyfriend.
He was broke,
So, he paid me in sex.
Now, I'm having trouble finding a job and I don't understand why.
Don't law firms usually prefer that you have experience working pro-boner?

The man who can read a woman like a book usually likes to read in bed.

The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat on the other side
of his desk.
"I was right, Mrs. Green," he announced. "You are definitely pregnant again."
"This will be the fifteenth child, doc," said Mrs. Green grimly.
"You'll have to help me. Enough is enough. I want one of those hearing aids!"
"A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor.
"Surely you mean a contraceptive device."
"No, I mean a hearing aid, doctor. You see it's like this. Every
Saturday night my husband comes in drunk. When he gets into bed he
says, "Now then, are we going to sleep, or what?' And every blasted
time I ask, 'What?'"

A local diner promotes safe sex.
They write the bill on a condom.
In that way you can wine and dine your date, and stick her with the bill.

A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and asked,
"What are you doing wearing a football jersey?"
The girl replied,
"Why, I bought it and own it. Why shouldn't I wear it?"
He said,
"You're not supposed to wear it to class unless you've made the team."
"Oh," she replied sweetly. "Who did I miss?"

An erection is like the Theory of Relativity -
The more you think about it, the harder it gets

There was a couple who were big over-spenders.
They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to
save any money to do so.
One day, they came with an idea -- each time they have sex, they will
put $20.00 bill into piggy bank.
They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.
After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their
dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.
The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each
time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00
and a few $100.00 bills."
The wife replied:
"Do you think that everybody is as cheap as you are?"

I'm awfully sorry, miss," said the store clerk, "but this fifty dollar
bill is counterfeit."
"Damn it," she exclaimed, "I've been seduced!"

The sweet young thing was telling the Evangelist that she had been
sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping
with the neighbour.
"It's your duty to forgive him, my child," intoned the minister as he
patted her hand.
She fell into his arms gently sobbing.
"But," he added, as his grip tightened, "How'd ya like to get even
with the S.O.B. First?"