XXX - Adult Puns!

These are really good but some are really risque..so dont read it if
yu get offended by normal words....

In the kitchen he wanted to boff her.
Satisfaction he tried to proffer.
She replied, "I am sold,
But the floor is too cold."
So, he made her a counter-offer.

Flies spread disease -
Keep yours zipped

Bobby's mother had been away for a few weeks and was questioning her
small son about events during her absence.
"Well," said the boy, "one night we had an awful thunderstorm. It was
so bad that I got scared, and so Daddy and me slept together."
"Bobby," said Sandrine, the boy's pretty French au pair, "you mean
'Daddy and I."
"No, I don't," exclaimed Bobby. "That was last Thursday. The storm was
on Monday night."

A buxom actress fainted right in the middle of her act on the stage.
Four men carried her from the stage, two abreast.

I remember watching "You Bet Your Life".
The female guest was from Buffalo.
She was asked about her family.
She said she had 17 children.
He asked her what her husband did for a living.
She said he operated an automated screwing machine.
Groucho just turned and looked at the camera, remaining silent.
She had said explained enough.

An early method of contraception was to put stones in your shoes.
It made you limp.

One morning, a man woke up and noticed he had a red ring around the
base of his member.
Astonished he checked into the emergency room.
The doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it once
every 3 hours.
"If you don't see any results, come back tomorrow," he said.
There was no result,
So, the man came back the next day.
He was given a different lotion.
It didn't work either.
The man returned the following day.
The doctor was wondering what to prescribe next, when a new nurse, who
happened to be in the same ER, passed by.
Seeing the man's predicament, she offered to help.
"I think I know what the problem is," she said. "Let me assist."
At his wit's end, the doctor agreed to let the nurse try her hand.
"May I?" she asked the man.
He nodded.
She reached into her purse and pulled out a tube of lotion, applied it
to the red ring and it instantly disappeared!
"Amazing!" the doctor said. "What was that?"
The nurse replied,
"Lipstick remover!"

I once caught an old man staring at my girl in the store.
He apologized and said it didn't matter since he was impotent.
I told him no hard feelings.

The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a prostitute.
He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says,
"No problem, honey."
She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down on the bed.
He crawls on top of her.
"Okay, stick it in honey... All the way in... Now pull it out... Now
put it back in... Now pull it out..."
"For Christ sake," says the boy," Will you make up your mind?"

The first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women,
I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.

The two ladies were discussing a news article concerning gasoline
fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about your husband's new job at the gas station?
Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other lady. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."

Mom taught me I should always have on clean underwear in case I'm in
an accident;
But then experience taught me they should always be men's underwear.

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said,
"Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's
over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around
here."
The boss pressed on,
"Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
"My lawyer."

Q: what's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in the back
seat of your car?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!