XXX Adult Puns!

95% of all people have haemorrhoids.
The other 5% are perfect ass holes!

A mother was picking her kids up from childcare.
On the way home, she remembered she needed some milk.
So, she stopped at the local supermarket.
As it was a cool day, she decided to leave the kids in the car for the
few minutes she anticipated being in the shop.
As she left the car, she told the kids, aged 2 & 4,
"Just hang on here, I'm going in to get some milk, and I'll only be a few secs."
The kids assured Mum they'd be OK.
As she began walking across the car park, she remembered a few more
items the family needed.
So, she quickly returned to the car, and said,
"Look, I've just remembered I need some more things - I'll be a few more secs."
The kids were very good natured, and used to this so they told there
Mum this was fine. As she walked away, the 4 year old wound down the
car window, and yelled,
"It's OK, Mum, you have as much secs as you want!!"

The eyeliner and blush were subtle.
The eye shadow and lipstick matched.
I thought I looked very pretty, but my girlfriend was completely disgusted.
So much for makeup sex being the best sex you'll ever have.

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check.
She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries
to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her
mistake, she says, "Well that's great, just great! Some ass hole's got
my pen."

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night --
Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on the beach.
She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up,
placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book...
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello sir, how are you?"
"Fine thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. ...
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.
Jackie persisted.
"Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers,
whipped off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate
ride of her life.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Jackie gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that is what I wanted?"
The man replied,
"How did you know my name was Katz?

What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Come in five flavours

Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie.
"She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has
beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends."
Sophie replies,
"Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."

Colonel Sanders was a typical male.
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for
the evening.
The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge.
Very happy, he leaves.
A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would
like six girls for the evening.
In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for 1,000.
Confused the man asks,
"I don' t understand, on Tuesday it was free."
"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on the Internet."

Decaffeinated:
A cow after having an abortion

Jill goes to the doctor.
After examining her thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed.
"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad cold or
you're pregnant."
"Oh," says Jill, "I must be pregnant -- I don't know anyone who could
have given me a cold."