Why I Don't Attend High School Reunions

Jan, Sue and Lois haven't seen each other since High School.  They
rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot
Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Lois
walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.  She
too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has
a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's
leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue ,
whereSusanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second
home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment
banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home
in Naples, Florida .
pal

Lois explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Gene. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow
their own vegetables. Gene can stand five parrots, side by side, on
his dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live
in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a
nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Lois admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

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Puns of the Day...

Bringing a baby into the world is labour of love.

Once, I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.
There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, urologists,
gynaecologists, proctologists.
Any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole.
They make an entire career out of that hole.
And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, urologist,
gynaecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a
surgeon.
Why?
So, he can make a new hole!

I thought I might become a psychic televangelist but I couldn't find
anyone willing to fundamentalist preacher.
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man.
But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him, his height.
Or, should I say... His very obvious lack of it.
One day, he stormed through the front door and announced angrily,
"Someone just picked my pocket!"
Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who
just had to blurt out. . .
"How could anyone stoop so low?"

When the archaeologist found a huge wall sculpture,
It was quite a relief.

I was all excited when my doctor gave me a prescription for the
medical marijuana that sells under the name brand, "Reeferal."
Then, I found out he was a poor speller and was just sending me to
another doctor.

They tore strips off my dog before kicking him off that logging ship.
He was disembarked.

I recall hearing about a baseball game where a superstar pitcher was
on his way to a strikeout record.
Strangely, he would disappear into the dugout whenever his team was at
bat and return with a newly laundered uniform.
One of his teammates following him into the dugout and found that he
was washing and pressing his uniforms.
When asked what that was all about, the pitcher replied,
"Well, you have to iron when the strike is hot!"

My Uncle Joe is so stupid he put beer in his water bed so he'd have a
foam mattress!

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
'Yes..'
So, I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's why I was admitted to the trauma I.C.U.

Geologists aren't perfect, they have their faults.

I heard my wife mention one morning while getting ready for Church,
"I sure need some new stockings."
When she went into the bakery on the way home that afternoon, I spied
a clothing store next door.
So, I thought I would surprise her and went in to buy her some new stockings...
"Can I help you," the sales lady asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I would like to get some stockings for me wife please."
"Sheer?" she asked.
"No, she ain't here," I replied. "She's next door at the bakery."

A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge
nuggets on the counter.
"Well, don't just stand there, assay something!"

Few people know that George Washington was actually a Texan.
As a young boy, he used his bowie knife and chopped down his father's
favourite mesquite tree.
His father returned from a hard day of riding the range and demanded
to know who had cut down his prized tree.
"Father," said young George, "I cannot tell a lie. I chopped it down."
"That settles it," said his father, "we're moving to Virginia. With an
attitude like that, you'll never make it in Texas politics."

Jimmy Swaggert, Jim Bakker and Jesse Jackson are collaborating on a new book.
It's to be titled:
"Ministers Do More Than Laypeople"

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations
that customs officials must follow.
But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler.
The judge asked the court,
"Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed,
"I am the alligator, Your
Honour."

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XXX - Adult Puns!

There was a sale on bras.
I misunderstood when my wife said the bras at the mall were all 75% off.
I was ready to go!
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.
According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six
midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance
the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the
going rate for rent.
Since we have only one "little person" living here, it turns out that
he won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy
covers everything.
We call it a "Stay Free Mini Pad!!!"

The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the red neck patient.
"Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no
relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the young patient
replied,
"Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbours?"

My neighbour died in his locked garage last night.
When I asked the cop what did him in, he said "ass fixation."
Holy cow, I better start deleting my porn right now!

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their
dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model.
The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbour
and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to
return.
One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall
between the two apartments.
There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine.
Finally, she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.
When the model answered, the wife fumed,
"I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get
something over here."
"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't
helping none either."

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.
One said,
"I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy.
"What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount
her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts
in your hands and whisper in her ear, ' Boy, these feel just like your
sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

Virgin:
A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.

A little girl answered the knock on the door of the farmhouse.
The caller, a rather troubled-looking, middle-aged man, asked to see her father.
"If you've come about the bull," she said, "he's fifty dollars. We
have the papers and everything and he's guaranteed."
"Young lady," the man said, "I want to see your father."
"If that's too much," the little girl replied, "we got another bull
for twenty-five dollars, and he's guaranteed, too, but he doesn't have
any papers."
"Young lady" the man repeated, "I want to see your father!"
"If that's too much," said the little girl, "we got another bull for
only ten dollars, but he's not guaranteed."
"I'm not here for a bull," said the man angrily. "I want to talk about
your brother, Elmer. He's gotten my daughter in trouble!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the little girl. "You'll have to see Pa about
that, 'cause I don't know what he charges for Elmer."

The new college physician was bewildered by the procession of unhappy
young women regularly visiting his campus clinic for pregnancy tests.
"There seems to be something in the air this time of year that causes
young girls to get pregnant," he commented to an colleague.
"What is it, I wonder?"
"Their legs," replied his friend

Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house.
"Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"
Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks,
"What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No silly, it's salty!"

A drunk guy is sitting in a bar.
There is a very buxom lady a few seats down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra.
A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of
her breasts.
This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts.
She decks him! He's laying on the floor and moans,
"Why do you let the bartender do it?"
"Because he has a liquor license! You don't!"

The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location.
A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a safe without knowing the
combination.
In Georgia it's an AIDS-free white girl on the pill.

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PC - Male or Female

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group
was asked to give four reasons for its

recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for

it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

The women won.

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Paraprosdokian sentences

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes
the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.
It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Ø   I asked God for a bike,
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So, I stole a bike
And
Asked for forgiveness.

Ø    Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep,
Like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Ø    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
Standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on the list.

Ø    Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø    If I agreed with you,
We'd both be wrong.

Ø    We never really grow up;
We only learn how to act in public.

Ø    War does not determine who is right --
Only who is left.

Ø    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø    The early bird might get the worm,
But the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,'
And
Then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a  train stops.
My desk is a work station.

Ø    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
But it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø    Some people are like Slinkies ....
Not really good for anything,
But you can't help smiling when you push one  down the stairs.

Ø    Dolphins are so smart,
That within a few weeks of captivity they can train people
To stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø   I  thought I wanted a career;
 Turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

Ø    A bank is a place that will lend you money
If you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø    Whenever I fill out an application,
In the part that says.
"In case of an emergency, notify - - -",
I put "DOCTOR."

Ø    I didn't say it was your fault,
I said I was blaming you.

Ø    I saw a chesty woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...
So, I said "Implants?"

Ø    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
But check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø    Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And
A beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Ø    Why do Americans choose from just two people
To run for President
And
Fifty for Miss America?

Ø    Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø    A clear conscience is usually
The sign of a bad memory.

Ø    You do not need a parachute to sky dive.
You only need a parachute to sky dive,,,, twice.

Ø    The voices in my head may not be real,
But they have some good ideas!

Ø    Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He won't expect it back.

Ø    A diplomat is someone who can tell
You to go to hell in such a way that
You will look forward to the trip.

Ø    Hospitality:
Making your guests feel like they're at home,
Even if you wish they were.

Ø    Money can't buy happiness,
But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø    I discovered I scream the same way
Whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark
Or
If a piece of seaweed touches my  foot.

Ø    Some cause happiness
Wherever they go.
Others,
Whenever they go.

Ø    There's a fine line between cuddling
And
Holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø    I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.

Ø    I always take life with a grain of salt...
Plus a slice of lemon...
And
A shot of tequila.

Ø    When tempted to fight fire with fire,
Remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø    You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø    To be sure of hitting the target,
Shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when
You are after it as opposed to when you are in it.

Ø    If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes,
Why do some people have more than one child?

Ø    Change is inevitable,
Except from a vending machine.

   Ø    When something works just fine,,
DON'T fix it !!!

   Ø    Insanity is contagious,
You get it from your children.

   Ø    Hire a teenager,,
While they still know everything.

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XX - Adult Puns!

The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure
you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample."
The woman was shocked.
"Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person
would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a
gentleman."
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said,
"He's a pragmatic man. After all, to him it's not a big deal... Just a sample."
She thought a minute.
"A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don't give samples. I can give
him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.

A good ol' boy walked over to a good looking girl in a bar and said,
"Howdy! How'd y'all like to come on over to my house and we can have a
real good time?" "I'm not too sure," she replied, "where exactly are
you from?"
"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys
will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."
He interrupts in a very indignant tone,
"CHICKENS?"

I'd love to recruit a bunch of porn stars to join me in a charity
event for world unity, because nothing would satisfy me more than all
of us coming together.

While I was in law school,
I did some legal work for my boyfriend.
He was broke,
So, he paid me in sex.
Now, I'm having trouble finding a job and I don't understand why.
Don't law firms usually prefer that you have experience working pro-boner?

The man who can read a woman like a book usually likes to read in bed.

The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat on the other side
of his desk.
"I was right, Mrs. Green," he announced. "You are definitely pregnant again."
"This will be the fifteenth child, doc," said Mrs. Green grimly.
"You'll have to help me. Enough is enough. I want one of those hearing aids!"
"A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor.
"Surely you mean a contraceptive device."
"No, I mean a hearing aid, doctor. You see it's like this. Every
Saturday night my husband comes in drunk. When he gets into bed he
says, "Now then, are we going to sleep, or what?' And every blasted
time I ask, 'What?'"

A local diner promotes safe sex.
They write the bill on a condom.
In that way you can wine and dine your date, and stick her with the bill.

A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and asked,
"What are you doing wearing a football jersey?"
The girl replied,
"Why, I bought it and own it. Why shouldn't I wear it?"
He said,
"You're not supposed to wear it to class unless you've made the team."
"Oh," she replied sweetly. "Who did I miss?"

An erection is like the Theory of Relativity -
The more you think about it, the harder it gets

There was a couple who were big over-spenders.
They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to
save any money to do so.
One day, they came with an idea -- each time they have sex, they will
put $20.00 bill into piggy bank.
They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.
After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their
dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.
The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each
time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00
and a few $100.00 bills."
The wife replied:
"Do you think that everybody is as cheap as you are?"

I'm awfully sorry, miss," said the store clerk, "but this fifty dollar
bill is counterfeit."
"Damn it," she exclaimed, "I've been seduced!"

The sweet young thing was telling the Evangelist that she had been
sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping
with the neighbour.
"It's your duty to forgive him, my child," intoned the minister as he
patted her hand.
She fell into his arms gently sobbing.
"But," he added, as his grip tightened, "How'd ya like to get even
with the S.O.B. First?"

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Puns of the Day...

Two bees ran into each other.
One asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet
and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any
honey..."
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn
left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah
going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first
bee asked,
"How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to
think I was a wasp."

I used to be a heavy gambler.
But now I just make mental bets.
That's how I lost my mind.

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and
the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database.
One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs.
Suspecting that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. Smith that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:
"Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

The Los Angeles Airport Commission has finally released the plans for
the expansion of Los Angeles International Airport which when built
will be able to accommodate twice the number of international flights
that now come into LAX.
The plans have passed all necessary environmental impact studies and
construction appears to depend on obtaining adequate funding.
A $1,200,000,000 Airport Bond measure will have to be passed by Los
Angeles County voters for construction to occur.
The original plans were to call the enlarged airport,
"Charlton Heston International Airport" because of the high caliber of
the famed resident, and his close relationship to John Wayne whose
name is attached to the airport 50 miles to the south.
However, many Los Angeles residents oppose this name because they feel
it might be an open invitation to bring firearms to the new airport.
The Los Angeles TIMES, a supporter of the new airport expansion has
been conducting a poll of its readers for an appropriate name for the
new facility.
By far, the most popular name of all those suggested, leading by a
three to one margin at present, has been to call the new airport LAX
and change the current airport to EX-LAX.
A lady bought a stamp at the post office and asked the clerk,
"Shall I stick it on myself?"
The clerk replied, "It'll get there faster if you stick it on the envelope.

I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a driver's manual.
On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove.
I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time
to get her driver's permit.
"Oh," she said, "I already know everything in the book."
"You do?" I returned.
"Yep", she said, very smugly.
I thought,
"OK, we'll just see about that. I'll give her a hard one."
So, I asked her,
"How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60
miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?"
"One," she replied.
"What?" I asked. "One?!"
She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my
face, she added, "Only one, Mom. You always told me never to use my
left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."

The things my wife buys at auction is keeping me baroque.
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package
and a large bird cage.
She was gone several days but finally she returned.
Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.
Liz spoke to Sally about her apparent unhappiness:
Liz: "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you
got back okay... But you look so sad. Why??"
Sally: "Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz: "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally: "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods 'cause
I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find
it."
Liz: "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally: "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead
mice and a bird cage."
Liz: "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."
Sally: "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair
of hooters
."
 

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XX - Adult Puns!

I hate when I hear people say,
'Nice guys finish last.'
Seems every nice guy I've slept with finished first and didn't last.

Jon was looking for a little "action."
He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.
Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.
After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a
pack of cigarettes.
On the way out, he stopped into the men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment
of panic when he couldn't find his tool.
After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said,
"Look, it's okay. She's not here!"

The only thing better than the sleep of the just is
The sleep of the just-after.

John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked,
"What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly.
"I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

Learn from your parents mistakes -
Use birth control.

Have you heard about the secretary who was making it with her boss
when his wife walked in?
She had to change her position.

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Understanding Women....

1 . (Whatever)

Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don't we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time I got pimples on my face
Men: All right, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan , today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhoea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..

2. (Anything)

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything

3. (You decide)

Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... For such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..

 Oh…GOD I'M GOING MAAAAAAAAAAAAD………..

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Roger's Wedding...

Roger , 85,  married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old .

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their
wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself   if
they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed andthe
expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens   and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as   one.   All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride,
and she prepares to go to   sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,
and   it's Roger,  Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat
surprised,  Jenny   consents for more coupling. When the newly weds
are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and
leaves.

She is  set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is
back   again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,
ready for  more   'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I
am thoroughly  impressed that at your age you can perform so well and
so often.   I have been with guys less than a third of your age who
were only good   once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger,  somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was
here already?'

The moral  of the story:

Don't  be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS..  Have I sent this to you already?

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IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

                An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros
on a single roll
of the dice.

                She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude'.

                With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!'

                As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

                She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

                The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

                Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

                The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were
watching the dice.'

                MORAL OF THE STORY -

                Not all Irish are drunks,
                not all Blondes are dumb,
                but all Men.... are Men.

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Gentle Thoughts ...

Birds of a feather flock together. . .
And
Then, shit on your car.

A penny saved is
A government oversight.

The older you get,
The tougher it is to lose weight,
Because by then your body
And
Your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is
To buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is
Probably right.

Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong,
You have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is
So he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together
It spells 'Theirs...'

Aging:
Eventually, you will reach a point when
You stop lying about your age
And
Start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me,
I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And
Some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied
And
Would like to go back to your youth,
Think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old
When everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells
You about aging is that it is
Such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.

Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder
And
Your hand over my mouth. . .

AMEN!

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XX Adult Puns!

The bar was getting ready to close.
So, he asked the nearest woman:
'What would you say to a little "oral" activity?'
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
So, she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned to a grin.
So, she moved again.
The man seemed even more amused.
When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
"Well your Honour, it was like this... When the lady got on the bus, I
couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that
said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned. Then she
moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Slogan's Liniment will reduce
the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could
hardly contain myself. But your Honour, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented
this Accident,' I just lost it."

My girlfriend was in labour with our first child.
She was shouting,
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs."
She looked at me and said,
"You did this to me you bastard!"
I casually replied,
"If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but
you said, "It'll be too painful."

A blonde's idea of safe sex is locking the car door.

A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist,
"I was out of town on business," he told the doctor, " and I wired my
wife that I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead of Wednesday.
When I got home I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I
got there I found her in bed with my best friend."
The man then broke down into uncontrollable tears.
The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments, then
shrugged and said, "Maybe she never got the telegram."

The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store
information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery.
He was directed to the notions department on the third floor,
But in the crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the
fourth floor by mistake.
Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator
doors, he said, "Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?"
"Sure," she replied mischievously, "but during the work week I try to
suppress them until after five o'clock."
"No, no, you don't understand," he stammered. "I mean to say, do you
keep stationery?" "No, I like to go with the flow right till the end,"
replied the floor manager, laughing. "And then I just start quivering
all over."

Doug and Bill were discussing the new secretary at their office.
Doug said,
"Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot
better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later, Bill said to Doug,
"Well, I dated her, too, and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a
lot better than your wife."

The sculptor and one of his students went out for coffee after class.
"You have the most delicate, slender hands," said the student, a cute redhead.
"Forgive me for saying so, but they belong on a woman."
Not only did he forgive her, he obliged.

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which
he had been in many battles and won many decorations.
He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and
son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him
and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple
heart on!"
To which the mother replied,
"I don't give a damn what colour it is! Let him in, and you go play at
the Joneses' for a couple hours."

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Never lose your grandson

My small grandson got lost at  the shopping mall..........

He approached a uniformed  security guard and said,
"I've lost my  grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his  name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked,  "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for  a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniels whiskey, and  women with big tits."

 

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When not to call the Vet

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her
Neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was in
'heat' and the neighbor's dog was a male. Nevertheless, she had a large
House and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly
Awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She
Rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating.

The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what
to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few
rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem. The vet said. "I want you to take
the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then
phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should
make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the
bitch"

"Oh" said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well" the vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON ME " !!!

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Lessons

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,

then calls the boy over and asks,

"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber.

"That kid never learns!"

Later, the customer sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question?

Why did you take the two quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,

"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

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XXX Adult Puns!

95% of all people have haemorrhoids.
The other 5% are perfect ass holes!

A mother was picking her kids up from childcare.
On the way home, she remembered she needed some milk.
So, she stopped at the local supermarket.
As it was a cool day, she decided to leave the kids in the car for the
few minutes she anticipated being in the shop.
As she left the car, she told the kids, aged 2 & 4,
"Just hang on here, I'm going in to get some milk, and I'll only be a few secs."
The kids assured Mum they'd be OK.
As she began walking across the car park, she remembered a few more
items the family needed.
So, she quickly returned to the car, and said,
"Look, I've just remembered I need some more things - I'll be a few more secs."
The kids were very good natured, and used to this so they told there
Mum this was fine. As she walked away, the 4 year old wound down the
car window, and yelled,
"It's OK, Mum, you have as much secs as you want!!"

The eyeliner and blush were subtle.
The eye shadow and lipstick matched.
I thought I looked very pretty, but my girlfriend was completely disgusted.
So much for makeup sex being the best sex you'll ever have.

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check.
She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries
to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her
mistake, she says, "Well that's great, just great! Some ass hole's got
my pen."

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night --
Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on the beach.
She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up,
placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book...
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello sir, how are you?"
"Fine thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. ...
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.
Jackie persisted.
"Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers,
whipped off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate
ride of her life.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Jackie gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that is what I wanted?"
The man replied,
"How did you know my name was Katz?

What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Come in five flavours

Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie.
"She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has
beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends."
Sophie replies,
"Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."

Colonel Sanders was a typical male.
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for
the evening.
The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge.
Very happy, he leaves.
A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would
like six girls for the evening.
In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for 1,000.
Confused the man asks,
"I don' t understand, on Tuesday it was free."
"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on the Internet."

Decaffeinated:
A cow after having an abortion

Jill goes to the doctor.
After examining her thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed.
"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad cold or
you're pregnant."
"Oh," says Jill, "I must be pregnant -- I don't know anyone who could
have given me a cold."

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XX - Adult Puns!

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love.
The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her.
She wants more and they do it again.
She still wants more and the guy, by now exhausted, says:
"Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself."
While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.
He goes up to the guy and says;
"Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or
five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll
take over for me."
The guy agrees.
He jumps into the back of the car and starts to go at it with the woman.
He's just getting to the gravy strokes when a cop knocks on the window
and shines a light on them.
The cop asks,
"What're you doing in there?"
The guy says,
"I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks,
"Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers,
"To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined
the light on her

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says,
"Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family soon
after he became an officer in the Air Force.
When months went by without success, they consulted the base
physician, who chose to examine Mom right then and there.
"Please disrobe," he told her.
"With him in the room??" she yelled, pointing to my father.
Turning to Dad, the doctor said,
"Captain, I think I found the problem."

London's first sperm bank turned out to be a complete disaster.
There were only two potential donors;
One missed the tube and the other came on the bus.

An elderly couple, in their 80's, went to a sex therapist's office and
asks the doctor to watch them have sex.
The doc is so amazed at such an elderly couple wanting sexual advise
that he agrees. After watching them, the doc says,
"There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have sex."
He charges them $50 and they go on their way.
The couple returns the next week and again ask the doc to watch them have sex.
After several weeks of this, the doc finally asked the couple what
they wanted him to find out.
The old man replies,
"We're not trying to find out anything. I'm married, so we can't go to
my house, she's married so we can't go to her house. The Holiday Inn
charges $98, the Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50 and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving me only $7 to pay to get some ass, &
since you are a doctor it's confidential!

The difference between beer nuts and deer nuts is:
Beer nuts cost a buck fifty-nine, while deer nuts are under a buck.

Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don't
know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader.
Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having
to explain how it's done.
One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she
explained it.
I found out why when I overheard her tell one man,
"Strip down facing me."

Stewardesses do it in the air.

A man was on a business trip in West Virginia, when he struck up a
conversation with a young lady in a bar.
After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and
retire to his motel room and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you, anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously
young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once and
get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled
and said, "Superstitious, huh?"

If Dracula hired a lady of the evening, could she be considered,
"Down for the count"?

"Look," said the husband, "if you don't put some more action into it
in the sack, I'm gonna go out and get me some 'strange stuff'."
"Listen Buffalo," snapped the wife, "if you could somehow manage just
a inch or so more, you'd get yourself some 'strange stuff' right
here."

Cuckold:
Somebody that somebody else really has it in for.

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In case of emergency ....

In case of an emergency, speak only in English!!
Never say prayers in any other language!

U never knows what kind of translation problem u can run into:
An Indian in the US suffered a heart attack on the road and was picked
up by an ambulance.  Being religious, he kept repeating –

 Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om.

When the ambulance pulled into his home, his wife came out and
screamed to the paramedics: 'Why didn't you take him straight to the
hospital?'
They replied "Because he kept saying,
 'Hurry home Hurry home Hurry home!'

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Puns of the Day...

With recall of eggs, we can see
We should live cholesterol free.
This conclusion seems fair
That, as a food, they're
Not all that they're cracked up to be.

This policeman was looking for a lead.
He came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper, and said,
"I want you to trace someone for me."

Do you remember when Thymes Limited first went into business?
You know who they are, don't you?
When they first started out, they used to make sausages.
Originally the Thymes family members were farmers and purveyors of
meats-first chickens, then turkeys and later pigs.
Before fragrances, it was breasts of Thymes;
It was the worst of Thymes.

When I'm driving here I see a sign that says,
CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING.
I slow down, and then it occurs to me,
I'm not afraid of small children.

The Presbyterian Church is known for it's strong conservative
resistance to change.
What is the correct Presbyterian procedure for changing a light bulb?
The code-book states,
"The motion as to changing the lightbulb shall properly be brought
under new business of the Committee of Management. When the main
motion has been made and seconded, discussion of the motion shall
proceed. Amendments to the motion, including specification of means of
access and disposal of old light bulb may then be brought, as
appropriate, and discussed. When the motion has been perfected, the
moderator shall read the text of the motion. If there is insufficient
light by which the moderator may read, then the motion shall fail and
no action shall be taken."

I called a blonde on her cell phone.
She asked me how I knew she was at the mall.

A long-married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too far, fell into the well and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
"It really works!"

"It is quite nice to include small grapes in your jams and jellies,"
taught Julia Child concurrently.

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer,
"No, ma'am, we haven't had any for quite some time now, and it doesn't
look as if we'll be getting any more."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the
customer who was walking out the door and said,
"That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, I
personally placed an order for them just a couple of days ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled,
"Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't
have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she
asked if we had any?"
"Muggers in the parking lot."

Sign in front window of a diet food centre:
Are You Going The Wrong Weigh?

Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde woman from a small town was taking
a long walk through a nearby meadow.
She was surprised when she saw a parachutist trapped in the high
branches of a tree.
"Hellp!" he cried when he spotted her...
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes.
"Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals,
anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a
Sunday!"

Mimes are determined to remain silent,
To say the least.

Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a
large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75
flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this
unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.
"I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25
flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.
At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

The carpenters argued on how best to complete the dinette set they
were working on.
They finally agreed to table the discussion.

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The Preacher's Son

An old country preacher...

...had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some
thought to choosing a profession.  Like many young Men his age, the
boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too
concerned about it.  One day, while the boy was away at school, his
father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and
placed on his study table four objects..

1. A Bible...

..?

2. A silver dollar...

..?

3. A bottle of whisky...

..?

4. And a Playboy magazine...

..?

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself.
'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks
up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that
would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum,
and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as
he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the
room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he
picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the
silver dollar and dropped into his pocket..  He uncorked the bottle
and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

'He's gonna run for Congress.'

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XXX - Adult Puns!

These are really good but some are really risque..so dont read it if
yu get offended by normal words....

In the kitchen he wanted to boff her.
Satisfaction he tried to proffer.
She replied, "I am sold,
But the floor is too cold."
So, he made her a counter-offer.

Flies spread disease -
Keep yours zipped

Bobby's mother had been away for a few weeks and was questioning her
small son about events during her absence.
"Well," said the boy, "one night we had an awful thunderstorm. It was
so bad that I got scared, and so Daddy and me slept together."
"Bobby," said Sandrine, the boy's pretty French au pair, "you mean
'Daddy and I."
"No, I don't," exclaimed Bobby. "That was last Thursday. The storm was
on Monday night."

A buxom actress fainted right in the middle of her act on the stage.
Four men carried her from the stage, two abreast.

I remember watching "You Bet Your Life".
The female guest was from Buffalo.
She was asked about her family.
She said she had 17 children.
He asked her what her husband did for a living.
She said he operated an automated screwing machine.
Groucho just turned and looked at the camera, remaining silent.
She had said explained enough.

An early method of contraception was to put stones in your shoes.
It made you limp.

One morning, a man woke up and noticed he had a red ring around the
base of his member.
Astonished he checked into the emergency room.
The doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it once
every 3 hours.
"If you don't see any results, come back tomorrow," he said.
There was no result,
So, the man came back the next day.
He was given a different lotion.
It didn't work either.
The man returned the following day.
The doctor was wondering what to prescribe next, when a new nurse, who
happened to be in the same ER, passed by.
Seeing the man's predicament, she offered to help.
"I think I know what the problem is," she said. "Let me assist."
At his wit's end, the doctor agreed to let the nurse try her hand.
"May I?" she asked the man.
He nodded.
She reached into her purse and pulled out a tube of lotion, applied it
to the red ring and it instantly disappeared!
"Amazing!" the doctor said. "What was that?"
The nurse replied,
"Lipstick remover!"

I once caught an old man staring at my girl in the store.
He apologized and said it didn't matter since he was impotent.
I told him no hard feelings.

The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a prostitute.
He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says,
"No problem, honey."
She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down on the bed.
He crawls on top of her.
"Okay, stick it in honey... All the way in... Now pull it out... Now
put it back in... Now pull it out..."
"For Christ sake," says the boy," Will you make up your mind?"

The first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women,
I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.

The two ladies were discussing a news article concerning gasoline
fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about your husband's new job at the gas station?
Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other lady. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."

Mom taught me I should always have on clean underwear in case I'm in
an accident;
But then experience taught me they should always be men's underwear.

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said,
"Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's
over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around
here."
The boss pressed on,
"Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
"My lawyer."

Q: what's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in the back
seat of your car?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!

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XX Adult Puns!

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D. A. What the
defendant said before the alleged assault.
Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write
out the answer. After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury
foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him.
He took the note from her and read,
"I'm going to have sex with you like you've had it never before."
The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.
"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic.
It reads:
"We may never piss this way again."

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers:
"Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says:
"An Italian girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey,
how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you. And, what happened to my
present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for
nine months to see if it is a girl!"

The height of conceit is having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

I got tired of Mom telling me how to live my life, so I decided to get revenge.
During her monthly ladies club meeting, I took off my clothes, stuck a
carrot up my ass and walked into the living room.
She stopped, looked concerned, then said,
"Fanny, I don't think you're eating right."

I'd call you a sadistic sodomitic necrophiliac,
But that would be beating a dead horse.

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and I was a bit lonely,
So, I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone books.
I decided to phone one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over
in the photo -- beautiful.
So, I picked up the card and I dialled the number.
"Can I help you?" the woman says.
"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room and
give me a massage. No, wait, I want sex. I want it hard, fast and now!
I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring
implements, bring toys, do the lot, all night, tie me up, cover me in
anything. Now how does that sound?"
She says,
"That sounds fantastic. But for an outside line you need to press 9 first."

The waitress at the Greek beanery married the boss, and they seemed quite happy.
But one day she sued him for divorce.
Her charge:
He was indifferent.

At the mah jongg game, a matron was bragging to her club members.
"That old goat of a husband of mine can't spend a dime without my
consent. My lawyer drew up an agreement that will hold up 100% in any
court. And when he dies, I get every cent under his last will and
testicles."
"You must mean testament," said one of the ladies.
"When I say testicles, I mean testicles," laughed the woman. "Even
after he's buried, I'll still have him by the balls!"

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night on the last question.
It was:
"Where do most women have curly hair?"
The correct answer is Africa.
I've been asked to find another place to worship."

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking, he
looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying
pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked me to do last
night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself,
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."

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XX - Adult Puns!

Q. What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts
neatly in a hole and works best when it is jerked?
A. A Seatbelt

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's
final exam.
He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring
a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass, male student said,
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst
into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at
the student, and said,
"Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

The prostitute with a degree in psychology really blows your mind.

When you mix a rooster with a telephone pole,
You get a 30 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

One day the pretty young maid announced to the Lady of the house that
she was quitting. When asked why, she replied,
"I am in the family way."
The Lady of the house was both surprised and shocked and asked who it was.
The maid replied,
"Your husband and your son."
This time, she horrified and demanded an explanation.
"Well," the maid explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your
husband say, 'You are in the way.' I go to the living room to clean
and your son say 'You are in my way.' So I'm in the family way. I
quit!"

After the big Superbowl party, Todd figured he better spend some
quality time with his wife.
He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.
"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."
"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.
"What's the Four Play?" says Todd.
"You know," the wife, says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

Taxi Drivers do it all over town.

Jack was to be married to Jill,
So his father sat him down for a fireside chat.
"Jack," he says, "Let me tell you something. On my wedding night in
our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers, handed them to your
mother and said 'Here Honey, try these on'. So she did, and said 'Well
sweetie, they're a little too big, I can't wear them' so I replied
'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will'. Ever
since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack, and thinks it's a good thing to try.
So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill,
"Here Babe, try these on".
So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me".
Jack then says,
"Exactly. I wear the trousers in this relationship, I always will, and
I don't want you to forget that".
At this, Jill takes off her knickers, hands them to Jack and says,
"Here, you try on mine".
So, he tries and says,
"I can't even get into your knickers".
Jill says,
"Exactly. And if you don't change your fucking attitude, you never will!"

Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage?
She was strapped for cash.

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked,
"Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded,
"To avoid criticism."

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Adult Puns!

The Second Coming has nothing to do with multiple orgasms.

The attractive Yuppette, admired by all the husbands at the club, was
talking to one of the wives over drinks.
"I've developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object."
The wife grinned and replied,
"That's not surprising darling, considering the number of times you've
been inoculated."

When you're at the grocery store and you can't find the Planter's,
it's better not to phrase your inquiry to the stock boy,
"Where do you keep your nuts?"

The naïve young woman was seated in her doctor's office.
"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the physician, "and
there is every indication that you are going to have twins."
"But how can that be, doctor?" the girl protested. "I've never been
out on a double-date in my life!"

Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out.
One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.
"Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters,"
Pinocchio says. Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he
feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his penis.
Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it.
A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street.
He stops him, and asks how its going with the girls,
To which Pinocchio replies,
"Hey, who needs girls?"

Drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays because on Tuesday and Thursday, the
Sex Ed class uses it.

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XX: Adult Puns!

What is the ultimate definition of courage?
Two cannibals having oral sex.

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son,
14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life.
He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a
beauty parlor.
Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time
for his indoctrination to sex.
The madam says,
"Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to
see to this personally."
So, the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs,
where she completes his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says,
"Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full
treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main
street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy. So the madam smiles and
says,
"Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"
"Yes ma'am the boy stammers,
"You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my
fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

To get acquainted with his new parish, the new Priest decided to call
on a new parishioner every day until he got to know most of them.
One day, he selected a young widow, whose husband, according to the
index card supplied him by the parish office, had died two years ago.
After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby
in her arms.
He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for
the widow Smith."
"You've found her Father," smiled the lady.
"Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two
years ago." he said glancing at the baby in her arms.
"That's correct Father," she replied. "He surely did. But I didn't."

Waiting in the long restroom lines at sports stadiums, many women with
small bladders have trouble minding their pees in queues.

One late evening a redneck named Aldo came out of the local pub a little drunk.
He got into his pickup truck and started driving home.
He was on a lonely stretch of the road, when all of a sudden a piston
blew right through the hood.
Aldo gets out of his pickup truck, angry as hell and kicks the door
real hard out of frustration and starts walking down the lonely road.
About twenty minutes later, a pickup truck with a bunch of fellow
rednecks riding in the back of the truck came along and stopped.
One of the fellas called out,
"Whats the matter ole' friend?" Aldo says,
"Piston-broke!"
The same fella calls back,
"Yeah! We're pissn'd and broke too. Get in the truck."

Coolie:
A quickie in the snow

One morning, a man woke up and noticed he had a red ring around the
base of his member.
Astonished he checked into the emergency room.
The doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it once
every 3 hours.
"If you don't see any results, come back tomorrow," he said.
There was no result.
So, the man came back the next day.
He was given a different lotion.
It didn't work either.
The man returned the following day.
The doctor was wondering what to prescribe next, when a new nurse, who
happened to be in the same ER, passed by.
Seeing the man's predicament, she offered to help.
"I think I know what the problem is," she said. "Let me assist."
At his wit's end, the doctor agreed to let the nurse try her hand.
"May I?" she asked the man.
He nodded.
She reached into her purse and pulled out a tube of lotion, applied it
to the red ring and it instantly disappeared!
"Amazing!" the doctor said.
"What was that?"
The nurse replied,
"Lipstick remover!"

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XX - Adult Puns!

To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, the young man went
up to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and
managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade."
This young man was determined not to miss this date.
So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man
treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the
living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again.
He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a
tall, cool, glass of milk.
He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced an
immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the
kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in the glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed,
"So that's how you guys re-load those things!"

A mother can get pregnant while nursing,
But it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts
him to sleep first.

A man went to the tattoo parlour and had the words "yes" and "no"
tattooed on his penis. When he got home that night, he approached his
wife in their bedroom.
He stripped off his pants and shorts, revealing his aroused organ and
its new tattoo. "What do you think, honey?" he asked his wife.
Deliberately, she said,
"You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to clean the house, you tell
me how to do the laundry, and now you're going to put words in my
mouth?"

When I was born, I was given a choice -- a big dick or a good memory.
I don't remember which one I chose.

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench
having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the
park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and
opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then, Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Attorney: "Are you sexually active?"
Witness: "No, I just lie there."

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge.
So, he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was
waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked,
'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied,
'That's pewter and it costs $300..'
'My goodness, that sure is a lot' Mary exclaimed.
Then, she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to
buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it...
From the back room Walt yelled,
'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied,
'No, but I will for the faucet.'
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot. . .

Last night I was in a rare tender mood.
I made love to my wife and afterward held her close.
"I love you terribly," I whispered.
"You certainly do," was her reply.

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for quite a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject
of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about Sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently" she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then
leaned over towards her and whispered:
"Is that one word or two?"

If she says she's into "bondage,"
Don't show her your financial portfolio.

Two fellas were sitting in a bar.
One was complaining about his live-in girlfriend.
"I'm telling ya, Sam, I've about had it with Sally. She keeps bringing
her work home, night after night! I'm seriously considering just
moving out of her place and ending the relationship."
"Well," replied his buddy, "I can see how that could indeed be
annoying. But having a girl who's interested in her career is hardly
reason enough to break up. She just wants to get more money to prepare
for marriage!"
"Even if the girl's a hooker?" the first man asked.

Muster some sympathy for the dilemma of the out-of-work stripper:
All undressed and no place to show.
 

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The economy is so bad that...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one  wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico ..

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street ."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...
 
 

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The Female Wavelength...careful when you have such discussions with women !!!

Late one night, a man and wife were sitting in the living room,
talking surprisingly about life, death, health and sickness and other
such deep philosophical things.

He said to her, "Darling, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you ever
see me in that state, promise me that you will disconnect all the
contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die."

His wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration on her
face... and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the dish antenna, the DVD
player, the computer, the internet, the cellphone, the iPod, and the
XBox. She then went to the bar and threw away all his whiskey, rum,
gin, vodka and the beer in the fridge.

The man almost died on the spot!

*MORAL OF THE STORY:*

The female brain works on a different wavelength than the male brain.

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Grandparent's Answering Machine

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please Leave
your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp ...

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from
1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to
your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, dial 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater
start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

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XX - THATS MY SPONGE....

"MUMMY, MUMMY" cried JOHNNY, WHEN HE SAW HIS MOTHER IN THE SHOWER.
"WHATS THAT HAIR "? HE SAID, POINTING TO HER PUBES.
MUMMY BLUSHED AND REPLIED
"WELL THATS  MY SPONGE"
OH ! I NOW UNDERSTAND SAID JOHNNY,
"BECAUSE I SAW THE MAID WASHING DADDY'S FACE WITH HERS YESTERDAY"

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A good one mon

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this
small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, "I have some special sandals
I tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex.

"The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband
felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband
asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?

"The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do
nutting cept try dem on.

"So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an
eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a
firm hold of the Jamaican's hips................

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on da wrong feet!
Mon,you got dem on da wrong feet.

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Hell explained thru Physics

The following is an actual question given on a  University   of
Arizona   mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle 's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

   One student, however, wrote the following:

  First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we
can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering
Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today.

   Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

   1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

   2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that
since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven,
thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why,
last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

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A Love Story for Cricketers

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached
across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we
will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of
these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been
unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good
reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said,"I never
suspected. Tell me what you meant by 'good reasons'?"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were
about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you
remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he
notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for
that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have
the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your
doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I
can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of
your cricket club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

 

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US Scots

An English doctor was visiting a northern Scottish hospital. Entering
the last ward, he was surprised to see that none of the patients had
any obvious signs of illness or injury. But as he neared the first
bed, its occupant piped up:

            "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,
            Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
            Aboon them a'ye tak your place, painch, tripe, or thairm:
            Weel are ye wordy o'a grace as lang's my arm."
            The next patient, ignoring his greeting, immediately erupted:
            "Some hae meat, and canna eat,
            And some wad eat that want it.
            But we hae meat and we can eat,
            And sae the Lord be thankit."

 On to the next, who rapidly lifted himself from his pillow and glared
at the visitor with a menacing eye:
            "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
            O, what aq panic's in thy breastie!
            Thou need not start awa sae hasty,
            Wi bickering brattle
            I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
            Wi murdering pattle!"
            Stepping back, he quietly asked his host if he shouldn't
open a psychiatric ward.

        "Och, nay," came the gently-burred reply; "this is our
serrrious Burrrns unit!"

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Bring back any memories?

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when
you were growing up?'
 'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
 'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'home,'' I explained. !
 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down
together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put
on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going
to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about
how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my
childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a
golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed
probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air
at 10 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back
on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced
news and farm show on, featuring local people...

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party
line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some
people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered
newspapers --My brother delivered a newspaper, seven days a week.  He
had to get up at 6AM every morning.

Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the
films. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly
produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence
or almost anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may
want to share some of these memories with your children or
grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:
 My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December)
and he brought me an old Woodroofe’s Lemonade bottle..   In the
bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it....    I knew
immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea.   She thought
they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something.   I knew it as
the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle'
clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.   Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?
Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.
>
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
 Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.
 Ratings at the bottom.

 1. Sweet cigarettes
 2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
 3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
 4. Party lines on the telephone
 5. Newsreels before the movie
 6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and
were there until TV shows started again in the morning.. (There were
only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
 7.  Peashooters
 8. 33 rpm records
 9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!

I must be 'positively ancient' but those memories are some of the best
parts of my life.

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