XXX ADULT PUNS!

I got a sweater for Christmas...
Really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Little Bobby says
"Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?"
His mom says,
"Why, a stork, little Bobby."
Little Bobby says,
"Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?"
His mom says,
"A raven, dear."
Little Bobby then says,
"Then, what kind of bird brings no babies at all?"
His mom says,
"A swallow!"

The law prohibits sex between lawyers and their clients
This is to prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day.
Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.
"Yes. . .  Uh huh. . . OK. . . Yes. . . Bye"
Her husband's best friend says,
"Who was it?"
"That was my husband," she replied
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf
with you"

I was sexually abused as a child,
First, by my right hand, then, by my left.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in the midst of a bitter divorce.
Unable to amicably resolve their differences, they ended up in court.
After considering all the evidence, the judge addressed Mickey.
"Mickey, I'm afraid there is insufficient evidence to substantiate your
claim that Minnie is insane."
Mickey replied,
"Damn it Judge. I didn't say she was insane. I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"

Bernie says to his wife Sarah,
"Let's go out tonight, darling and have some fun."
Sarah replies,
"OK, but if you get home before I do, please leave the light in the hall
on."

Fearing that she might be a haemophiliac, the prostitute went to see her
doctor.
"It's awful," she says. "Every time I get even a small cut, it takes days
for the bleeding to stop."
"I see," said the physician. "And how much do you lose when you get your
period?"
She thought for a moment, then answered,
"About five grand.

What should you do if your date yells,
"I can't take it any longer."?
Tell her not to worry;
it's not gonna get any longer!

A young Irish boy falls in love with a girl and takes her home to meet his
family.
The boy, his lady friend, and his family gather around the dining room
table, and his mother asks the girlfriend what she does.
The girl hesitates, then says,
"I'm a prostitute."
The mother screams, faints and has to have water splashed in her face to
bring her round.
"Forgive me, my dear. But I don't think I heard that correctly. Did you say
you were a prostitute?"
"Yes," says the girl.
The mother laughs and says,
"Thank goodness. For a moment I thought you said you were a Protestant."

I caught my son having sex today.
I then said to him,
"Go to your room and think about what you have done!"
Five minutes later, I walked in to his room to find him having a wank.

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Confucius Say...

When you see the handwriting on the wall,
You're in a public restroom.
...
Man who jumps through screen door
Likely to strain himself.
...
New wives are like computers...
They go down unexpectedly.
...
Best time to buy new mattress,
At first sign of spring.
...
He who sneeze without tissue,
Take matter in own hands.
...
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
...
People having gift of gab,
Not know how to wrap it up.
...
When the chips are down,
The buffalo is empty.
...
First breathe of love is
The last breath of wisdom.
...
The definition of a true genius is
A nudist with a memory for faces.

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Historic knowledge or myths

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras.
One's image was either sculpted or painted.
Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with
one arm behind his back while others showed
Both legs and both arms.
Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be
painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted.
Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer
more.
Hence the expression,
"Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."


As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May
and October)!
Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice
and bugs) and wore wigs.
Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool.
They couldn't wash the wigs,
So, to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the
shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.
The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig."
Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears
to be or is powerful and wealthy.


In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one
chair.
Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for
dining.
The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate
sitting on the floor.
Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this
chair during a meal.
To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge.
They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man."
Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of
the Board."


Personal hygiene left much room for improvement.
As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood.
The women would spread bees' wax over their facial skin to smooth out their
complexions.
When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another
woman's face she was told,
"mind your own bee's wax."
Should the woman smile, the wax would crack,
Hence, the term "crack a smile."
In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . .
Therefore, the expression "losing face."


Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front.
A proper and dignified woman as in "straight laced". .
Wore a tightly tied lace.


Common entertainment included playing cards.
However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only
applicable to the "Ace of Spades."
To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.
Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be
stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."


Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the
people considered important.
Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their
assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.
They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and
political concerns.
Many assistants were dispatched at different times.
"You go sip here" and "You go sip there."
The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local
opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

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Kid's say the darndest things...

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals
of amusing things their students have written in papers.
Here are a few examples:


- The future of "I give" is "I take."

- The parts of speech are lungs and air.

- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the
population.

- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones.

- The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk
from rayon.

-He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities.

- The climate is hottest next to the creator.

- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

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Minds

Small Minds - Talk of people

Average Minds - Talk of events

Great Minds - Talk of ideas
Greatest Minds - Act in silence

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Snappy Comeback Lines

"Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"

"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."

"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"

"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"
"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"

"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"

"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."
"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"

"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."

"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"

"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
But why? My wife isn't dangerous."

I have changed! My mind."
Thank heaven!
Does it work better now?"
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colours do you have?

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HOW TO STAY YOUNG...

1.
Throw out nonessential numbers.
This includes:
Age,
Weight
&
 Height.
Let the doctor worry about them.
That is why you pay him/her.

2.
Keep only cheerful friends.
The  grouches pull you down.

3.
Keep learning.
Learn more about:
Computer,
Crafts,
Gardening,
Whatever.
Never let the brain idle.
"An idle mind is the  devil's workshop."
&
The devil's  name is  Alzheimer's.

4.
Enjoy the simple things.

5.
Laugh often,
Long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6.
The tears happen.
Endure,
Grieve,
&
 Move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7.
Surround yourself with what you love,
Whether it's family,
Pets,
Keepsakes,
Music,
Plants,
Hobbies,
Whatever.
Your  home is your refuge.

8.
Cherish your health:
If it is good,
Preserve it.
If it is unstable,
Improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve,
Get help!

9.
Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip
To  the mall,
To the next county,
 To a foreign country,
But
NOT to where the guilt is.

10.
Tell the people you love that you love them,
At every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of  breaths we take,
But
By the moments
That take our breath away.

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Letter of Apology from the Hospital

 Dear Sir:

The results from the laboratory confirm that the red ring around your penis
was not cancerous.  It was lipstick mark.

We apologize for the amputation.

 Regards,


Dick Less, MD,  F.R.C.s.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Confucius Say:
A 400 pound lady, who likes both men and women,
Is a bisexual built for two.

While making up her teen-age daughter's bed, she was shocked to discover a
large carrot under the pillow.
When Mary Jo came home, Mother demanded an explanation of the carrot.
"Mother, I want to be honest with you," she confessed, "for the past few
weeks that carrot has been my husband." "Well," the Mother replied,
"consider yourself a widow, because your husband just went into tonight's
stew!"

Dancing:
A vertical expression for horizontal intention.

On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped
into a sexy, but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into
bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied,
"Because it's Lent."
"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she exclaimed,
close to tears. "To whom and for how long?"

The difference between light and hard is,
You can sleep with a light on.

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some
time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his
hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained,
"I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable ass hole!" she screamed.
"That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."

What should you do if your date yells,
"I can't take it any longer"?
Tell her not to worry; it's not gonna get any longer!

A woman answers the phone in a busy office,
'Good morning, Cleveland Parachute Club.'
A startled man on the other end replied,
'Excuse me, but isn't this the Cleveland Prostitute Club'?
'Oh no sir,' came the embarrassed reply, 'this is the Cleveland Parachute
Club.'
'Damn!' said the man. 'I'm afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your
salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week'

What do you call a gay dentist?
A tooth fairy!

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Generations!!

People born before 1946 were called The Silent & Powerful Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

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In mutable Laws (Which Cannot Be Avoided)

1,  When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free,
The keys are in the opposite  pocket.
( Von Fumbles Law)


2.  A door will snap shut only when
You have left the keys inside.
(Yale Law Of Destiny)


3.  When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue,
Your nose will start to itch.
( Law Of Ichiban)


4.  Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.
(Insurance So Sorry Law)


5.  When things seem to be going well,
You've probably forgotten to do something.
(Cheny's Second Corollary)


6.  When things seem easy to do,
It's because you haven't followed all the instructions.
 (Destiny Awaits Law )


 7. If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his,
It's probably because you have not  realized the seriousness of the problem
(Law Of Gravitas)


 8. Most problems are not created nor solved,
They only change appearances.
  (Einstein's Law Of Persistence)


9.  You will run to answer the telephone
Just as the party hangs up on you.
(Principle Of Dingaling)


 10. Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet,
The call you've been waiting for all day will arrive.
(Principle of BT)


 11. If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time,
They will always be at the same time.
(Law Of Wasteland)


 12. The cost is always higher than one budgets for,
And it is exactly 3.14 times higher,
Hence the importance of pi.
(Law Of Pi Eyed)


 13. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is
Directly proportional to the need to be clean.
(Law Of Campbell Scoop)


14. Each and every body submerged in a bathtub
Will cause the phone to ring.
   (Law Of Ohmy Gad)


 15. Each and  every body sitting on a commode
Will cause the doorbell to ring.
(Law Of Ogolly Gee!)


16. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.
(The Donking Principle)


17. After discarding something not used for years,
You will need it one week later.
(Law Of Fatal Irreversibility)


18. Arriving early for an appointment will
Cause the receptionist to be absent,
And
If one arrives late,
Everyone else has arrived before you.
(Law Of De Lay)


 19. Do not take life too seriously,
Because in the end,
You won't come out alive anyway."
(Theory Of Absolute Certainty)

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XX Adult Puns!

Philosophers aren't a good source
For sexual info, of course
For advice on their art
Consult nympho or tart
And don't put Descartes 'fore the whores.

Taking Viagra is like an attraction at Disneyland.
You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride.

A little boy walks into the living room where his parents are entertaining a
large gathering of their friends and loudly announces,
"Mommy, I have to poop!"
The mother takes the boy to the bathroom and says,
"Now, Billy, the next time you have to go to the bathroom , say, 'Mommy, I
have to whisper.'"
"Okay," says the boy.
That night little Billy wakes up at 3:00 AM and goes to his parents' bedroom
where they are sound asleep.
He goes up to his mother and says,
"Mommy, I have to whisper."
The mother drowsily replies,
"I'm too tired now. Go whisper in Daddy's ear.

Prostitute:
A woman who makes her living being laid back but who is always pressed for
cash.

A woman goes into a dentist's office.
After he is through examining her he says:
"I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful! I'd rather have a
baby!"
To which the dentist replies,
"Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

I know an 80 year old man who has sex almost every day.
He almost has it on Monday, almost has it on Tuesday

The blonde full-bosomed high-school cheerleader confessed to her kindly old
Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his
car.
"Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it,
you'll know you've been doing something wrong."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." replied the cheerleader. "It probably would be
more comfortable in the back seat."

Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark.
They start raping the nuns and the first nun says,
"Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!"
The second one says,
"This one does!"

Three women were returning to their village when they spotted a man,
obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him
stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle.
When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she
recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped
his pants.
She remarked,
"Well, he's not my husband."
The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed,
"Your right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and
said,
"He's not even from our village."

Confucius say,
"Girl who sits on Judge's lap get honourable discharge."

A man went to his doctor for a check-up.
Half way through, the doctor told him to take down his trousers.
The doctor stood back in surprise, as there was a squirrel in a chauffeur's
uniform in the man's shorts.
Did you know you have a squirrel dressed as a chauffeur in your pants?"
asked the doctor.
"Yes," answered the man, "he's driving me nuts."

The difference between a blonde and a brick is
A brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

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Poster Sign Posted by Bangkok's Tourism Authority.

"Loyal husbands
will go straight
to Heaven...

and Disloyal
will enjoy Heaven
on Earth!!!
The choice is yours!"

- Bangkok Tourism.

 

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Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down
with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled
that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at  34 Oaktree Blvd. , in  Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said,
'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'

I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my
gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .....
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ..

I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Said Madam at small house of sin,
On greeting at door, two large men,
"I'm busy tonight
Although things are tight
Perhaps I can squeeze you both in"
(Gary Hallock)

I wouldn't want to fly Virgin.
Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?

Undoubtedly, the most infamous hotel (or motel to be precise) is the Bates
Motel of 'Psycho' movie fame.
They've done remakes of the movie, but I hear that someone would like to do
a remake which is half-horror, half-porno.  The new movie will be named the
'Master Bates Motel'.

I wish I could talk to my doctor about erectile dysfunction,
But for some reason it never comes up.

A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest
relationship.
"You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of
you."
"Why," she asks, "because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."

What is the difference between a gigolo, a doctor, a rabbi, and a chorus
girl?
A gigolo is a penis vendor,
A doctor a penis mender,
A rabbi is a penis ender,
A chorus girl is a penis bender.

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home.
While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were
undressing.
"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella.
"I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to
say, do you?"

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your vasectomy.


A lady enters the dental surgery, takes off her stockings, underwear, makes
herself comfortable in the chair, spreads her legs apart.
Dentist:
"Madam, are you sure you're in the right place? Probably, you need the
gynaecologist "
Lady:
"No. I'm in the right place all right. You made the dental plate for my
husband last week, didn't you? Now remove it, please."

The cheapest meat is deer balls,
They're under a buck.

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One Liners***

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst,
For they are sticking to their diets.

Perhaps, you know why women over fifty don't have babies:
They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders,
Sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise,
I lie down till the thought goes away.

I finally got my head together.
My body fell apart.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty,
It begins to show.

Sometimes I think I understand everything,
Then, I regain consciousness.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old;
You grow old because you stop laughing.

I had to give up jogging for my health.
My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Remember,
As we get older we no longer have hot flashes.
We now have power surges.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a woman, Monique,
Who proclaimed an efficient technique:
"One f*ck daily's just right."
She did seven one night,
And then found that it made her hole weak.


The varsity girls track team coach just couldn't seem to win a meet.
Six losses in a row.
He decided it would be best if he put his girls on anabolic steroids.
Soon his girls were performing like stars.
They went undefeated for the rest of the year.
They won State and were on their way to the Nationals.
On the bus trip, Sally, the star sprinter struck a conversation with the
coach.
Sally:
"Coach I have a problem!"
Coach:
"What's that, Sally?"
Sally:
"I'm developing thick hair on my body!"
Coach:
What part of your body?"
Sally:
"My chest, coach."
Coach:
"How far does the hair go down, Sally?"
Sally:
"Well coach, it goes clear down to my balls, which is another thing I wanted
to speak with you about."

Confucius Say:
Woman who gives away free potato chips,
Will offer you a free Lay.

The dove is the bird of peace,
But
The swallow is the bird of true love.

Judy went to her gynaecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of
her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a
very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that," said Judy. "Could you just replace the
batteries?"

Schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week,
Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who
send text messages and e-mails have long forgotten the art of
capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category,
Please take note of the following statement --
"Capitalization is the difference between
Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse
And
Helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear one that?

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to
stick it out for one more year!

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"Doomed" ?

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*.
If you don't believe it, consider these weird deaths:


A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river
near Naples, Italy, in 1983.
He managed to break a window,
Climb out and swim to shore --
Where a tree blew over and killed him.


Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas
Was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges
When the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing
him.


Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England,
Was so afraid of dentists that in 1979,
 He asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in
the jaw.
The punch caused Hallas to fall down,
Hitting his head,
And
 He died of a fractured skull.


George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I.,
Narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for
one wall.
After treatment for minor injuries,
He returned to the scene to search for files.
The remaining wall then collapsed on him,
Killing him.


Depressed since he could not find a job,
42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun
in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981.
His wife pleaded for him not to do it,
And
After about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor.
It went off and killed his wife.


In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin,
Presumed dead of heart disease.
As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up.
Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured,
But lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend
he was hurt so he could collect insurance money.
The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.


Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium,
A thief fled out the back door,
Clambered over a nine-foot wall,
Dropped down and found himself in the city prison.


In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan,
Was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast,
When he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof.
The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road,
Another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter.
It too drove on.
As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman,
A delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured
bystanders
And
An even more battered Bob Finnegan.
When a fourth vehicle came along,
The crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan.
In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken
pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries.
Hospital officials said he would recover.


While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside,
Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were
coming down.
While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat,
Which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate.
A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti,
Followed in short order by a man in a sports car.
When the train roared through the crossing,
The horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm.
Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the
head.
In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began
scuffling with the motorcyclist.
The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement,
Backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports- car.
At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray.
The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men.
As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled.
At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the
claims.


Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy
fog near the small town of Guetersloh.
Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the centre of the road.
At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they
smacked together.
Both men were hospitalised with severe head injuries.
Their cars weren't scratched.


In a classic case of one thing leading to another,
Seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to
four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979
After a fight that started when one of the men threw a French fry at another
while they stood waiting for a train.


Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by
giving her a good scare,
Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had
hanged himself.
When his wife came home and saw him she fainted.
Hearing a disturbance,
 a neighbour came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses,
seized the opportunity to loot the place.
As she was leaving the room, her arms laden,
The outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside.
This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack.
Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter
And
He and his wife were reconciled.

An unidentified English woman,
According to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one
afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven.
Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a
noise at the door.
Thinking it was the baker,
And
Knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if
she didn't answer his knock,
The woman darted into the broom cupboard.
A few moments later she heard the back door open and,
To her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the
cupboard.
It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter.
"Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker."
The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

The miner's wife hated his craft
After years, she acted quite daft
When he filed for divorce
The judge asked his source
"My wife won't go down near my shaft"


Gypsies have to be careful when they're making love
Because they have crystal balls

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up with a
striking but quite small and slim young woman.
They got on famously and ended up in bed.
She told him she was a jockey and that, if he came to the races at Randwick
that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving
him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In race 2, she rode out rubbing both her breasts.
The bloke looked through the race book and found
"Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5 to 1.
It won by 2 lengths.
"Shit, this is great" he thought.
In race 4, she rode out rubbing her fingers around her eyes.
He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10 to 1 and was 5 grand in front.
In the last race she came out standing in the stirrups and rubbing her
crotch.
He backed nothing.
After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races
2 & 4.
"What about "Itchy Mickey" in the last at 66-1?" she asked.
"Damn it, he said,
"I thought you were telling me the c*nt was scratched".

Animal Rights supporters are more violently opposed to fur than to leather
Because its safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

A blonde goes into a laundromat and as KS to have her sweater cleaned.
The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says,
"Come again?"
The blonde blushes slightly and giggles,
"oh, no it's just mustard this time."

Automate:
To have sex in a car

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman,
"Do you know what your gasholder does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids"

Drive-in movie:
Wall-to-wall car petting.

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says,
"I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says,
"Well, the first 100% you can guess. In addition, he burned his tongue and
broke his finger."

A woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat.
They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

A man was out for a leisurely walk one day, when he came to this big house
in a nice neighbourhood.
Suddenly, he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn.
Then, he noticed another couple behind a tree, and yet another couple behind
some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the front door of the house, and knocked.
A well-dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked curiously,
"I could help but notice all the activity on your front lawn. What kind of a
place is this?"
"This is a brothel," replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today!"

What's worse than a piano that's out of tune?
An organ that stops working in the middle of a piece!

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How America works lately .

Let's see if I understand how America works lately . . .

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap
while driving,
She blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself,
You blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain
You blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
You blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin
was dirty,
You blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit
And
Tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet,
And
The passengers kill him instead,
The mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this
computer,
I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK??

(I can't wait for the lawsuit)

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

If the skirts got any shorter"
Said the typist with a blush.
"There'd be two more cheeks to powder
And lots more hair to brush!"
(Bob Hope)

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather.
Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one
day.
Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.
Shocked and furious to see her daughter's friend with his mouth in her
crouch, she said
"You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home!"
Mary replied,
"But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"

Men are like bananas.
The older they get,
The less firm they are.

I recently hired a temp to fill in while my secretary was off for six months
on maternity leave.
Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked her what she expected to
earn.
The temp replied,
"Well, the minimum I could possibly work for is four hundred a week."
I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.
The temp shook her head and replied,
"With 'pleasure,' it'll be $600 a week."

A woman came over to look at her boyfriend's unfurnished apartment.
She was floored.

The manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood
received this testimonial from a little old lady who lived on a farm in
Tennessee:
"Before taking your tonic," the woman wrote, "I was too tired to hoe the
fields or pick the cotton. But after only two bottles of your delicious
mixture, I've become the best cotton-picking hoer in the county."

A one-story cat house makes more money than a two-story cat house,
Because,
There's no fuckin' overhead.

There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what
they would like to be when birthed and grown up.
The first one said
"I wanna be a plumber."
The others laughed at this, and asked,
"Why a plumber?"
He replied,
"So I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."
The second one said,
"I wanna be an electrician."
The others laughed at this and asked,
"Why an electrician?"
He replied,
"So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said,
"I wanna be a boxer."
The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes,
before asking,
"Why in G*d's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied,
"So I can beat the Hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and
spitting on us!"

Giving a Blow Job is a win/lose situation.
He may have you on your knees,
But
You have him by the balls!

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two
tampons.
Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,
 "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded,
"Nah, they're stuck up cunts."

The difference between a modern woman and a 90's computer is
A modern woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

A young Amish girl, big and busty
Would travel the valley quite lusty
And she made out right
Three or four Mennonite
Would keep her from getting too rusty.

The newlyweds always showered before having intercourse.
They wanted to come clean.

Roger said,
"Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like."
"Okay," said his buddy. "Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on
looks, but she gives an incredible blow job. Suzie is pretty and has a
perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high
heels."
"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."

Two writers collaborated on a book about sanitary napkins.
They were coauthors of a co-text.

An infant boy was recently born without any eyelids.
The doctors circumcised him, and used the skin for new eyelids.
"Wow. The surgery was successful, but he is a little cock eyed," the surgeon
said. "Think of the foresight he'll have."

A guy came home from work,
"Honey, where are you?"
"I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered.
"I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled.
"What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?"

One day, this old man was about to have sex with an eighteen-year-old girl,
who he did not know.
The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is
he putting one on.
She said
"You don't have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too old,
and you don't have to worry about catching anything because you are going to
die pretty soon anyway."
The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up at the girl and
said,
"Young girl the reason I am putting on this condom isn't because I am afraid
of getting you pregnant or catching anything. I just like the scent of
burning rubber."

Men fall asleep immediately after sex
So women can masturbate and finish the job off properly!

At the mah-jongg game, a matron was bragging to her club members.
"That old goat of a husband of mine can't spend a dime without my consent.
My lawyer drew up an agreement that will hold up 100% in any court. And when
he dies, I get every cent under his last will and testicles."
"You must mean testament," said one of the ladies. "When I say testicles, I
mean testicles," laughed the woman. "Even after he's buried, I'll still have
him by the balls!"

A couple that hooked up over the Internet got the shock of their lives when
they finally met and found out that they were husband and wife!
They were cheating on each other with each other!

A Korean, an Italian and a Texan were sitting around a table in a cafe one
day discussing their wives.
"My wife is so dumb," stated the Korean, "She went out and bought a whole
side of beef, and we don't even have a refrigerator!"
"My wife is so dumb," followed the Italian, "She bought a brand new
Mercedes, and she doesn't even have a driver's license!"
"Well, I got you all beat," chimed in the Texan. "My wife is so dumb that
she took a whole box of condoms to a secretaries' convention last week-end,
and she doesn't even have a penis!"

Food has replaced sex in my life,
Now, I can't even get into my own pants.

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"in the old days."

The Washington Post recently had a contest wherein participants were asked
to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it "in the old
days."
Winners, runners-up, and honourable mentions are listed below.

Second Runner-Up:

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot.
In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.

First Runner-Up:

In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff.
No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s
always skipped,
So, to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something
like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small,
So, we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to
the record player arm
So, that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because
those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in
those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.

And the winner:

In my day, we didn't have rocks.
We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our
heads.

Honourable Mentions:

In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants.
Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with
potatoes.

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators.
We had to do addition on our fingers.
To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.

In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying,
'Doors closing.'
We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it
scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody
stump at the end.
But the base fare was only a dollar.

In my day, we didn't have water.
We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

Kids today think the world revolves around them.
In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on
the back of a giant tortoise.

Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired, Liberal
80-year-old guys.
It was a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.

In my day, we didn't have virtual reality.
If a one-eyed razorback Barbarian warrior was chasing you with an axe, you
just had to hope you could outrun him.

Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity.
We had to watch television by candlelight.

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X The Cow and Bull Story

Little Johnny is visiting his Granddad on the farm.

He races into the farmhouse and yells excitedly to his Granddad: 'Hey
Granddad, the bull is f**king the cow'.


Granddad informs Johnny that he won't tolerate this sort of playground
language on his farm and that in future if Johnny wants to inform him about
such things he should say something like 'Granddad the bull is surprising
the cow.'

A few weeks later Johnny is again visiting the farm. Once again he comes
racing in and yells: 'Granddad the bull is surprising the cows.'

Granddad says to Johnny: 'I'm pleased to hear that after my conversation
with you a few weeks ago you have cleaned up your language. However, your
grammar is not quite correct. It is not 'the bull is surprising the cows'.
It is 'the bull is surprising the cow'. The bull can only surprise one cow
at a time'.

Johnny replies: 'No Granddad, the bull is surprising all the cows because
he's f**king the horse!'

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Politically Incorrect British Humour!

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water
cannons on rioters. They are putting in some Persil to stop the coloureds
running.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that
not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The vast
majority are drug dealers and rapists.

Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles every
day for food and 10 miles every day for medicine for him and his family.
This is because the idiot and all his mates torched the Peckham Spar,
Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he has to walk to Croydon
for his breakfast.

Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over £1 million worth of
improvements.

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her
forehead and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in  Birmingham ,
Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and  London .
Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But
since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works
a treat!

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Dont trust em ..

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus

load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little
old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts,which

he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him
another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times...

When she is about to hand him another

batch again ....he asks the little old lady,

'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'



It pays to be careful around old people !!!!

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Life is all about ass!
You are either:
Covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Behaving like one,
Or
Living with one.

The secret to a happy marriage to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
It's also important to find a woman that earns good money.
And it's important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
It's very important that these three women never meet.

Voyeurs:
People who need peepholes.

Jill walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the fact that
they are about to be audited during the coming month.
Says the first guy with a groan,
"I'm screwed!"
"I'm screwed, too!" says the other guy, slapping his forehead.
"Guys, I am about to be fucked beyond all recognition by this audit!"
exclaims the third guy in anguish.
Just then, one of the guys notices Jill who has been standing there
listening.
She now has a very thoughtful look on her face.
"Are you OK?" asks the guy.
"Yes," replies Jill, "but I was wondering how do I go about getting
audited?"

I keep telling my wife,
"It's not cheating on you with your sister, It's making love to you by
proxy." Some women just don't understand.

In an after-dinner discussion with other members of London's Hellfire Club,
the eighteenth-century English prelate George Selwyn was told a story about
a father, son, and grandson who had all shared the same mistress, passing
her on from generation to generation.
While most members of the group considered this quite remarkable, one member
of the club casually remarked,
"There's nothing new under the sun."
Selwyn quipped:
"Nor under the grandson."
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

An old gentleman wearing a beat-up leather-flying jacket sat down at the
Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the man and asked,
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied,
"Well, I've spent my whole life flying; biplanes, cubs, Aeroncas, T-6s, flew
in W WII in a B-25, and later Sabre Jets in the Korean conflict. I taught 50
people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so yes, I guess I am a pilot."
She said,
"I'm a Lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as
I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think
about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems
everything makes me think of naked women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old
pilot and asked,
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied,
"I always thought I was, but I just found out I am a Lesbian."

The ref called a penalty during the Leper hockey game because there was a
face off in the corner.

The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the congregation,
"Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do something about people
parking behind the church at night. I was out there this morning and there
are enough beer cans out there to build a car."
One of the old sisters stood up and said,
"Amen, Brother, and enough rubber for the tires."

Sometimes I lie in bed with insomnia, thinking of all the things I did wrong
in my life.
I end up counting sheep.
All the sheep I've screwed.

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Group therapy..

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
five young mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother,
Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum,
Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in
your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.'

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and
Sherry. You even called the cat, "Whisky"

He then turned to the fourth Mum, June: "Your obsession is
with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy.

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took
her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick,
this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick
up Fanny and Willy and go home.'

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a fellow named Clyde,
Who fell in a privy and died...
He had a young brother,
Who fell in another,
And now they're interred side by side.

How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil

The actress Betsy Drake, who was once married to Cary Grant, was invited to
attend a party on the opulent yacht of the Greek shipping tycoon Aristotle
Onassis.
While sitting at the bar, someone said,
"Did you know that the bar stool you are sitting on comes from the skin of a
whale's penis?"
Ms. Drake jumped up in mock surprise and exclaimed:
"Oh my God! Moby's dick!"

Zipper:
A Penis Fly Trap.

Two guys were at a circus fair and were trying some of the rides when they
came to the bungee jump.
One says to the other,
"How about it?"
The other replies,
"No way! I came in to this world cuz of a broken rubber and I'm not leaving
it the same way!"

Democrats generally have more children than Republicans.
Who ever heard of anyone enjoying a good piece of elephant?

The janitor in a Jewish synagogue collected the cut-off pieces after each
Bris (circumcision) was performed.
He realized it was a shame to throw them away and thought that they could be
turned into something useful.
So, he walked into a cobbler's shop, dropped a load of them onto the
counter, and asked the cobbler to make him a wallet.
The cobbler asked him to come back tin a week.
When he did, he was overwhelmed with his foreskin wallet.
It had beautiful stitching, plenty of pockets for holding cards and cash and
was the best wallet he had ever seen.
"How much for your work?" he inquired.
"$100" said the cobbler.
"$100?" gasped the janitor. "But I can buy a new, top of the line wallet for
$40."
"That's true," replied the cobbler, "but this one is special. When I gave it
a quick polish and shine last night, it turned into a suitcase!"

Dorothy Parker named her pet canary Onan.
When people asked, as many did,
"Why did you name your canary Onan?"
She had a stock answer:
"Because he spills his seed upon the ground."

Doug married one of a pair of identical twin girls.
Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honour," Doug started, "Every once in a while my sister-in-law
would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical
looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge
said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honour. That's why I want
the divorce!"

I went to the restroom after lunch.
An associate was there at the sink.
I washed my hands then went over to the urinal.
He said,
"You wash your hands before you piss?"
I said,
"I just had KFC, I don't want my wife to tell me I taste like chicken."

What do you call a woman who puts her diaphragm in crooked?
"Mother"

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Keep the grey matter active.

1. Johnny's mother had three children.
The first child was named April.
The second child was named May.
What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and
he wears size 13 sneakers.
What does he weigh?

 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
What was the highest mountain in the world?

 4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by
four feet?

 5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the
summer.
How is this possible?

 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
Why not?

 8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

 9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what
place would you be in now?

 10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk
of the egg is white"?

 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other
field,
How many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?








Here are the Answers

1. Johnny's mother had three children.
The first child was named April.
The second child was named May.
What was the third child's name?

 Answer:
Johnny of course

 2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall,
and he wears size 13 sneakers.
What does he weigh?

 Answer:
Meat.

 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the
world?

 Answer:
Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this
are you?]

 4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by
four feet?

 Answer:
There is no dirt in a hole.

 5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

 Answer:
Incorrectly

 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the
summer.
How is this possible?

 Answer:
Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
Why not?

 Answer:
You can't take pictures with a wooden leg.
You need a camera to take pictures.

 8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

 Answer:
Same as is it now -
Barack Obama
[Oh, come on ...]

 9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what
place would you be in now?

 Answer:
You would be in 2nd.
Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

 10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk
of the egg is white"?

 Answer:
Neither,
The yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other
field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another
field?

 Answer:
One.
If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

 You can go back to sleep now...

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XX ADULT PUNS!

What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
Butter is difficult to spread.

My ex- is probably the dumbest man I've ever known.
He came into our bedroom one night holding a jalapeno pepper in his hand.
I said,
"Why in hell did you bring that pepper to the bedroom?"
He said,
"You told me to add spice to our sex life."

Aspic:
Rectal scratching.)

An army nurse went to bed eating popcorn.
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

A judge kept ruling that no pornographic movie could be offered one the
market.
Several enraged porn actors and actresses ganged up one him in a dark alley
and choked his honour to death.
Ever since he's been known as the star-strangled banner.

A reporter goes to a mental institution to do a story.
He's walking around when he sees a man swinging a baseball bat.
He walks up to him and asks,
"Buddy, What the heck are you doing?".
The man replies,
"I'm Babe Ruth. One more home run and I'm out of here."
The reporter just nods and walks on.
He sees another guy swinging a golf club on the other side of the room.
He walks over and says,
"Excuse me, but what the heck are you doing?"
The guy says,
"I'm Tiger Woods. One more hole in one and I'm out of here."
The reporter just nods and walks away.
Then, he sees another guy in the corner with a peanut on the end of his
penis.
He goes over and asks the guy what he thinks he's doing and the guy replies,
"I'm fucking nuts and I ain't ever getting out of here!"

The best blonde secretary in the world is
One that never misses a period.

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.
He says to his buddy at lunch,
"Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife one the shoulder,
gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! A little later I rolled
over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance.
Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly
in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. I gave her a
little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately
had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a
performance?"
"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

The constipated accountant couldn't budget.

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X NO HOLES BARRED

*Mr. Dickson asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2
holes
into 1 hole. Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids
to go home and ask their fathers.*


They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.****


*Look,* said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb,
forming a little zero. *This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can
put
my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.*


*Aaaaaaahhhhhh,* said the children, quite fascinated. They went home to
impress Pops with the answer.****

The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, ****

*Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1
hole.*

* ** Hmmmm,* he thought, How can you put 7 holes in 1??!! Well, I'll be
darned; *I don't know how to do that, son. Um, did your father tell you
how to?*****


*Yes,* said Little Johnny, *You take a flute and shove it up your ass!

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Being in the military is like a blow job.
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

A pair of stage-door Johnnies are ogling the cuties who are leaving the
dressing room.
"Do you see that redhead over there? I feel like banging her again."
"Wow," said his buddy, "Do you mean to tell me you've been doing it with
that great looking broad?"
"No, I felt like it before, and I feel like it now."


A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and
mixed emotions, when he turned to his wife and said,
"Honeey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me something that will
make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said,
"You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

Gynaecologist:
A spreader of old wives' tails.

A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an
old friend approached her.
The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said,
"What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks JUST like his father."
"I know," replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"


An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold,
blustery January day.
The daughter said to the mother,
"My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied,
"Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."
So, the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend said,
"My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter replied,
"Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the
daughter.
He said,
"My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter replied,
"Put it between my legs. It will warm up."
He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he
said,
"My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she
says to her mother,
"Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned mother says,
"Sure, why do you ask ?"
The daughter says,
"Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over again.
GARBAGE COLLECTORS come once a week.

A man's balls had turned brown and he was worried so he made an appointment
with his doctor.
When he got home from the appointment he sat down in his chair in the living
room.
He hollered for his wife to come from the kitchen.
After a while when she didn't come he hollered again.
After the third time she hollered back,
"I haven't got time. I am fixing dinner; I have clothes here to iron, the
baby is crying and needs changed. I don't even have time to wipe my ass."
He said,
"That's what I want to talk to you about."

What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Come in five flavours

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PARAPROSDOKIANS

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in
which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected;
frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you
why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is
a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car. Amen

And mine is.........
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me
to find one now.

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Don't fart in Harrods- oldie but still good

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to
look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow
missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this
lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who walked around belly-to-belly.
It seems in their haste,
They used Carter's paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.


You can tell if a bride is horny when she comes walking down the aisle.

Beau and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came
across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.
"Boy," said Beau, "that sight sure makes me want to do the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."

Have you heard about the gigolo in the leper colony?
Everything was fine until his business started falling off.

Lorraine was driving through a town in Montana and stopped Little Johnny, to
ask where she could find a taxidermist.
Little Johnny said he did not think there was any there.
She said, "Are you sure?"
At that, he admitted he did not know what the word meant.
Therefore, she explained that a taxidermist is a man who mounts animals.
Little Johnny said,
"Oh hell, we have got plenty of them around here, only we call them
sheepherders!"

One of the dancers from the strip joint disappeared last week and hasn't
been obscene since.

I was telling a girl in the bar about my uncanny ability to guess the day a
woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then. Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
I took my hands from her chest and replied,
"Yesterday?

They say that with sex you burn off as many calories as running 3 miles.
Who the hell runs 3 miles in 30 seconds?

A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says
"Howdy. How you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?"
"Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?"
"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will
screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens."
He interrupts in a very indignant tone,
"CHICKENS?!"

Confucius say,
"Sheep shagging wrecks lives but makes ewe happy"

I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden
this cat jumped out in front of me.
I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump,
So I stopped.
There was the cat lying right in the road.
It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of
the tire had cut it off.
A lady came running out of a house screaming,
"You killed my cat!"
I told her,
"No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll fix that."
I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped
the cat's tail back on.
The lady immediately blushed and called the cops.
A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket.
Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted.
What a bummer.
All for retailing pussy in a residential area.

At a drugstore counter:
"Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?"
"Don't miss me, mister!"
"Well then, you better make it thirteen."

"I really don't know what you see in him, Susan," said the young trial
lawyer to her lunch companion. "He's just an everyday sort of man."
"Well, Jeez," Susan said, putting down her fork and giving her friend a
look.
"What more could a girl ask for?"

A gay masochist is:
A sucker for punishment.

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For all train travellers . . .

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the
Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service
on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in
the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system
is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service
and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.  The only mode of
transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in
the last two years.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

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XX ADULT PUNS!

"Let's try it this new way," said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
"I should be affronted,
But this time I'm taken aback!"

A blonde woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about
condoms.
She answered,
"Well, that depends on what's in it for me.

A travelling salesman on business in West Virginia met a young lady in a
bar, and invited her to his room.
As she was disrobing, he said,
"Say, how old are you?"
"Thirteen." she said.
"Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now and
get out of here!"
On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him, and
said,
"You're superstitious, right?"

The difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised is
When you get a divorce,
You get rid of the whole prick!

Nurse Jennings was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor
spotted her.
The supervisor couldn't believe it:
Her hair was unkempt,
Her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment,
Her breasts were hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not
only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed?"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's
those darned interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through
using it!"

When arrested as a Peeping Tom at the girl's dorm,
The graduate student stated his graduate advisor recommended that he study a
broad this semester.

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that
showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive
boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door.
Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked,
"Is that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly,
"Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

Necrophillia:
That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest,
"I'm pregnant."
He asked,
"How did this happen, my child?"
She said,
"I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked,
"What makes you think it's the second coming?"
 She replied,
"Because I swallowed the first one."

When I travel one an airplane,
I like to be served TWA milk and TWA coffee.
But I love to be served TWA tea.

A man's walking late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before,
So, he decides what the hell.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden alight flashes one
them.
It's a police officer.
"What's going one here, people," asks the officer?
"I'm making love to my wife," he answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know," says the cop.
"Well, neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

I was recently born again.
It was a deeply  spiritual and glorious experience.
I can't say  my mother enjoyed it a whole lot.

Mrs. Grednick, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her
weight-watchers meeting.
"My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a
woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that? You'll feel better, too."
"You don't understand. He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn
meetings."

An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their
age, the old man said,
"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

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