Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com: 2009

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Euthanaisa...

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking
about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I said to her:'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally
dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that
state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping
me alive, I'd much rather die'.
Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration
towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish,
the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and
then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
....I ALMOST DIED!!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Room 5 in Heaven

A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
He was asked, "Religion?"
"Hindu" the man says.
He was told, "Go to Room 3, but be very quiet as you pass Room 5."

Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
"Religion?"
"Buddhist"
"Go to Room 4, but be very quiet as you pass Room 5."

A third man arrives at the gates.
"Religion?"
"Christian"
"Go to Room 9, but be very quiet as you pass Room 5."

A fourth man arrives at the gates.
"Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to Room 7, but be very quiet as you pass Room 5."

The Jew asked, "I can understand there being different rooms for
different religions, but why must we all be quiet when we pass Room
5?"

"Well, the Muslims are all in Room 5 and they think that they're the
only ones here!"

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Irish Jokes.

Some classic.. Some new... But all GOOD

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand clutches his chest and drops
dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks,
'Oh me Boys someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws.
Paul Gallagher picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet be gentle don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares,
'Your husband just lost $500and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!'says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

***********************************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run
over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner' says Sean 'He couldn't do that to you he must
have had something in his hand.'
'That he did' says Paddy 'a shovel is what he had and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well' says Sean 'you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did', said Paddy 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty
it was but useless in a fight.'

************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
the city one night and of course, his car is weaving violently all
over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
'So' says the cop to the driver 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course' slurs the drunk.
'Well' says the cop 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening.'
'I did all right' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know' says the cop standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, 'that a few intersections back your wife fell out of
your car?'
'Oh! Thank heavens' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there I thought I'd
gone deaf.'

**********************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course, you can come in you're always welcomeTim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya Brenda.
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh,God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally,she looked up at Tim.
'How did it happenTim?'
'It was terrible Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me trueTim did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda no. In fact he got out three times to pee.'

**************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service
and she's in tears.
He says,
'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says,
'Oh, Father I've got terrible news.. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says,
'Oh, Mary that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says
'That he did Father.'
The priest says.
'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says,
'He said' Please Mary. Put down that damn gun..'

**************************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church enters a confessional booth
sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles,
'Ain't no use knockin there's no paper on this side either.'

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Oh to be Irish

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

His father, grandfather and great-grandfather, had all been able to
walk on water on their 21st birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on
the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Murphy,
took a boat out to the middle of the lake; Paddy stepped out of the
boat...... and nearly drowned!
Murphy just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
He asked, "It's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake
like my pappy, his pappy, and his pappy before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled eyes and said,
"Because your father, grandfather, and your great-grandfather were
born in January when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July you
dumb ass."

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

FIFTY THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN THE LAST DECADE

1. ALTERNATIVE medicines take flight

2. AIRPORT - shoe removal becomes mandatory

3. ANTIVIRUS – Daily Vitamins for survival

4. APPs - always there for everything you need

5. AGING - They are hooked on slowing it down

6. BLACKBERRY was only a fruit ten years ago

7. BLOG for a living

8. BOOK CLUBS grab the Publishers (thanks to Oprah)

9. CABLE News kills Network News

10. CLIMATE CHANGE will freeze us all

11. DIGITAL CAMERAS exterminate the film roll

12. CELEBRITY CULTURE comes alive

13. CELL PHONES are a part of the dress code

14. CHEFS are hot

15. CONNECTED – that's what you are, all of the time

16. COUGAR comes to town

17. CROCS, the shoes you love to hate

18. DANCE mania hits across TV

19. DATING Online is Hip

20. DVR'ing is a Verb. Who needs a TV program guide anymore?

21. EMBARASSMENT ENTERTAINMENT takes over the funnies

22. ERP – Even the corner store wants one

23. FACEBOOK is everyone's early morning prayer

24. FAT becomes the enemy of the State

25. FOODIE's galore – Even the Prez is one now

26. GOING GREEN – Yep, that's where we are going

27. GOOGLE – You just can't search anything without it

28. GPS – Never get lost anywhere

29. INFORMATION OVERLOAD

30. INSTANT GRATIFICATION

31. IPOD – A hundred million singing along

32. MUSICALS are back

33. ORGANIC is here to stay, big time

34. PHISHING – Doesn't need a rod and line

35. PREGNANCY CHIC – showing the bulge

36. REALITY TV – The real thing, live

37. RECESSION – an old word with many new flavors

38. SEXTING – Cell Phone + Camera

39. SPAM – Everyone understand what it means now

40. STARBUCKS – How can you not be an addict?

41. TATTOOS – skin tight

42. TEXTING – new age lingo

43. PLASMA – Big is beautiful

44. TWEEN CULTURE – an expensive pastime for parents

45. TWEETS – that old birdie is back, again

46. WAR is necessary

47. WII – Don't ask me why

48. WIKI – Mother of all Copy n Pastes

49. YOGA – Bend, bend, bend

50. YOUTUBE – You gotta see to believe

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Rocket science

Scientists at Rolls Royce, England built a gun specifically to launch
dead chickens at the wind shields of airliners and military jets all
travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the wind shields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the Wind shields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter-proof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the wind shield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

Monday, December 21, 2009

XX -The vibrator ................

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange
buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other
side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to
a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,of all places, the living
room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV..
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f.. are you doing ?'
The husband replied : 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'

Sunday, December 20, 2009

GIGGLES, SNORTS, AND GUFFAWS

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister . . . .
And now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
And to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ..
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir ..
Mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife,
You'll become happy;
If you get a bad one,
You'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which,
If treated with firmness and kindness,
Can be trained to do most things;
~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his
Diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing.
It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
People would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness .
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires...
But it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its
way through Congress.
~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...
As you grow older,
It will avoid you.
~Winston Churchill.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ...
Spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal

Why men are never depressed

Men Are Just Happier People…

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because
this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires
only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is R39.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You neverhave strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife..

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

X -TIGERICKS!!!

There once was a golfer named Tiger,
Chasing Birdies he always savored.
He hit 13 holes too many,
Now he's losing his penny,
And all it took was a Niner.

Tiger, the world-class putter,
A swinging life was his bread n butter.

Young service dames,
Was his alternate game.

Now he's going nutter.

Other golfers may have wished for his life,
Hoped that they had strokes alike.
But Tiger never told them,
How to play the game.

They are saved but he's in great strife.

Twas the night of Thanksgiving,

From the house he came out a flying.

Chased by his spouse.

She sure had a grouse.
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.

He'd been cheatin' on Elin for ages,

As the story juicily progresses.
Woman after woman

Are stepping up and a cummin.

A high price to pay as his wages.

He'd been cheatin' with Holly, Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika, that's the strory.

From the basement of blues,
The tale was breaking news.
With hostesses and waitresses, so merry.

Art the end of the day his pretext,

Was caught through a blackberry text.
All his cryin' and beggin'

and weepin' and pleadin',

Couldn't get him back to his nest.

Elins gone on big investin'

In a massive mansion in Sweden.
And we heard her exclaim,

from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid then I'm receivin'."

Friday, December 18, 2009

A nice one for Christmas...

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer
each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of
winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,
EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known ….. .
ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man
in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Another Little Johnny.

It is near the Christmas break of the school year.

The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing
more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself: "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said, 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said, 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of
the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Grand-children's Stories.

1. She was in the bathroom putting on her makeup under the watchful
eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave the little one said,
"But Gramma you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about
kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was and I told him 62.
My grandson was quiet for a moment and then he asked,
"Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious her
patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room
putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the rooms she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire it
hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed taking this all in.
At last she said
"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo and I said,
"No, how are we alike?''
"You're both old" he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor.
She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know" she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet so I
decided to test her.
I would point out something and ask what colour it was.
She would tell me and was always correct.
It was fun for me so I continued.
At last, she headed for the door saying,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects.
Still a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did Billy whispered,
"It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I wasI teasingly replied.
"I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear Grandpa" he advised "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma guess what?
We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother more than a little surprised tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting" she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple" replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'I and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic:
"Give me a sentence about a public servant" said a teacher.
The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure" said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back" said one child.
"No" said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs" she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh" he said, "she lives at the airport and when we want her we just
go get her.
Then, when we're done having her visit we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth!
He teaches me good things but I don't get to see him enough to get as
smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny!
When they bend over you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Blondes - Stupid?? But why??

Today's query -

Why are blondes considered to be stupid by some people?
What's the history behind this stereotype?

The blonde stereotype has changed dramatically over the centuries, and
the latest incarnation is the "stupid" image.

The short answer to your question would be that it's a combination of
historical stereotype, bad press, and human nature.

The long answer is more interesting.

Let's start with history.

Blonde hair is a recessive trait, and therefore somewhat rarer than
brown or black hair.
That has traditionally made it desirable.
A quick perusal of art verifies this.

Browse a book of Renaissance art, and count the blondes.
You'll see a good number of blondes, even coming from the
Mediterranean, where most people have darker skin and hair.

For that matter, check out all the reference to golden-haired Greek
and Roman deities.
The locals of both those areas tend to be beautifully olive-skinned
and brunette, with blondes showing only very rarely.

Whenever someone has the good fortune to be favoured by society purely
because of how they were born, those not so favoured are likely to
resent them.

Especially over time.

By the mid-nineteenth century, blondes were considered seductive,
conniving, sinful, and evil.
Short stories and novels--and especially the three-volume wonders so
enjoyed by young women of the time--often pitted a virtuous young
brunette against a wicked, deceitful blonde.
(The opposite of what we often see on television today!)

This stereotype held for a few years, until bleaching came into vogue.
Suddenly, brunettes had the world of blondness opened to them, and,
like magic, the evil blonde image vanished.
Blondes were considered cute and innocent.
(Remember all those pixie-like platinum blonde silent movie stars?)

In those early days of hair dying, bleaching your hair blonde was much
trickier than it is today.
Ingredients were often expensive, and they are pretty volatile.
Add too much peroxide, for example, and you risk burning your scalp
(or ending up bald). Usually, the very-fair, bottle blondes, then,
were the women who could afford it.
Being a bottle-blonde marked you as, well, if not exactly wealthy, at
least well-off enough that you could buy such luxuries.

Blondeness became associated with wealth and social status.

By the mid-twentieth century, dyeing your hair was much cheaper, but
the image of blondes as rare and desirable still held sway.

Blondes (including bottle-blondes) were often seen as social climbers,
cashing in on their wholesome attractiveness to join the socialite
sect and raise their status.
The party circuit became populated with fair-haired beauties.

(Blondes have more fun, after all!)

These party-girls often made their money and their reputations as
trophy wives or by upgrading lovers.
Rumours abounded, and blondes became seen as women who slept their way
to the top.

The implication, then is that not only are blondes "loose," but their
good looks are all they have available to them.
They can't work their way to the top by virtue of their minds (and
therefore, their minds aren't all that great).

The fact that so many of the wealthy, happy-go-lucky upper crust were
blondes only added to the virulence of such stereotypes by adding an
element of jealousy.
All of this was cemented and spread by blonde jokes, which prey on
these feelings to spread an image of blondes as stupid, vapid, and
slutty.

Certain famous (or infamous?) blonde celebrities have also
contributed, most recently, dippy blondes like Jessica Simpson and
Anna Nicole Smith.

There you have it.

Blondes are seen as stupid because of reaction against the old image
of blonde as beautiful, class jealousy, their image of being sexual
promiscuous, and the contributions of the rich, famous, and
air-headed.

But I still love em .. ...Drat!!!

Don't Be So Serious!

1. Save the whales.
Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like . . .
Night.

3. On the other hand . . .
You have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. Eagles may soar,
But weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

10. The early bird may get the worm,
But the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

12. I intend to live forever...
So far so good.

13. Borrow money from a pessimist -
They don't expect it back.

14. Quantum mechanics:
The dreams stuff is made of.

15. Support bacteria -
They're the only culture some people have.

16. When everything's coming your way,
You're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

25. Change is inevitable . . .
Except from vending machines.

26. Get a new car for your spouse -
It'll be a great trade!

27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

28. How many of you believe in telekinesis?
Raise my hand...

29. Love may be blind
But marriage is a real eye-opener.

30. If at first you don't succeed,
Then skydiving isn't for you.

XX - Adult Puns.

Truman Capote was drinking one evening with friends in a Key West bar.
At a nearby table sat an inebriated couple.
When the woman recognized Capote, she approached him and asked for an
autograph. The woman's husband, in a display of drunken jealousy,
staggered over to Capote's table, unzipped his trousers, and in
Capote's own words, "hauled out his equipment. "
As the man did this, he bellowed,
'Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?'"
A hush fell over the room, allowing everybody in the bar to hear
Capote's soft, high pitched voice reply,
"I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it..."

35% of all gay men were born that way.
The rest got sucked into it.

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said,
"Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said,
"You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft
for the rest of the night."

Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.

Joe and Tom were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," Joe said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" Tom asked.
Joe replied,
"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"

When I was 17, my mother remarried and moved to Tulsa Oklahoma,
leaving me alone to finish my senior year of high school in the little
town where we lived.
She was only about an hour away and I was very responsible for my age.
My girlfriend had decided to stay the night one Saturday.
On Sunday morning we woke up and started to have sex.
We got very involved and she started screaming very loudly, then we
heard the toilet flush in the next room - my mother had come home for
a Sunday lunch!
When we finally got the courage to come out of the bedroom, my mother
was sitting at the dining room table and asked
"Did your father have the whole sex talk with you before we got divorced?"
He hadn't, but as most kids did at that time we learned in school, I said
"No mom, he did not." to which she replied,
"I didn't think so, we were married for 28 years and he never made me
scream like that!"

Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop
to pick-up her Mom.
She wasn't quite ready,
So, they sat down and waited.
Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out,
"My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"

Did you hear about the gay who placed a condom on each ear?
He didn't want to get hearing aids.

A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel attached to his groin.
He orders a grog, and as the bartender pours it he says,
"Cap'n - forgive me - but what's with the wheel?"
Pirate replies,
"Arrrrr - it's drivin' me nuts!"

When you're sex ting,
Are you trying to get your phone off?

A pretty, young, blond woman in Vancouver was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young seaman saw her teetering on the edge of the
pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said,
"Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning.
If you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of
you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The blonde nodded.
What did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the ship.
From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit
every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, the blonde was discovered by the Captain during a
routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the seamen," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Hawaii and in return he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Nanaimo ferry."

XX - Adult Puns.

A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill.
Near the end she said,
'And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head
between your legs.' Eunice said to her boy friend Jeff,
"I can't bend that far these days!"
Jeff replied with a smile,
"Well then, you'll just have to put your head between my legs."
Eunice looked wide-eyed at her boy friend, and asked,
"If my head were between your legs, where could you put your head?"
"My love," replied Jeff, "if you've got your head between my legs, I
won't give a damn where my head is!"

I sez to him,
"I clearly have your number! You only want me for my body! What do you
say to that?"
He sez to me,
"Hmmmmmmmm... Let me sleep on it."

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they
cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.
A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green
lump on the end of his penis.
The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical
book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for.
He looks up and says,
"I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"
"Operate?" exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"
"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed
the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

What is a woman with sperm on her glasses most likely to say?
"I saw that one coming..."

One day an inmate of a lunatic asylum broke out of his cell and after
wandering around unnoticed, entered the laundry department where he
found a lady worker at work.
He raped her and then managed to escape from the mental institution.
The next day, the local newspaper had this headline -
NUT SCREWS WASHER & BOLTS!

Teacher to his student:
"Give me the opposite of this sentence: Children in the dark make mistakes."
Student:
"Mistakes in the dark make children."

One day the parents of an fifteen-year- old boy and his fourteen-year-
old sister leave them alone together in the house.
The two kids begin talking about "it," and pretty soon they decide to
try doing "it" with each other.
After they're done, the boy says:
"Wow, you're even better than Mom!"
"I know," says the girl, "that's what Dad says too."

Blonde to postman delivering a package:
"Oh good. My dildo finally came and now so can I."

There were two teenage girls who decided they wanted to go into a
package store and see if they could buy some liquor.
So, they parked their car and one girl said to her friend,
"You wait here I'm going in to see if I can get us something to drink.
If I am not back in 15 minutes come in and look for me and see if
maybe I got busted and might need you to call my parents or
something."
So, the girl disappears into the store and 15 minutes goes by and the
second girl is getting worried about her friend so she goes to the
front door of the package store to see if she's ok and the door is
locked!
And all of the lights are off and no one is in sight.
She looks at her watch and says gee it's too early for the store to be
closed so she decides to go around to the back and try to get in that
way.
She goes to the backdoor, which is also locked, but it has a small window.
So, she peeks into the window and sees that the owner of the package
store has her friend tied up in a standing position with her arms over
her head and she is butt naked and the owner of the store is licking
her friend all over her body from head to toe.
She freaks out and says,
"OMG I better go call 911."
So she goes to a phone and calls the police and finally they get there
and they bang and bang on the door until the owner finally opens it.
They enter the store and tell the owner you better get this girl
dressed and out of here right away.
The girl says,
"But wait!! I want to press charges and the cops tell her,
"You can't press charges."
She says,
"He had me tied up naked"
He gets up and asks them why they are fighting.
The police say I am sorry you cannot press charges and the girls ask
again but why not? The police say because he has a "liquor license"!!

XX - Adult Puns.

Sadly neglected by her husband, a horny housewife turned to her
next-door neighbour for advice.
"Why don't you order your milk from the milkman" was the suggestion,
"and when the bill comes, see if you can settle it with sex."
This seemed like an excellent idea, and sure enough, when the bill was
presented, the milkman was delighted to settle for a long and
energetic screw.
Putting his pants back on, the milkman reached for the bill to mark it
"Paid in Full"
"Oh, no you don't," said the housewife, grabbing the bill.
"You brought me this milk a quart at a time, and that's the way I'm
gonna pay for it."

Santa comes but once each year.

George said to Mary,
"I'll bet you ten dollars that we could have the best sex that you
have ever had without me touching you."
"You're nuts," she said,
"Here is ten dollars that says you can't do that!"
They put the money on the mantelpiece.
That night George and Mary proceeded to have sex.
Reluctantly, Mary had to admit that it was the best sex that she could remember.
The next morning she exclaimed,
"Well, it may have been the best sex I've ever had... But you did
nothing BUT touch me!" George gave Mary the ten dollars and departed
with these words,
"So I lose."

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Mark fixed himself a martini to carry him through the ordeal of
waiting while Peggy got ready for their date, he could hear her
singing in the shower.
"Sorry I'm so late," she finally called out to him, "but I was
shopping and lost track of the time."
Clutching a large towel about her, he edged into the room.
"Would you like to see me in my new dress?" she asked.
Mark took appreciative note of her newly bathed charms straining at
the confines of the barely adequate towel.
"I would like," he said with a smile, "nothing better."

A Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac,
"Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."

A pregnant woman went to the gynaecologist, and when asked what was
the problem, she responded,
"Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."
Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked,
"Your nipples get hard?"
"Yes," quite innocently came her reply.
"Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc.
So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging,
trying to reach an answer.
After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said,
"Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice --
I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Judy went to her gynaecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to
perform a very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that" said Judy. "Could you just replace
the batteries?"

The prostitute with a degree in psychology really blows your mind.

Mom took little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. Said,
"How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny said,
"It's that damn neighbour girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp."

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Story of a Lawyer

The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from
the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made
an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that
even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't
give a cent to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... no, I didn't
know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled
Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support
his wife and six children?"

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

"Thirdly," the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my
sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her
penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children,
one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "'I'm
so sorry. I had no idea.'"

And then the lawyer said, "So, if I don't give any money to them, what
makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Sunday, December 13, 2009

A senior moment, GO GIRL GO

A SENIOR MOMENT: I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS !!!

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank.. The bank
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer,
of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an
arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight
years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas
I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now
on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer
is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date
to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New year.

Your humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman;

DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

X - Adult Puns.

A little boy came home from playing outside one day.
He was huffing and puffing, like he was winded.
All of sudden, the boy's father heard a kitten squalling like it was
extremely uncomfortable. He turned around and looked.
Sure enough, there's his son -- holding a kitten - obviously no more
than 6 weeks old! "What have you got there, son?"
"It's especially for you, Dad," the boy replied.
The father asked,
"What do you mean?"
"Remember the other night, you told Mom you wanted 'a little pussy? '
"Well, I heard you, and I went out and got you one!"

The spinster sold her bra because she was flat busted.

John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked,
"What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly.
"I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

Embarrassing Moments:
"Look, lover boy, $150 means $150.
I don't give a damn if that turned out to be $300 a minute."

"Did you know that Linda has become a vegetarian?"
"Really? Wow!"
"Yep, and she's become a lesbian, as well. I guess she doesn't want
'meat' of any kind!"

A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the
movies when his toupee slides off.
As he's groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up
under her skirt, and lands on her twat.
She says,
"That's it! That's it!"
He says,
"It can't be. I part mine on the side."

When you cross a rooster and a telephone pole you get a 40ft cock that
wants to reach out and touch someone.

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said,
"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
"Yes."
So I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.

The Latina gal who was an expert at oral sex was referred to as, "the
Gulp of Mexico!"

Scientists have developed a new pill that will now help impotent men
who are also hay fever sufferers.
By combining Allegra to take care of the allergies, and Viagra for the
impotency, it gives you an erection not to be sneezed at!

Height of Laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.

Exhibitionists don't retire because they would rather stick it out forever.

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my
husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see
what the problem is." "The problem is,she complained, "It wakes me
up!"

Friday, December 11, 2009

Who said car names don't have a meaning?

BMW Brings Me Women.

FIAT Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD For Only Rough Drivers.

HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive. ...

VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

PORSCHE Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

KIA Kills In Accidents.

OPEL Old People Enjoying Life.

TOYOTA The One You Only Trust Always.

GOLF/GTI Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside.

HONDA Hanged Over Now Driving Away.

Monday, December 07, 2009

The hardships of being a retired husband.

"Sage Advice From A Retired Husband"

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to
get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets
home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out
is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to
get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to
pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer
encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days.
That way, she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man.

I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as will make
one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Editor's Note:
Ron died suddenly on November 30th of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway Extra-long 50-inch
Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely
five inches of grip showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby.
His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
Accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally
sat down on his golf club.

A FEW THINGS THAT CAN DRIVE A SANE PERSON INSANE

*You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little
plastic thing in the middle of them.

*The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back
of your ankle.

*The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

*There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to
find an address.

*You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

*It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it
till you walk across your living room rug.

*The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

*There's a dog in the neighbourhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

*You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

*Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and
discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

*You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

*You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

*Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

*A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio
but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

*There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

*You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire
laundry comes out covered with lint.

*The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian
finish crossing.

*A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

*You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

*The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

*You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

*People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a
counter just opening up.

*Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

*You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary
because you don't know how to spell it.

*You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that
you're just browsing.

* You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

*You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash
your head on the way up.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Good ones

A Blonde's Year in Review

January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Hello,
bottles won't fit in printer.

March: Got really excited, finished jigsaw puzzle in six months. Box
said two-four years.

April: Trapped on escalator for hours. Power went out.

May: Tried to make Kool-Aid, wrong instructions. Eight cups of water
won't fit into those little packets.

June: Wanted to go water skiing. Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later the other
swimmers used their arms.

August: Got locked out of car in rainstorm. Car swamped because top was down.

September: The capital of California is "C" isn't it?

October: Hate M&Ms. They are so hard to peel.

November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said one hour per
pound, and I weigh 108.

December: Couldn't call 911. There's no 11 button on the stupid phone.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Something You're

Not Telling Me, Doc?

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed
has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the women replied, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

Friday, December 04, 2009

Comeback - WARNING A Bit Rude!

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he
had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman
you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would
lift itself."

The Laws of Ultimate Reality

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to
itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone
always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will
always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by
the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment
and you'll stay sick.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Puns for Perky People

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are
looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

Aussie Joke

An Australian tourist visiting Canada was speeding down a road when he
was pulled over by a traffic cop. The cop asked to see his license.
The driver handed over his Australian driver's license.
" Australian?", said the cop.
"You were doing 100 in a 50 zone. Did you come here to DIE?",
he asked.
"No", replied the Aussie.
"I came here yesterdie"!
---------------------------------------
The New Zealand accent is even stranger,
I once heard a New Zealander say, "she was wearing a reed dress."
Was this the kind of reed skirt worn by traditional Hawaiian, Maori
and Pacific Islanders?
No, nothing so exciting. He was simply saying,
"She was wearing a red dress" !

November is "Novimber"
I heard a New Zealand woman interviewed on radio. She said, "We do not
have much Sikhs on New Zealand TV."
Sikhs? On New Zealand TV? Why should there be Sikhs on New Zealand TV?
Then I realised what she was saying was,
"We do not have much sex on New Zealand TV" !

Monday, November 30, 2009

X - Adult Puns.

Just think, if the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of
a turkey, we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!

Sue lay sprawled in sweet exhaustion on the bed, wearing a red ribbon
in her bright blonde hair.
Beside her, wearing not even a ribbon, Mark slowly lit two cigarettes
and passed one to her.
For a long moment smoke and silence hung in the air.
Then:
"My mother always told me to be good," Sue said with a little smile. "Was I?"

Moby Dick:
A venereal disease.

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients
of their stutters and earn her PHD.
She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow
job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they
were born without stuttering.
The first man stood up and said,
"B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."
Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down.
The next guy stood and said,
"Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."
He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down.
The third guy stood and without hesitation said,
"Miami."
The female instructor fell to her knees and began performing oral sex
on the man.
After finishing, she looked up and said,
"What do you now have to say?"
He replied,
"B-b-b-b-b-b-Beach!"

Ninety percent of men who try Camels prefer women. (Richard Lederer).

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come."

Remember to use ALL fingers when waving at a police officer.

Truman Capote was drinking one evening with friends in a Key West bar.
At a nearby table sat an inebriated couple.
When the woman recognized Capote, she approached him and asked for an
autograph. The woman's husband, in a display of drunken jealousy,
staggered over to Capote's table, unzipped his trousers, and in
Capote's own words,
"hauled out his equipment."
As the man did this, he bellowed,
"Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?"
A hush fell over the room, allowing everybody in the bar to hear
Capote's soft, high pitched voice reply,
"I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Colonel Sanders was a typical male.
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other,
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going
to lose my fuckin' arse." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde
sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this
month, I'm going to lose my fuckin' car."

Bonus Puns.

Boy : Can I touch your software?
Girl : First, show me your hardware..
Boy : Should I install it in your system?
Girl : Cover it with anti-virus and then install..

A very sexy and attractive female employer meets her boss and says:
" Sir, will you please remove something from my breast?"
Boss: "Vow!! what's that?"
She : "Your eyes sir "

SEX :
It is science with wife..
It is an art with a girlfriend..
It is commerce with a prostitute..
And It is just a social service with Auntie's..

Sunday, November 29, 2009

My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for
many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting
woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities
at them all the
way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and
welcome to Walmart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman
stopped yelling long
enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9,
and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just
couldn't believe someone
slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

X - Adult Puns.

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

A little boy says to his mother,
"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied,
"Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party,
you're lucky you don't bark!"

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, he asks,
"How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies,
"Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says,
"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money-back!"

"I'm having a ball!", said the Queen.
"And If I had two I'd be King!"
And the King laughed, not because he wanted to, but because he had two."

After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a
suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table
where she was sat and said:
"What can I get you, gorgeous?"
The woman blushed and replied:
"If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the
woman's ear, "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"

After an evening at the theater and several nightcaps at an intimate
little bistro, the young man whispered to his date,
"How do you feel about making love to men?"
"That's my business," she snapped.
"Ah," he said, "A professional!"

A doctor had just delivered twin boys.
The head nurse brought them out for their father to see.
He could hardly believe his good fortune.
The twin boys were each enclosed in a blue blanket and cap.
He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe
they had finally arrived.
As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said,
"You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!"
With out missing a beat, he said proudly,
"You're telling ME I'm not sterile!"

Man to woman:
"Let's get something straight between us."

The company hires a new man.
He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up,
he calls his boss.
"I'm sick," he says.
Boss excuses him.
Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly
impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss.
"I'm sick," he says.
Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second
Monday in a row.
Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the
week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again.
"I'm sick."
Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into
his office. "What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard
worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in
sick every Monday."
Man says,
"Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her
every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we
end up making love all day long."
"Your sister?" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"
Man says,
"I told you I was sick."

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.
"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again."
"What dream?" asked the shrink, not really paying attention.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism, bestiality
and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead
horse?"

Two college women were discussing the date one had had the night before.
"Oh, Nancy, he was so erudite, and clever, and sophisticated.
"He speaks ten languages,
"Drives a Lamborghini,
"Took me to a Parisian restaurant and
"Ordered the meal and wine in French,
"Then, took me to his penthouse apartment to look over his Russian
book collection by the fireplace."
"Wow, Gail, he sounds fabulous! But just how far did he get with you?"
"Well, I really rather not say, but he was quite a cunning linguist!"

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

"Bill Gates in Hell"

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him,

"Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.

"This will be your home for all eternity.

"You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.

"Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a

Choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor
souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are
chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says,

"I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of all?

Satan: That's what everyone thinks!

Lucifer: What about the PC?

Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys!

Lucifer: Which three?

Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!

X - Adult Puns

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman
passes them. She's 5'10", 120#'s 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and
no tan lines!
The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a
breathless whisper says,
"It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a Lesbian!

Jewish men are circumcised because Jewish women won't touch anything
unless it is 20% off.

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son.
They used to go everywhere together including looking for "birds"
(Chinese slang for prostitute).
One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study.
The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,
"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years.
However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it.
But, please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother
will not suspect."
So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from
Chung, the son,......
Shooting Bird - $300
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird
is more than $700. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he
wrote to his son.
"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".
A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son.
On it he had written:
Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar.
"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.
"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how
personal it is."
"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"
"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

"Good morning! How may I help you say it with flowers?" the florist
cheerfully asked as he answered his phone.
"Well, since you put it that way," the male caller answered, "I want
you to send my secretary a cactus."
"What on earth does a cactus 'say' to your secretary?" the florist queried.
"It says I want her to feel a prick."

Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan,
"Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The second one tries to improve on that with,
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with,
"From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up
the race, but finally came up with,
"From the erection to the resurrection."

Define "Download":
To flush the john

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get
you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not." "
Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

She was only a Meter-Reader's daughter but she liked a copper in her slot.

Monday, November 23, 2009

To be six again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have
for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms,and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide,
The Wall of Fear,
The Screaming Roller Coaster,
Everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to:
A movie,
Popcorn,
A soda pop, and
Her favourite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening,
He is gonna get it wrong.

Dear Abby - a golden oldie

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. Dear
Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not
even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around,
and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said
it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now
how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know
he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in
sex and he is a doctor. Now what do Ido?

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in
her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go
into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Virginity Test

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he
can tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a
can of blue paint and a shovel.'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball
red and the other ball blue, and if she says,
'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her head with
the shovel.'

A LITTLE KNOWN HEALTH FACT

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects
the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve .
It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if
it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

Be grateful that there are people like me to further your education

Friday, November 20, 2009

X - Adult Puns.

The are risque to say the least..do not read if you are a prude.

Three guys met at the local bar.
They were discussing the events of the day.
After a few hours, one guy ordered buffalo wings.
He offered them to the other two.
First guy accepted.
The second guy said he didn't eat anything that has a face.
The first guy said, that must really piss off your wife.

The woman who had sex with a horse is in stable condition.

A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday.
After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink.
Then she left to pick up his favourite dessert from the local bakery.
When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in
hand, prancing about the living room wearing her bra, panties and high
heels.
"What the hell is going on!" she exclaimed.
Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said,
"What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I
wanted to eat, drink and........ Be Mary."

Nobody is a virgin anymore,
Life has fucked us all.

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against
a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive
and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he
continued,"who' s not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really
knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second
thoughts when the key witness, a neighbour, began his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was
finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of
acquittal, when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to
him,
"You know, a good sheep will do that.

Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms.
The other 44% carry babies.

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get
you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

Remember to use ALL fingers when waving at a police officer.

A passionate kiss is like a spider's web.
It soon leads to the undoing of a fly.

As a couple were getting ready for bed, the husband coming from the
bathroom jumps into bed.
His wife whines,
"I have a headache."
He replies,
"Perfect! I just powdered my dick in aspirin, you can take it orally
or as a suppository, it's up to you."

Ninety percent of men who try Camels prefer women.
The supervisor was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his
secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?" he asked her. The secretary replied,
"Everything but my earrings."

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Childbirth.

The man brought the girl back to his apartment, took off his clothes, and said,
"I'd like you to meet my little friend."
She took a look, gathered up her clothes, then said,
"Call me when it grows up."

X - Adult Puns.

Some are really risque..do not proceed if you are a prude.

Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care
They locate it more quickly at night,"

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant
and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are
furiously masturbating.
She says,
"What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says,
"Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says,
"So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help
that situation?"
One of the other businessmen replies,
"Because menu say, 'First Come, First Served!'"

A necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex is that they just lay there.

The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be
friends, the girl told her maiden aunt.
"I know what to do with a lover, but, what the heck do I do with a friend?"
The wise old lady smiled and said,
"The same as with your lover, Dearie, only not quite so often."

Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out.
One day, he meets Geppetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.
"Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters,"
Pinocchio says. Geppetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever
he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his penis.
Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it.
A few weeks later, Geppetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street.
He stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, to which Pinocchio replies,
"Hey, who needs girls?"

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

This guy goes to a whorehouse and says,
"I want to get screwed."
The Madam tells him to go up to room 12 and knock on the door.
The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says,
"I want to get screwed."
A sexy voice comes back with,
"Slide $20 under the door."
The man slides the $20 under the door and waits.
Nothing Happens.
He knocks on the door again,
"I want to get screwed!" he says.
The sexy voice behind the door says,
"Again?"

A deaf mute woman will masturbate with one hand so she can moan with the other.

The drinker announced to the bartender,
"It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big
bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up
to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after
that I was told if they ever wanted my fuckin' advice, they'd let me
know."

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was
doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded,
"I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied,
"And you must be what's passing through."

If a ram is a ram and an ass is an ass,
How come a ram in the ass is a goose?

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says,
"Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says,
"Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on
the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says,
"Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"
The doctor says,
"Stop wiping with cement bags."

Exam Questions & Answers

Another Oldies but crazy funny

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in
Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the
moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the
fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

...................................(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

............. (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow .....................(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

......................................................................(What
the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula

A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
................(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure

A. A Roman Emperor

..........................................................(Julius Seizure,

I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport

.......................................(Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

.......................(OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

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