Irish Jokes.
Some classic.. Some new... But all GOOD
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand clutches his chest and drops
dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks,
'Oh me Boys someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws.
Paul Gallagher picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet be gentle don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares,
'Your husband just lost $500and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!'says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
***********************************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run
over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner' says Sean 'He couldn't do that to you he must
have had something in his hand.'
'That he did' says Paddy 'a shovel is what he had and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well' says Sean 'you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did', said Paddy 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty
it was but useless in a fight.'
************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
the city one night and of course, his car is weaving violently all
over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
'So' says the cop to the driver 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course' slurs the drunk.
'Well' says the cop 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening.'
'I did all right' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know' says the cop standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, 'that a few intersections back your wife fell out of
your car?'
'Oh! Thank heavens' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there I thought I'd
gone deaf.'
**********************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course, you can come in you're always welcomeTim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya Brenda.
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh,God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally,she looked up at Tim.
'How did it happenTim?'
'It was terrible Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me trueTim did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda no. In fact he got out three times to pee.'
**************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service
and she's in tears.
He says,
'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says,
'Oh, Father I've got terrible news.. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says,
'Oh, Mary that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says
'That he did Father.'
The priest says.
'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says,
'He said' Please Mary. Put down that damn gun..'
**************************************************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church enters a confessional booth
sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles,
'Ain't no use knockin there's no paper on this side either.'
