GIGGLES, SNORTS, AND GUFFAWS

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister . . . .
And now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
And to have the two as close together as possible.
 ~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ..
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir ..
Mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means,  marry.
If you get a good wife,
You'll become happy;
If you get a bad one,
You'll become  a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
 ~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which,
 If treated with firmness and kindness,
Can be trained to do most things;
~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his
Diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing.
It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
People would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness .
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires...
But it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down  if it had to work its
way through Congress.
~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...
As you grow older,
It will avoid you.
~Winston Churchill.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....
But  everything  else starts to wear out, fall out, or  spread out.
~Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ...
Spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal