X - Adult Puns.

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

A little boy says to his mother,
"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied,
"Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party,
you're lucky you don't bark!"

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, he asks,
"How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies,
"Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says,
"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money-back!"

"I'm having a ball!", said the Queen.
"And If I had two I'd be King!"
And the King laughed, not because he wanted to, but because he had two."

After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a
suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table
where she was sat and said:
"What can I get you, gorgeous?"
The woman blushed and replied:
"If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the
woman's ear, "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"

After an evening at the theater and several nightcaps at an intimate
little bistro, the young man whispered to his date,
"How do you feel about making love to men?"
"That's my business," she snapped.
"Ah," he said, "A professional!"

A doctor had just delivered twin boys.
The head nurse brought them out for their father to see.
He could hardly believe his good fortune.
The twin boys were each enclosed in a blue blanket and cap.
He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe
they had finally arrived.
As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said,
"You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!"
With out missing a beat, he said proudly,
"You're telling ME I'm not sterile!"

Man to woman:
"Let's get something straight between us."

The company hires a new man.
He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up,
he calls his boss.
"I'm sick," he says.
Boss excuses him.
Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly
impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss.
"I'm sick," he says.
Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second
Monday in a row.
Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the
week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again.
"I'm sick."
Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into
his office. "What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard
worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in
sick every Monday."
Man says,
"Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her
every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we
end up making love all day long."
"Your sister?" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"
Man says,
"I told you I was sick."

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.
"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again."
"What dream?" asked the shrink, not really paying attention.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism, bestiality
and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead
horse?"

Two college women were discussing the date one had had the night before.
"Oh, Nancy, he was so erudite, and clever, and sophisticated.
"He speaks ten languages,
"Drives a Lamborghini,
"Took me to a Parisian restaurant and
"Ordered the meal and wine in French,
"Then, took me to his penthouse apartment to look over his Russian
book collection by the fireplace."
"Wow, Gail, he sounds fabulous! But just how far did he get with you?"
"Well, I really rather not say, but he was quite a cunning linguist!"