XX - Adult Puns.

Sadly neglected by her husband, a horny housewife turned to her
next-door neighbour for advice.
"Why don't you order your milk from the milkman" was the suggestion,
"and when the bill comes, see if you can settle it with sex."
This seemed like an excellent idea, and sure enough, when the bill was
presented, the milkman was delighted to settle for a long and
energetic screw.
Putting his pants back on, the milkman reached for the bill to mark it
"Paid in Full"
"Oh, no you don't," said the housewife, grabbing the bill.
"You brought me this milk a quart at a time, and that's the way I'm
gonna pay for it."

Santa comes but once each year.

George said to Mary,
"I'll bet you ten dollars that we could have the best sex that you
have ever had without me touching you."
"You're nuts," she said,
"Here is ten dollars that says you can't do that!"
They put the money on the mantelpiece.
That night George and Mary proceeded to have sex.
Reluctantly, Mary had to admit that it was the best sex that she could remember.
The next morning she exclaimed,
"Well, it may have been the best sex I've ever had... But you did
nothing BUT touch me!" George gave Mary the ten dollars and departed
with these words,
"So I lose."

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Mark fixed himself a martini to carry him through the ordeal of
waiting while Peggy got ready for their date, he could hear her
singing in the shower.
"Sorry I'm so late," she finally called out to him, "but I was
shopping and lost track of the time."
Clutching a large towel about her, he edged into the room.
"Would you like to see me in my new dress?" she asked.
Mark took appreciative note of her newly bathed charms straining at
the confines of the barely adequate towel.
"I would like," he said with a smile, "nothing better."

A Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac,
 "Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."

A pregnant woman went to the gynaecologist, and when asked what was
the problem, she responded,
"Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."
Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked,
"Your nipples get hard?"
"Yes," quite innocently came her reply.
"Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc.
So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging,
trying to reach an answer.
After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said,
"Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice --
I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Judy went to her gynaecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to
perform a very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that" said Judy. "Could you just replace
the batteries?"

The prostitute with a degree in psychology really blows your mind.

Mom took little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. Said,
"How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny said,
"It's that damn neighbour girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp."