X - Adult Puns.

The are risque to say the least..do not read if you are a prude.

Three guys met at the local bar.
They were discussing the events of the day.
After a few hours, one guy ordered buffalo wings.
He offered them to the other two.
First guy accepted.
The second guy said he didn't eat anything that has a face.
The first guy said, that must really piss off your wife.

The woman who had sex with a horse is in stable condition.

A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday.
After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink.
Then she left to pick up his favourite dessert from the local bakery.
When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in
hand, prancing about the living room wearing her bra, panties and high
heels.
"What the hell is going on!" she exclaimed.
Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said,
"What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I
wanted to eat, drink and........ Be Mary."

Nobody is a virgin anymore,
Life has fucked us all.

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against
a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive
and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he
continued,"who' s not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really
knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second
thoughts when the key witness, a neighbour, began his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was
finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of
acquittal, when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to
him,
"You know, a good sheep will do that.

Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms.
The other 44% carry babies.

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get
you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

Remember to use ALL fingers when waving at a police officer.

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said,
"Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said,
"You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft
for the rest of the night."

A passionate kiss is like a spider's web.
It soon leads to the undoing of a fly.

As a couple were getting ready for bed, the husband coming from the
bathroom jumps into bed.
His wife whines,
"I have a headache."
He replies,
"Perfect! I just powdered my dick in aspirin, you can take it orally
or as a suppository, it's up to you."

Ninety percent of men who try Camels prefer women.
The supervisor was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his
secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?" he asked her. The secretary replied,
"Everything but my earrings."

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Childbirth.

The man brought the girl back to his apartment, took off his clothes, and said,
"I'd like you to meet my little friend."
She took a look, gathered up her clothes, then said,
"Call me when it grows up."