X - Adult Puns.

Some are really risque..do not proceed if you are a prude.

  Said a woman with open delight,
  "My pubic hair's perfectly white.
   I admit there's a glare,
   But the fellows don't care
  They locate it more quickly at night,"

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant
and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are
furiously masturbating.
She says,
"What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says,
"Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says,
"So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help
that situation?"
One of the other businessmen replies,
"Because menu say, 'First Come, First Served!'"

A necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex is that they just lay there.

The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be
friends, the girl told her maiden aunt.
"I know what to do with a lover, but, what the heck do I do with a friend?"
The wise old lady smiled and said,
"The same as with your lover, Dearie, only not quite so often."

Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out.
One day, he meets Geppetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.
"Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters,"
Pinocchio says. Geppetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever
he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his penis.
Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it.
A few weeks later, Geppetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street.
He stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, to which Pinocchio replies,
"Hey, who needs girls?"

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

This guy goes to a whorehouse and says,
"I want to get screwed."
The Madam tells him to go up to room 12 and knock on the door.
The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says,
"I want to get screwed."
 A sexy voice comes back with,
"Slide $20 under the door."
The man slides the $20 under the door and waits.
Nothing Happens.
He knocks on the door again,
"I want to get screwed!" he says.
The sexy voice behind the door says,
"Again?"

A deaf mute woman will masturbate with one hand so she can moan with the other.

The drinker announced to the bartender,
"It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big
bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up
to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after
that I was told if they ever wanted my fuckin' advice, they'd let me
know."

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was
doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded,
"I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied,
"And you must be what's passing through."

If a ram is a ram and an ass is an ass,
How come a ram in the ass is a goose?

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says,
"Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says,
"Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on
the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says,
"Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"
The doctor says,
"Stop wiping with cement bags."