XX - Adult Puns.

Truman Capote was drinking one evening with friends in a Key West bar.
At a nearby table sat an inebriated couple.
When the woman recognized Capote, she approached him and asked for an
autograph. The woman's husband, in a display of drunken jealousy,
staggered over to Capote's table, unzipped his trousers, and in
Capote's own words, "hauled out his equipment. "
As the man did this, he bellowed,
'Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?'"
A hush fell over the room, allowing everybody in the bar to hear
Capote's soft, high pitched voice reply,
"I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it..."

35% of all gay men were born that way.
The rest got sucked into it.

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said,
"Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said,
"You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft
for the rest of the night."

Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.

Joe and Tom were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," Joe said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" Tom asked.
Joe replied,
"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"

When I was 17, my mother remarried and moved to Tulsa Oklahoma,
leaving me alone to finish my senior year of high school in the little
town where we lived.
She was only about an hour away and I was very responsible for my age.
My girlfriend had decided to stay the night one Saturday.
On Sunday morning we woke up and started to have sex.
We got very involved and she started screaming very loudly, then we
heard the toilet flush in the next room - my mother had come home for
a Sunday lunch!
When we finally got the courage to come out of the bedroom, my mother
was sitting at the dining room table and asked
"Did your father have the whole sex talk with you before we got divorced?"
He hadn't, but as most kids did at that time we learned in school, I said
"No mom, he did not." to which she replied,
"I didn't think so, we were married for 28 years and he never made me
scream like that!"

Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop
to pick-up her Mom.
She wasn't quite ready,
So, they sat down and waited.
Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out,
"My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"

Did you hear about the gay who placed a condom on each ear?
He didn't want to get hearing aids.

A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel attached to his groin.
He orders a grog, and as the bartender pours it he says,
"Cap'n - forgive me - but what's with the wheel?"
Pirate replies,
"Arrrrr - it's drivin' me nuts!"

When you're sex ting,
Are you trying to get your phone off?

A pretty, young, blond woman in Vancouver was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young seaman saw her teetering on the edge of the
pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said,
"Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning.
If you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of
you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The blonde nodded.
What did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the ship.
From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit
every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, the blonde was discovered by the Captain during a
routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the seamen," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Hawaii and in return he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Nanaimo ferry."