Jest a Minute!

Truisms.

- Always give 100% at work - 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday,
20% Thursday, 5% Friday

- For Sale - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

- One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

- Failure is not an option! It comes bundled with the software.

- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in
terror like the passengers in his car.

- West Virginia ..... Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

- Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire-station?
With a Little Help From Our Friends

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.

After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man
was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out
and give yourself up."
Signs You're Part of the Modern Age.

- You try to enter your password on the microwave.

- You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready,
and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

- Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

- You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.

- You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one
for your email buddies via a Web page.

- Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom
of the screen.

- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells
for half the price you paid.

- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make
a purchase is foreign to you.

- Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.

- You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

- Your idea of being organized is multiple coloured post-it notes.

- You hear most of your jokes via e-zines instead of in person.
Government Workers Reality.

- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

- "One 'Oh Spit' wipes out years of 'Atta Boys'" are words to live by.

- You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.

- Appearance is more important than substance.

- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

- There is never enough time to do your job, but always enough time to
prepare a briefing on it.

- Art involves a white board and dry markers.

- The suspense you were just assigned was late when you received it
and you are required to justify why.

- Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory
weekend travel is a perk.

- Although you have a telephone, pager, e-mail, FAX, company
distribution, Fed-X, US mail and co-equals sitting right on the other
side of the partition...communication is a continuing problem.

- You know and everyone that works with you knows your performance is
superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented
performance rating.

Makes You Think.

- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

- I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.

- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?