Complaints! Them English!!!!

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters in UK

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
passage has Fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
just can't take it anymore.

It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that
blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My
wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is
pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and
50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until
it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would
like a third So please send someone round to do something
about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would
you please do something about the noise made by the man on
top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times
but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and
we can't get BBC2.