Dirty Jokes

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma.
They were both naked.
Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says,
"Daddy, what's that?"
Fred says,
"Th-that's...um...that's daddy's rock."
A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.
"What's that, mommy?" she asks.
"Oh..that..that's mommy's rock grinder."
All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says,
"I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes
Pebbles!"

An old retired sailor put on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old times' sakes.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age but, needing some
reassurance, he asks
"How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies,
"Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says,
"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money
Back."

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat
tyre.
He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.
After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says,
"You wanna screwdriver?"
He says,
"Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an
operation.
She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her
that she could expect a complete recovery.
She asked him,
"How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied,
"Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me
that after having their tonsils out."

I called this girlfriend of mine and asked her if she was free
Saturday night.
She said no, but she would be reasonable.

As I checked my daily assignment, I saw that the head nurse has me
emptying bedpans again.
When am I ever going to get off this woman's shit list?

"I had to go again today to have blood test done."
"Oh, I hate that!"
"I do too, but I try to make jokes about it. When the technician
Says,
"You'll feel a little prick,"
I come back with, "Well, hell, I could have stayed married for that!"

I explained to the proctologist that my wife and I were making love
on the couch and the channel changer just got in the way, but he said
the odds were pretty remote.

Lesbian Cocktail Lounge: A Her-She Bar

There's a story of a dog who sat too close to the railroad tracks.
A train came along and cut off his tail.
When the dog tried to bite the train, he got his head cut off for his
trouble.
The moral of this story is:
Don't lose your head over a piece of tail.

As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never.

"Dolly, the famous cloned sheep, got pregnant in the old-fashioned,
conventional way--by a shepherd."

I felt a bit uncomfortable when my girlfriend took a job moonlighting
at the local deli.
Sure we can use the extra money she brings in, but that place is such a meat
market.

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

Well, Mabel, this guy just wouldn't give up. He may have looked
Latin, but he sure had Roman hands.
Yeah, they roamed all over the place... Whassat? Of course I told him I was
a good girl. And you know what he said?
He said, 'If you're that good, I'd like to try you myself…' Well, I tell you
I was absolutely mortified. That's what I was, mortified.
And then and then he really put on the straw that broke my back like a camel

Lemme tell you what he did. I was so unhappy about it, I wouldn't tell
nobody but you.
Only 'cause you're my best girlfriend.
Well, anyways, he took me aside and he offered me two dollars if I'd go to
bed with him.
Yeah, and it's an experience I don't wanna remember...
Whaddaya mean, what's wrong with that?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
On the way home I lost the two dollars..."

An analyst was listening to a voluptuous beauty with a problem of her
Own.
"It's liquor, doctor," she sobbed. "I'm really a very nice girl,
but just as soon as I've had a drink or two, I become uncontrollably
passionate and I want to make love to whomever I happen to be with."
"I see," the analyst said thoughtfully. "Well, suppose I just mix us
up a couple of cocktails here and then you and I can sit down, nice
and relaxed, and discuss this compulsive neurosis of yours."