Chuckles
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they
take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in
picking lemons?'
'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've been divorced
three times.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my
elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute
wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband
said . 'We may not have 45 minutes.'
They were seated immediately.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted
her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the
bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even
the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage,
the bride gave him back his credit card.
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your
wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'
