Conjoors

Mensa Invitational
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition.

The 2006 winners are:

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which
renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize that it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti: Vandalism : spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

Decafalon: (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.

========

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to
its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one
has gained.

3. Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

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Romance

One night , after the couple had retired for the night,
the woman became aware that her husband was
touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders
and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her
breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,
sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the
other side to a point below her waist. He continued
on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the
the other. His hand ran further down the outside of
her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the
inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned
to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused
and she squirmed a little to better the position
for herself.The man stopped abruptly and
rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?"
she whispered.

He whispered back,
"I found the remote!"

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A mother's job

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers
did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - teacher, nurse, businesswoman,
saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet.

So, when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied,

"Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her
clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear.Sometimes,
if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay
with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin
aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?"

"No," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee
and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

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This ought to make all grandpas feel loved & warm and cozy inside.

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and
bursts into his grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into
the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you
croak, we're going to Disneyland !!!" __

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Zoo training - recommended by marriage counsellors

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a
large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he
grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the
gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the
dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall
to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,
flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

'Now. Tell HIM you have a headache.

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Women Problems..

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:

MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND...
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

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Jest A Minute.

Clever Directions.
A girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.
She says:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and
look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A.
Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right.
With your elbow hit 14.
When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left.
With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you"
The boyfriend says:
"Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these
buttons with my elbow?"
"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

Marriage Joke.

Dear Dr Ruth,

I'm writing to tell you my problem.

It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He
makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; ironing, washing
dishes, sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc.

I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth ND f
unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .LP sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'

Cinsely ous
Mdyl

Americans Are Wacky:

- We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can
make more money so we can move back to the farm.

- In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when
we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about
business.

- We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our
car while eating a $.25 sandwich.

- We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country
in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

- We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up
with our yearning power.

- We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth,
but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armoured car.

- We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world
and still have more divorces.

Wedding night.

Sipho gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father for
some tips on what to do, since he has never been with a woman before.

So what do I do first?

His father: "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed."

Five minutes later Sipho's on the phone again.

"She's naked and in bed, what do I do now?"

His father can't believe what he is hearing.

"Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her."

After another 5 minutes poor Sipho is on the phone again.

"Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?"

His dad's patience is now running thin so he says,

"Shit son, do I have to spell everything out for you? Just put the
hardest thing on your body where she pees. Good night!!!

Just when the old man starts snoring, his son is on the phone once again.

"Ok Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do next?"

"DROWN YOURSELF YOU BLOODY IDIOT!"

Work Laws:

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
would be so many.

- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing.

- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held
responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person
quits or is fired.

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Did You Ever Wonder....

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that to stop Windows
You have to click on "Start"?

Why is it that when you're driving
And looking for an address,
You turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour,
And dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests
All your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the
Slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why I sn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

How come we drive on parkways
And
Park on driveways?

How come sheep don't shrink when it rains
But
A wool sweater does when you wash it?

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Blonde Jokes ...again but good

Blonde Interrogation!

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows them a
picture, then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers:
"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says:
"Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for 5 seconds
At the second blonde and asks her:
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says:
"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds:
"What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear
are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best
answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks:
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds:
"Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says:
"The suspect wears contact lenses!"

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself
If the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while
I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file
in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work!
How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied.
"He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
__._,_.___

"Glossary of Blonde Medicine."

Artery............................Study of paintings.
Bacteria.........................Back door of a cafeteria.
Barium...........................What doctors do when a patient dies.
Bowel............................A letter like A,E,I,O,U.
Caesarian Section.........A district in Rome.
Cataract.........................Weird pontoon boat.
Cat Scan........................Searching for a Kitty.
Cauterise.......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic...............................A sheep dog.
Coma..............................A punctuation mark.
Congenital......................Friendly.
D & C .............................Where Washington is.
Dilate..............................To live long.
Enema............................Not a Friend.
Fester.............................Quicker.
Fibula..............................Small Lie.
Genital.............................Non-Jewish.
G.I. Series........................Soldier Ball Game.
Hangnail......................... To Hang Pictures on.
Impotent.......................... Distinguished; well known.
Labour Pain.......................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff....................Doctor's Cane.
Morbid........................... Higher Offer.
Nitrate.............................Different then Day Rate.
Node.............................. Was aware of.
Outpatient...................... Person who has fainted.
Pap smear.......................Fatherhood Test.
Pelvis...... .......................Cousin of Elvis.
Postoperative..................Letter Carrier.
Prostrate..........................Flat on your back.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum........................... Damn near killed him.
Secretion........................ Hiding something.
Seizure.......................... Roman Emperor.
Tablet............................ Small table.
Terminal Illness............ Getting sick at the Airport.
Tibia............................ Country in North Africa.
Tumour......................... Add a couple more.
Urine......................... Opposite of "You're Out."
Varicose................... Near by.
Vein...................... Conceited.

Love L.A...We Love It!

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for
the coach section.
She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats.
Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more
comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her
seat is in coach.

The blonde replies,
"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit
And informs the captain of the blonde problem.
The Captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies,
"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the
cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can
take care of the problem.
He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says,
"Thank you so much,"
Hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention,
together ask the
co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies,
"I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

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A BOTTLE OF WINE....

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of
our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign
from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants
us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens
it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I
think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY :

Women are clever, evil beings. Don't mess with them.

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X - Nice jokes so keep laughing.

Give us a sense of humour, Lord,
Give us the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Pamela Anderson: I want 34 size BRA.
Salesman: Madam, I think it's too small for your breasts.
Pamela: It's not for my breasts. It's for my Nipples . . .

A Girl to Doctor: I think my BOOBS are full of water.
Dr. : Why do you think like this?
Girl: Every time someone press my BOOBS, my PANTY gets wet . . .

It's short thing,
Gets longer when you hold it,
Pass between women breasts and
Enters into a hole.
What is it?
I like your thinking but, it's a Car Seat
Belt.------------------------------------------------------------
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed.
The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her
beautiful robe.
The proud husband says,
"My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let
me take your picture.
Puzzled, she asks,
"My picture?"
He answers,
"Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the
bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks,
"Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims,
"Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks,
"Why?"
She answers,
"So I can get it enlarged."
---------------------------------------------------
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family , who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a
big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led
him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under
the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you."
He said,
"Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said,
"The breakfast was my idea."

Humor Vacation

" Laughter is an instant vacation"
--Merlin Berke
************ ***
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday
************ ***
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
************ ***
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just theright person in
this case. You will see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
************ ***
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
************ ***
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager! Waiter:
It's no use. He won't eat it either.
************ ***
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
************ ***
Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did , I still got mine with me!
************ ***
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry . If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.
************ ***
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
************ ***
Love is like playing the piano...
First you must learn,
To play by the rules...
Then, you must forget the Rules and Play from your heart.........

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Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
-------------------------------- ----- -------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to s tand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of c ourse. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------! ------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% .
It's called a Wedding Cake
---------------------------------------------! ----------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

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I' m fine

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In the court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
Answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop
sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch
and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and
didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she

was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident,
a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*** would you say?'

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Blonde Jokes..old but still funny

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the
game, he asked her how she liked the experience. 'Oh, I really
liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the
big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, her date asked,
'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the
rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the
quarterback! Get
the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking... And one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think
is farther away.......... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooo, can you see
Florida.???'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I
wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you
take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she
shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde
looks up the river then down the river and shouted back, 'You
ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said that her body hurt wherever she touched
it.'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took
her finger, pushed on her left br east and screamed, then she
pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere
she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really
a redhead, are you?' Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a
blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The
blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming
dogs like that?' HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond.
'They're watch dogs!' *

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YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He
slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped
us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

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NEW PROSTATE EXAM PROCEDURE

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets
sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the doctor is a
very attractive young female Urologist.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your
Prostate today, but this is a new procedure is a
little different from what you are probably used
to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your
knees, then while I check your prostate, take a
Deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy obeys and says, '99!'

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your
left side And again,

While I repeat the check, take a deep breath and
say, 99'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good.

Now then, I want you to lie on your Back with your
knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your Prostate with This hand,
and with the other hand I'm going to hold on To your penis.

Now Take a deep Breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One ... Two . Three ..........'

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SEX- Work Or Play

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not
sure if sex is work or play.

So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, "My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not
permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and much more
experienced in this matter.
He queries the Minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and
therefore not for the Sabbath!"

Not pleased with that reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a
man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

In other words, he goes to a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others
tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the
maid do it !"

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Shortest gag of the Month

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Oh Shit" says his friend 'and I have just joined Rotary!"

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Sri Lanka - Nostalgia

Elephant Orphanage



Love



Waiting






Tea Fields




Sunset in Kandy



Stilt Fisherman



Nuwara Eliya 1



Nuwara Eliya 2



Dawn by the Lake



Beaches

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Original Hollywood Squares

Remember how funny stuff was before we had to be politically
correct and shows were not scripted!

Original Hollywood Squares...
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and
its comics. These questions and answers are from the days when
'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not
scripted, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under
water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least
how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver (aka Clifford Arquette ): Three
days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger
at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out
and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you
get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to
say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a
pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from
the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or
less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old
question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.
Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy
growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two
subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or
in the closet?
A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe
in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his
tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde : Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde< /B>: Whatever it is, it would never be
afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong
with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your
body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly
isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest
is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly
believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two
occasions. What are they?
A Charley Weaver : His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you
should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

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X - Fancy dress

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress
party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right
as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another
parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has
gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald
head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days
later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the
accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick
your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

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THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Derrinallum. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of
a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up
on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like
this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land,
I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three
times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up
to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel
toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and
very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm
of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

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Your Driver's License Tells All!

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are
really none o f your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough h questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old
you! are, y ou are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got
a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex

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"In Honor of Stupid People

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Janaka Abey <janaka.abey@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Feb 22, 2008 at 10:02 PM
Subject: Fwd: FW: (no subject)
To: Janaka Abeyagunawardena <janaka.abey@gmail.com>

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity."

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Hind Lick ...

Two hillbillies walk into a bar.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that
she is iin real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya
swallar?' The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the

Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd here'd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!'

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Indians and Yankees!

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona
when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along
and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on
the horse and then rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian
would let out a " Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the
surrounding hills. When they arrived in
town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "
Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. " I merely
sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held
onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off ."

"Lady," the attendant said, " Indians don't use saddles"..........

________________________________

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Dear Abby......

Dear Abby

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot
the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to
like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!
You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United
States . Act like one

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Sardars strike again

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore.

They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the
topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel.

After taking rest they started for a local visit.

While leaving the hotel, the manager informed them that they should
reach the hotel before10.00pm or else lift will not be available and
they have to take the steps for which they agreed and went out.

After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30.

Since lift was not available, they decided to take the stairways under
the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that lasts for 33
floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble.

After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,

"I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only".

Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his
story and finally they reached the 100th floor.

Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story.

The third one said,

"I forgot the room key which is on the manager's table".

They once again started back to the first floor and this time the
second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said,

" I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end".

They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad
story, the second sardarji said,

"The keys were in my pocket only".

With great anger and having got really tired, they once again start
from the first floor.

After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,

"I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only".

Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third
sardarji about the sad story, he replied:

"This is not our hotel; it is on the other side of road, opposite to this...!"

KEEP SMILING ALWAYS

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Complaints! Them English!!!!

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters in UK

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
passage has Fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
just can't take it anymore.

It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that
blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My
wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is
pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and
50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until
it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would
like a third So please send someone round to do something
about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would
you please do something about the noise made by the man on
top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times
but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and
we can't get BBC2.

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The Nail

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to
Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall
in the
barn. Yo u show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then
the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on
the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the
row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the
one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is
the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess
it's to hang your pants on."

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..and God created Woman as a companion to Man...but

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Best Pictures on the Net

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

| View | Upload your own

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Chinese

5 Chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu, Hu and Su decided to immigrate to the US .

In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.

Chu became Chuck
Bu became Buck
Hu became Huck.
Fu and Su decided to stay in China.

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New words for 2008....

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
Project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in,
Makes a lot of noise,
Craps on everything,
And
Then leaves.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
What yuppies turn into when they have children
And
One of them stops working to stay home
With the kids or start a 'home business'.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls.
Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless.
From the World Wide Web error message
'404 Not Found'
Meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
Made a BIG mistake (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt,
Only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a wonder bra,
I.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside,
But, there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in,
You go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
The pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
Before you wake up,
Whisks away the stunner you slept with,
And leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn
When walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe
Arrival home after booze cruise,
Even though you're too drunk to remember where you live,
How you got here, and where you've come from.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her,
So, she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

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Cat Story

We were dressed and ready to go out for a New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front
door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back
into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she
always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I
went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot
pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know
that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the
taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say
goodbye to my mother".

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in
a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her
fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

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STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me
have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and
running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head
and says,
"Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little
treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

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Investment Advice and/or Retirement Planning

--Some valuable advice for people considering either or both.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago,
drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the
aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink
heavily and recycle.

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XXX - sounds naughty

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Domestic Chores

Three men from Texas were sitting together one day
bragging about how they
had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from
Illinois and had told her
that she was going to have to do the dishes and
house cleaning. It took a
couple of days, but on the third day he came home to
see a clean house and
dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from
Michigan. He had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and the
cooking. The first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day he saw it
was better. By the third day, he saw his house was
clean, the dishes were
done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from New
York. He told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes
washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every
meal. He said the first
day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
see anything, but by
the third day some of the swelling had gone down and
he could see a little
bit out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a
sandwich and load the
dishwasher.

Watch out for those NY ladies...

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Old one but still good..

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a
Sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe
Standing at the foot of his bed.

" What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... And who are you ?"
He asked.

" This is not your bedroom," the man replied, " I am St. Peter, and
You are in heaven ."

" WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too
Young ," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately ."

" It's not that easy", said St.Peter . " You can only return as a
Dog or a hen. The choice is yours ."

Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is
Too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.

" I want to return as a hen."

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
Nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna
Blow. Then along came another hen.

" Hey, you must be the new hen St. Pe! Ter told me about ," she said.
" How do you like being a hen?"

" Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode ."

" Oh that!" said the other hen. " That's only the ovulation going
On. You need to lay an egg ."

" How do I do that?" Rob asked.

" Cluck twice, and then push all you can ."

Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then
' plop' an egg was on the ground.

" Wow" Rob said, " That felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that
There was another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

…
.
.
.

" Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the
Bed !"

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Little Melissa

Little Melissa comes from Chance Cove, Newfoundland and attends third grade.
After school she tells her father that they learned about the history
of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, I was wondering if I
gave a Valentine to someone who was not, will God get mad at me for
giving them a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her Father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little Newfoundland Christian
Girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start
to think that maybe we're not all bad, & maybe start loving people a
little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to
Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over
the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't
hate anyone anymore."
Her Father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our
Canadian Soldiers can shoot the sucker."

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Dirty Jokes

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma.
They were both naked.
Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says,
"Daddy, what's that?"
Fred says,
"Th-that's...um...that's daddy's rock."
A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.
"What's that, mommy?" she asks.
"Oh..that..that's mommy's rock grinder."
All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says,
"I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes
Pebbles!"

An old retired sailor put on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old times' sakes.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age but, needing some
reassurance, he asks
"How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies,
"Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says,
"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money
Back."

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat
tyre.
He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.
After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says,
"You wanna screwdriver?"
He says,
"Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an
operation.
She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her
that she could expect a complete recovery.
She asked him,
"How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied,
"Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me
that after having their tonsils out."

I called this girlfriend of mine and asked her if she was free
Saturday night.
She said no, but she would be reasonable.

As I checked my daily assignment, I saw that the head nurse has me
emptying bedpans again.
When am I ever going to get off this woman's shit list?

"I had to go again today to have blood test done."
"Oh, I hate that!"
"I do too, but I try to make jokes about it. When the technician
Says,
"You'll feel a little prick,"
I come back with, "Well, hell, I could have stayed married for that!"

I explained to the proctologist that my wife and I were making love
on the couch and the channel changer just got in the way, but he said
the odds were pretty remote.

Lesbian Cocktail Lounge: A Her-She Bar

There's a story of a dog who sat too close to the railroad tracks.
A train came along and cut off his tail.
When the dog tried to bite the train, he got his head cut off for his
trouble.
The moral of this story is:
Don't lose your head over a piece of tail.

As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never.

"Dolly, the famous cloned sheep, got pregnant in the old-fashioned,
conventional way--by a shepherd."

I felt a bit uncomfortable when my girlfriend took a job moonlighting
at the local deli.
Sure we can use the extra money she brings in, but that place is such a meat
market.

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

Well, Mabel, this guy just wouldn't give up. He may have looked
Latin, but he sure had Roman hands.
Yeah, they roamed all over the place... Whassat? Of course I told him I was
a good girl. And you know what he said?
He said, 'If you're that good, I'd like to try you myself…' Well, I tell you
I was absolutely mortified. That's what I was, mortified.
And then and then he really put on the straw that broke my back like a camel

Lemme tell you what he did. I was so unhappy about it, I wouldn't tell
nobody but you.
Only 'cause you're my best girlfriend.
Well, anyways, he took me aside and he offered me two dollars if I'd go to
bed with him.
Yeah, and it's an experience I don't wanna remember...
Whaddaya mean, what's wrong with that?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
On the way home I lost the two dollars..."

An analyst was listening to a voluptuous beauty with a problem of her
Own.
"It's liquor, doctor," she sobbed. "I'm really a very nice girl,
but just as soon as I've had a drink or two, I become uncontrollably
passionate and I want to make love to whomever I happen to be with."
"I see," the analyst said thoughtfully. "Well, suppose I just mix us
up a couple of cocktails here and then you and I can sit down, nice
and relaxed, and discuss this compulsive neurosis of yours."

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S.A.T. Questions

The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT
tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students!
(Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the President someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water sa fe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O,
and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraceptio n by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

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Just for you

Growing Older .....

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- A fortune teller offers to read your face.

- You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

- You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.

- You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".

- You answer automatically when someone addresses you "Old Timer."

- You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.

- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

- Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty
girl walk by.

- You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.

- You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

- The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.

- The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.

Three times Three

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to
the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replys the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

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Facial Memory Test

Pretty interesting test - takes only five minutes.

 

Click on one of the links below -

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/tmt/

 

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/tmt/

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X - Ambidextrous Golf Player

Lawyers in an Edson law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of
the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't
quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the
remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.
Curious, she spoke up, 'You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?'

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one
of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally,
one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early,
at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The
woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be
up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be
okay.

She smiled, and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:45.'

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant
person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the
clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next
week. She smiled, and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this
time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as
she still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing
with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered
if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them
left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't
seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning
desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she
was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was
determined to play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her. As
they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up. This week the lady
lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly
beat all three of them.

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play,
it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no
one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her
ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his
curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, 'How do you decide if
you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?'

The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, 'That's easy. When my Dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always
had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in
college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it
was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical.' Astonished at
this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it's
pointed straight up in the air?'

She said, 'Then, I'm fifteen minutes late.'

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Children's Stuff.

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.

After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and

One for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was

So old she didn't remember any more.

Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your
panties. Mine say five to Six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much,

That when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller.

She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.

Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and
she'd have to open it for her.

Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.

"Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked
his Dad:

"Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied,

"I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How
will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt."

Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then
asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... This particular
Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended
toward Heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you,
we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very
obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked
quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt
dust?"

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Kids! Kids!! Kids!!!

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : Maria!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook..
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

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Jokes on Saturday..

Give us a sense of humour, Lord,
Give us the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Political Joke.

An American, Japanese and a Nigerian were boasting about how effective
the electoral processes in their countries were better than one
another.

The American was the first to speak.

He said elections in his country were so perfect that results were
announced in less than 24hours.

The Japanese laughed at the American and said results in his country
were announced less than 12 hours after the election.

Not wanting to be rubbished, the Nigerian laughed at the American and
Japanese and enthused "results are announced in my country even before
the election".
Corporate filly.

The Dakota Indians of North America passed on this piece of wisdom
from generation by word of mouth - "If you are riding a dead horse the
best thing to do is dismount".

However, in the corporate world because of the heavy investment factor
other things to be tried, (but not limited to) are the following:

* buy a stronger whip.
* change riders.
* threaten the horse with termination.
* appoint a committee to study the horse.
* arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
* lower the standards so dead horses can be included.
* appoint an intervention team to reanimate the horse.
* create a training session to increase the riders load share.
* reclassify the horse as 'living impaired'.
* change the form so it reads "This horse is not dead".
* hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
* harness several dead horses together for increased speed and efficiency.
* donate the dead horse to a recognised charity therefore deducting
its full original cost.
* provide additional funding to increase horse's performance.
* do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve
productivity.
* purchase an after market product that makes dead horses run faster.
* declare the dead horse has lower overheads and is therefore more
cost effective.
* form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
* rewrite the performance requirements for horses.
* and finally if all else fails.....promote the dead horse into a
supervisory (management) position.

A depressed blonde.

A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a
tree in the park.

A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging
from the tree.

He asked her what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,'
said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breath.

General Joke.

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the
new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she
told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first
doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and
you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,

"And.... Does she still have the hiccups?"

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Guesses your number

Click here

http://www.quizyourprofile.com/guessyournumber.swf

for answer scroll down

How does it work

each color has 5 numbers associated it with it. in step 2 (step 1 being
your selection of the number) you tell the program which color your
number is and then it splits the 5 numbers that have that color into 5
different houses. when you pick a house you have basically told it what
number you picked. step 3 (choosing a color from the color block), step
5 (clicking on the crystal ball), and step 6 (picking a door) are all
meaningless.

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XXX - Top Ten Thoughts for 2008!

Number 10
- Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
- Men have two emotions: "Hungry and Horny". If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
- Some people are like a "Slinky"... Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.

Number 4
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Number 3
- Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut
save you $0.30?

Number 2
- In the '60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:
- We know exactly where one cow with Mad-Cow disease is
located among the millions and millions of cows in the world ,
but we just haven't got a clue as to where Mad Terrorists are located.
Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge
of anti-terrorism.

And the "BONUS" thought for today...
'Life is like a jar of jalapeños .
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow'!

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