XXX - Sunday Morning Humour!

Here were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip
for the first time.
The first old lady said,
"I don't know 'bout ya'll, but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties
beefo I gets on dat plane."
"Why you gonna wear dem?" the other two wanted to know.
The first one replied,
"Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a
conefield, dey gonna find me first."
The second old lady says,
"Well, I'm gonna wear me sum floesant urange panties."
"why yo u gonna wear dem?" the other two asked.
The second old lady answered,
"Cause if dis hare plane is agoin' down and I be floatin' butt-up in
tha oshen, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says,
"Well, I ain't gonna wear no draws..."
"What???..No panties??? The others asked in disbelief.
The third old lady says,
"Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearin' no
draws, cause if'n dis plane goes down, honey Chile, dey always look of
DA black box first."

You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal

- If you have more toys than your kids

- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

- If your I.Q. Number is bigger than your weight

- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you
rush up to the front to fix it

- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery
channel and have seen most of the shows already

Football Wedding.
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says,
"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!
What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

A mathematician and a physicist agree ...
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.

The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and
his favourite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of
the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair.
Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
current location and the meal."

The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not
going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he
gets up and storms out.

The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation,
and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling.

The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll
never reach the food?"

The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close
enough for all practical purposes!"

Talking Dog for Sale.
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He
rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young
and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at
the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."