Week-End Jokes!

Elderly Joke.

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning,
I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember
whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was
sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was
going to bed or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's
always been, knock on wood."

She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
Men Vs. Women.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your
secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?

"I am just 26yrs old!"
Fastest gun in West.
A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night.
He recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had
the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a
drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said,
"Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high.Tie the holster
a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw"
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
"See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on
the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as
much................

ELDERLY SECRET.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to
you." "Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that
sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to
see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an
eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt
and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence,
the old man moves in. Then suddenly they! Erupt into the most furious
sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten
minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on
the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put
their clothes back on.

The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple
passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You
must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of
secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence."