Bible Stories by Kids

In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our
junior church students help you with this complete overview of the
Bible, compiled from their essays.

This is one clever rendition of the "Bible in a Nutshell"!
Enjoy!......laughter is a gift from God!

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing
but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is
one," but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said,
"Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and
Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from
the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because
they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he
was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but
one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous
than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a
really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These
plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the
Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten
Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet
your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor
thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy
to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell
over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with
a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and
500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound
very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and
then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league
prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star
of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I
had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,
"Close the door! Were you born in a barn" It would be nice to say, "As
a matter of fact, I was.") During His life, Jesus had many arguments
with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had
twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil
that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He
went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.