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( One slide has slight nudity - so do not open if that offends you)
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
SINHALISH
Everyday when papers looki'n, I am very sad,
They are telling in Sri Lanka, English very bad,
Is this all a humbug mister, sometimes very true,
So I want to tell and give you, exactly what to do.
Olden times when we were children, in the village school,
Pappa tole muss learn the English, otherwise you a fool,
Those days teachers taking trouble, tought the English well,
If I do not the homework, they are playing the hell.
Nowadays have Shermadana, in the sun muss dig,
Other times too much torking, classes very big,
Principal is absent always, teachers putting part,
Boys are taking O/L, but only pass in art.
You must tell our Minister, soon to put a rule,
Give the English Education, nicely in the school,
Then the children will improve, learning very well you see,
Getting jobs and easy money, happy just like me.
Now I am an English teacher, I can now enjoy,
So I am doing better job, than any other boy,
I am engaged to Burgher lady, torking English well,
How to twist and do the Cha Cha, she is going to tell.
Pappa putting sarong only, simply village clerk,
Now I am putting trousers and walking in the park,
So I'm telling without English, useless you will be,
Like a buffalow in the village, married to a tree.
But wait! ……
What for bother English learning? Sinhala is best
Chuck out all the "Kalu Suddhas", Eelam and the rest
Bastard who Swabasha gave us now he doing well
He is Chief Stoker to Satan-uncle deep inside the Hell.
Black panties
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was
constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in
Vermont . Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she
stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his
birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was
the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his
birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Friday, September 28, 2007
Blonde buys new windows...
Always weigh your words very carefully!
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay
for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at
the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called
back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
I bet he felt like an idiot
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down
your throat. PRESTO! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold
while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the
sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling
over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.......... NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Mao Tse-tung
A diplomat was asking Mao Tse-tung some questions after having
been granted a rare interview.
"What do you think would have happened if Mr. Khrushchev had
been assassinated instead of President Kennedy?"
Chairman Mao thought for a moment and then said "I don't think
Mr. Onassis would have married Mrs. Khrushchev."
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,
"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion
builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well,how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:
"Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf"
Flight Attendent
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you
could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear
me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground. "
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight
attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my
country I'm called a Queen, so I out-rank you. Tray-up, Bitch.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Stages of Life
When I saw this picture, I reached for a glass of milk, thinking of the pure innocence.
When I saw this, I reached for a fine glass of red wine, excited about all the possibilities. Wow!!!
When I saw this picture… I opened a bottle of Jack Daniels and already finished half the bottle….
Language Game
Read the following first and then click on the link below:
TYPE IN ANYTHING AND SHE WILL SAY IT ----
This is amazing!
She will say anything you type. I sure don't know how they do it. (When you move the mouse around, the girl's eyes follow the pointer.)
Type your words or sentence you want her to say in the space provided for it in the bottom left corner and click on the "SAY IT" button on the right.
Click here
Click on your browsers back arrow key to return to the blog
Air Force Test
This will drive you nuts!! Have fun.
The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting
hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.
If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said
that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at
least 2 minutes.
Give it a try but be careful...it is addictive!!
Click here
Click on your browsers back arrow key to return to the blog
Wrong Side of The Bed
Mother Superior heard one nun say to the other, "I think she got out
of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother
Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down
the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been
teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with,
"Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom
for our students today." "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you,
and may God be with you." But again, after passing, Mother Superior
overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an
irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking
down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching,
step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother
Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face,
before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy
to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants
you a wonderful day." "Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank
you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I
have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have
said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the
face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that
you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
Porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner
if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how
much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "does
she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed
it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
A BLONDE MOMENT
BOB handsome dude, walked into a bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The
10:00 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did, too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
Married Humor
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : "Nothing".
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there
be greater than this one?"
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Stress Reliever
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
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Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give
up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife,
"Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU THE FORTUNE!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face
or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: The Compliment
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
husband, "I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. Pay me a
compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight is perfect".
His funeral is Friday
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
STRATEGY
Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services. Ahmed
drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a Lot of money
to spend . Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day. Hamid asks Ahmed
how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every
day. Ahmed says, 'Look at your sign, . It says, 'I have no work, a wife
and six kids to support.'Britons who see that do not feel as if they
have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no
job and a large family. Now look at my sign.'So Hamid looks and Ahmed 's
sign reads: 'I only need another £100 to move back to Pakistan '
women can be so insensitive
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she
agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to
his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he
now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
"Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?" she says, "Of
course, dear."
And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife
rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until
he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you
think we co uld.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says,
"Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning ..... you don't!
Monday, September 24, 2007
3 wishes
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!
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Saturday, September 22, 2007
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN - QUITE BEAUTIFUL !!!!!!!!!![Scanned]
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about youI must tell you, though, that the place is
filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for
everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test is only three
questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,
"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
give me your answers"
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins
with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I
was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I
will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you
come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter.
"I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was
not quite what I had in mind.... but I will have to give you credit for that
one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two
questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as
the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.
"I learnt it from the song,
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
ANGER MANAGEMENT
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet ..'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush.'
Rules of the Universe
Read some of these before, but some are quite funny and some are quite true!!
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church/temple doesn't make you a Christian/Jew any more
than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.
17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
23. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
24. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
26. You should not confuse your career with your life.
27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
28. Never lick a steak knife.
29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.
32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
33. Your friends love you anyway.
34. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of
professionals built the Titanic.
35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
Faith
In a small Midwestern conservative town, a new bar/tavern started
building to open up its business.
The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from
opening with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a
lightening strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till
the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was
ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through
direct or indirect actions or means.
The church, in its reply to the court, vehemently denied all
responsibility or any connection to the destruction of the building.
As the case made its way through court, the judge looked over the
paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to
decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have here a
bar-owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church
congregation that doesn't".
Medicare coverage in a nutshell
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or
terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
with him."
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Corporate Lesson: Old but still good
Corporate Lesson 1 : Naked Wife
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give
you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman
drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to
the bathroom, her husband asks,…
"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2 : The Genie
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish" "Me
first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK,
you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want
those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 3 : A Priest and a Nun
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
nun said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun
went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will
find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 4 : The Crow
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked
him,"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story : To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5 : The Turkey
A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the
energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the
bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was
proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story : Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.
Dear Abby
LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:
1. Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across
the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher
and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and
I've never seen a man go into or leave their
apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
2. Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl
Language and Violence On my VCR?
3. Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm
not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
4. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has
been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I
think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him
well enough to discuss money with him.
5. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling
around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything
and said it would never happen again.
6. Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now how do I get out?
7.
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
8. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't
know he drank until one night he came home sober. (I love this one!!)
9. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is
going through mental pause.
10.Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest
in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in
sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Darn wrinkle
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man
bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the
nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the
house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they
could've at least ironed it!"
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man
bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the
nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the
house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they
could've at least ironed it!"
Balconey
A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the
usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir,
but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to
have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and
marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few
moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the
man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with
no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the
situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
George Bush
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the
doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as
President.
The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what
the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a
fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there
by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while
he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a
post turtle."
Heart Surgeon's funeral
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died.
At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge
replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said
their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled
inside, and the heart closed again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him
asked,
"Why are you laughing ?
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.
"I'm a gynaecologist"....!!!
Sunday, September 16, 2007
A Cure for Junk Mail & Telemarketer
A Cure for Junk Mail & Telemarketers
Andy Rooney
Tips for Handling Telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much
more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's 'beep-beep-beep'
tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which
has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls
and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real'
sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if y ou notice there is no one there,
is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7
times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed
the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a
shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return
these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their
own junk mail away.
When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything
from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw
away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs
them more than the regular 41 cents postage 'IF' and when they receive
them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was 39 cents
before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that
case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in
these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a
pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day,
then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, jus t make sure your name isn't on
anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep
them guessing! It still costs them 41 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of
their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them.
Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best
of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that
e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they
need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!
If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been
doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
Fannie Green
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it
has been one month
since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green
every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say
three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green
twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "
A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.
"The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's
eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down
in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, ...............................
"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes"
Alternative view of creation -
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So,
how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but
I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The
middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them
with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They're a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt
that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically
balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up
right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see..........where
did I put that useless tit?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
Eating Disorder
*A woman asked her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and
coffee?" she asks. *
*He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." *
*At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. *
*He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." *
*Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like
maybe a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" *
*He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry"*
*"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!" *
Bible Stories by Kids
In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our
junior church students help you with this complete overview of the
Bible, compiled from their essays.
This is one clever rendition of the "Bible in a Nutshell"!
Enjoy!......laughter is a gift from God!
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing
but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is
one," but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said,
"Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and
Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from
the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because
they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he
was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but
one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous
than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a
really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These
plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the
Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten
Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet
your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor
thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy
to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell
over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with
a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and
500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound
very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and
then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league
prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star
of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I
had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,
"Close the door! Were you born in a barn" It would be nice to say, "As
a matter of fact, I was.") During His life, Jesus had many arguments
with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had
twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil
that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He
went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
XX - Dumb Nuns!
A blonde nun in New York went into a world wide message center to
send a message to her mother in Dublin. When the man told her it would
cost $100 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I
would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother overseas!" The man
arched an eyebrow. "Anything?" "Yes, anything" the nun promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and
ordered, "Come in and close the door" She did. He then said, "Get on
your knees" She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper" She did. He
said, "Go ahead...take it out" She took it out and grabbed hold of it
with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well....go
ahead!" The blonde nun slowly brought her lips closer, and while
holding it close to her lips she said loudly, "HELLO.....HELLO ...
MOM.... CAN YOU HEAR ME ???"
Saturday, September 15, 2007
PADDY THE ENTREPRENEUR
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London.
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that
catches his eye.
The sign said "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair."
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose,
and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune.
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all
the talking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to
us. I'll speak in my best English accent. "
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will." Says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100
shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back
up my truck and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well . yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d'y'know dat?
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
Friday, September 14, 2007
TWO NUNS
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what
has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
History mystery- not validated
Have a history teacher explain this----- if possible.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head .
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln* *, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
*
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Chinese Call Center
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can
speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's
urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone !
But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe
Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe
Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his
way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find
this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh .....God.......
Good Wan!
Life Sentence
The new bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I
don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place
'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do
is: put the prisoner in the prison, and then they made love for the
first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with
satisfaction, Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner
seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes
but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love,
gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a
recently born foal, afterwards he lays back on the bed, totally
exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence, OKAY!
Sweet loveable George ...
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
Only in the Middle East
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
The new priest
SIPPING VODKA
This is too funny - I still have tears in my eyes! Finally, a chain
letter that I don 't mind forwarding. It's funny (don't break chain)
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took th e Monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and too k a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy,
Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
jokes for ur reading pleasure...
1, MOM...CAN YOU BUY ME A BRA?
"Mum, can I ask you something?"
"Sure! What about?"
"You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I
should own one."
"And what is this 'one' you're referring to?"
"Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?"
"No."
"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."
"Nope."
"It will be just proper at my age..."
"I said no way...!"
"But all of my friends wear......!"
"David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"
2. WHO SHOT THE BEAR?
An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office.
He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact,
I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you
think of that?"
The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story. I
know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But
one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his
umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant
grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the
bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do
you think of that?"
The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that
bear!"
"EXACTLY" says the doctor.
3. WHAT'S IN A NAME?
A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his
face.
"Say, Mom," he asked, "why is my big brother named Mighty Storm'?"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." she replied.
"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"
"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield when
we made her."
"And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," the mother
replied.
The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so
curious?"
4. BIOLOGY LESSON
At a Biology class, the teacher asked the class:
"Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?"
A student replied: "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them
down."
Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than
gals?"
Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than the
guy's balls."
Gay
>>Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperms together and then
>>have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
>>When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
>>A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
>>Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
>>A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the
>>happy child as theirs. 'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other.
>>'All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just
>>proves our love for one another.'
>>The nurse says 'Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when
>>we pull the THERMOMETER out of his Ass !
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Pavarotti - the tenor
So Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates.
St Peter opens them and says 'oh it's you Luciano, come on in. squeeze
through'.
Pavarotti says 'hold on, I've got an envelope for you, from the pope.'
St Peter opens it up and reads it.
'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'
Mid-week Humour!
Little Johnny & the Devil.
A Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?"
"No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."
A witness to an automobile accident.
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell
the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and
measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
Barbies.
A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk
that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or
price.
The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks
"well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28".
Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250"
The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so
expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced
Barbie?"
The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and
all his other stuff."
Keeping Up.
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at
a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the
Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... See?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says,
"So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "No! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here - see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes
immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed
in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car
and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it
parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps
on the foggy window of the Granada.
The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out - I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Granada says, "You got me out of the shower to tell
me that?!"
Classic Quotes by H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) US writer
A bore is simply a nonentity who resents his humble lot in life, and
seeks satisfaction for his wounded ego by forcing himself on his
betters.
A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven
brag about it to persons who will never get there.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but
after that he begins to bunch them.
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
A metaphysician is one who, when you remark that twice two makes four,
demands to know what you mean by twice, what by two, what by makes,
and what by four. For asking such questions metaphysicians are
supported in oriental luxury in the universities, and respected as
educated and intelligent men.
A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever
heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.
A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the
crazy crazier.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
XXX - Man, Ostrich and Cat
A little raunchy - ie if you understand the lingo
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar.
The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer",
and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the
bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and
pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and
says, "What'll you guys have?"
The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer",
and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The
bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and
pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the
bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"
The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a
bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying."
So the bartender says "OK,that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his
pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it
that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact
change in you pocket?"
The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3
wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my
pocket for anything I buy."
The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a
million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will.
What were your other 2 wishes?"
The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long
legs and a tight pussy."
Miscellaneous Joke!
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile
and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured,
he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went
on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing
telecom business called Plexus Communications.
After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But,
after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing
about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who
could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great.
He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end
of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different
about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but
notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than
the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything
different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv
again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a
very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was
handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two
put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man
the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man.
How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
Don't Tempt a Women
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers :
"Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says:
"An Italian girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said
" Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for few months to see
if it is a girl !!!"
Moral of the story:
Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerously intelligent!
Monday, September 10, 2007
How True
Law of queue:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster
than the one you are in now.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Bath THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are
wIth someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW of the RESULT:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIO-MECHANICS:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE:
People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE:
As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask
you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
XXX - Sunday Morning Humour!
Here were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip
for the first time.
The first old lady said,
"I don't know 'bout ya'll, but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties
beefo I gets on dat plane."
"Why you gonna wear dem?" the other two wanted to know.
The first one replied,
"Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a
conefield, dey gonna find me first."
The second old lady says,
"Well, I'm gonna wear me sum floesant urange panties."
"why yo u gonna wear dem?" the other two asked.
The second old lady answered,
"Cause if dis hare plane is agoin' down and I be floatin' butt-up in
tha oshen, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says,
"Well, I ain't gonna wear no draws..."
"What???..No panties??? The others asked in disbelief.
The third old lady says,
"Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearin' no
draws, cause if'n dis plane goes down, honey Chile, dey always look of
DA black box first."
You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal
- If you have more toys than your kids
- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
- If your I.Q. Number is bigger than your weight
- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you
rush up to the front to fix it
- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery
channel and have seen most of the shows already
Football Wedding.
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says,
"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!
What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
A mathematician and a physicist agree ...
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and
his favourite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of
the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair.
Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
current location and the meal."
The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not
going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he
gets up and storms out.
The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation,
and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling.
The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll
never reach the food?"
The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close
enough for all practical purposes!"
Talking Dog for Sale.
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He
rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young
and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at
the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
XX - FACTS OF LIFE 1
Quotations About Sex.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy. --- Tom Clancy
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither. --- Steve Martin
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand. --- Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night. --- Rodney Dangerfield
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL. --- Lynn Lavner
Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the
taxidermist. --- Matt Barry
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. --- George Burns
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant. --- George Burns
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships. --- Sharon Stone
My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.
---Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computer)
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. --- Jack
Nicholson
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. --- Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady)
[and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour]
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet. --- Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself.--- Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.--- Billy Crystal
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful. --- Robert De Niro
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem? --- Dustin Hoffman
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --- Jerry Seinfeld
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house. --- Rod Stewart
XX - FACTS OF LIFE 2
Porpoises and chimpanzees enjoy engaging in group sex.
Bizarrely, mouse sperm is longer than elephant sperm.
Male penguins only ejaculate once a year.
Hamsters are very sexually active, having sex up to 75 times a day.
The average chimpanzee takes only 10 seconds to copulate.
Fish practice fellatio.
The female mantis eats its mate's head during sex ? And the male
mantis finishes the sex act without it.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure,
rather than just reproduction.
In his lifetime, the average male will ejaculate about half a trillion sperm.
On average, men think about sex every 7 minutes.
According to research, people who have sex once or twice a week, have
better immune systems.
The technical term for the missionary position is Venus observa.
The average male erection is 5.5" to 6" long.
For every 35lb of extra weight a man has, his penis will appear to be
one inch smaller.
Most men and women experienced their first orgasm on their own.
Men reach their sexual peak in their late teens.
Women reach their sexual peak in their early 30s.
On average, men ejaculate about one tablespoon of sperm each time they
have sex.
On average, it takes men only 6 minutes to reach orgasm.
The record for female orgasms in one hour is a massive 134.
The record for male orgasms in one hour is 16.
A fetish where people are aroused by licking an eyeball is called oculolinctus.
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